***IMPORTANT!!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
I spoke with Loopy on the phone this morning. She had a feeling that I'd mention the situation on my blog, which didn't bother her much because she knew I'd change names, locations and other telling details. But I was concerned that she might be pissed by this post. With that said.....
I finally realized what bothered me so much about Loopy sleeping with that guy who had a girlfriend. To me, it seemed like she was more interested in sleeping with him after she found out he had a girlfriend.
Now, that was a subjective opinion of course. Is that why she did it? I have no idea. But it made me wonder.
At 25, I would never dream of sleeping with a guy who had a girlfriend. Then, around 28 or 29, something in me changed. I don't remember the exact moment. But at some point I crossed that line from thinking it was unacceptable to totally reasonable.
What made me do it? Was I just frustrated because I was 29 and still single? Was it a feeling of resentment? Did I feel I had "earned" the right? Or did I just feel lonely and was willing to eat from someone else's plate? Whatever it was, it got me no where.
Just to clarify, on the handful of occassions I've done it, the guy in question has made his relationship sound new or open. They'd been dating "only a couple of months," it "wasn't serious," or "they were seeing other people." At 29? I bought that. But not for long. At some point not only did my common sense kick in, but so did my conscience. I knew, deep down, that these guys were lying. I knew it. But I avoided that truth so I could allow myself the oppportunity of getting a little attention. Loopy? Wanted attention.
I once had a woman tell me how she was "perfectly cool" with sleeping with a married man. "I didn't want anything serious and that was the perfect way to have my cake and eat it, too." But this was also a woman close to 75 pounds over weight who's sole means of meeting men was online. What am I getting at? I found her desperate. I thought she talked a really good game but just couldn't pull off the "I don't want a relationship" act. I think, and this is a bit harsh, she was taking whatever she could get. Haven't we all done that at one time or another?
It just made me wonder...
What is that line in the sand for some people? That thing that pushes them over into that place where they do something that they know is wrong.
Your thoughts?
OH...AND...
Pictures........
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/phptos.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Are You Perfect for Me?
DATE: 8/30/2005 08:36:00 AM
-----
BODY:
***Important - new blog address!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
WILL:
I know what I'm doing. She's different from the other girls I met. We have a really good time. She's smart, beautiful, fun...
SEAN:
So, Christ, Call her up.
WILL:
Why? So I can realize she's not so smart? That she's boring? You don't get it. Right now she's perfect. I don't want to ruin that.
SEAN:
And right now you're perfect, too. Maybe you don't want to ruin that.
Will says nothing.
SEAN:
Well I think that's a great philosophy, Will. That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody......
SEAN:
My wife's been dead two years, Will. She used to fart in her sleep. And when I think about her, those are the things I think about the most. Little idiosyncrasies taht only I knew about. Those made her my wife. And she had the goods on me, too. Little things I do out of habit. People call those imperfections, Will. But ...ahhh....that's the good stuff. It's who we are. And we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense...that girl you met isn't, either.
The question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. You can know everything in the world, but the only way you're finding that one out is by giving it a shot.....
-Good Will Hunting.
Charlie called me today and faxed over an ad that ran in a recent issue of New Yorker magazine. In it, a woman posted an ad (a big ad, too) asking.."Are You Perfect For Me?" She designed and created a website and...of course...a blog...searching for the perfect man. Check it out at www.perfectmanforme.com She's designed a questionairre and test for men to "apply" to be her "perfect man." My inner cynic says this is a publicity stunt. Here is this 45 year old, highly educated and successful (if she does say so herself) listing - as way too many women do - a laundry list of criteria that "her perfect man" should meet.
1. Must own a tuxedo (for those nnights at the opera.
2. Adventurous and worldly (so he can take her to all sorts of expensive places)
3. Entrepreneurial spirit (so he can have time to focus on her)
4. Fit and healthy
5. Willing to share his time and his toys
6. 35-55 (oh, sweetie, seriously?)
7. College educated
Yet...she doesn't post a picture of herself. She has a few from her "photo shoot" of her with a hat over her face lounging on a living room chair in a bathing suit.
Please, dear God, tell me this is a publicity stunt. Please, please, PLEASE tell me that this woman isn't for real? Because if she is, then that means that there is YET ANOTHER person in this city walking around with some inordinate sense of entitlement and lacking in self-awareness. Another single person looking for status (notice she didn't list "kind heart, loyal or honest" as criteria for her perfect man) over substance.
45 and she's never been married. I'm way, way , way over the "I'm just really picky" excuse. Totally over it. I said that at 32, but you know what? I was single becasue I was a bitch with ridiculous expectations. I wanted everything done on MY time table. (Sadly, I still have my moments.) This wom,an, I'll guess, is single becasue she keeps chasing after guy that don't want her.
I want to throw this out there... Maybe she's caught in a paradox. Because from what I know of these Mr. Big type guys? The 35-45 year old Chris Noth knock offs? Many (not all) want someone younger, someone fitter, someone...well, not 45. Or 40. Or even 35. Those who aren't shallow and self-serving don't want SOMEONE LOOKING FOR A LIFESTYLE RATHER THAN A RELATIONSHIP. Herein lies the problem. We have a woman shooting for status, looking for a guy who has clout and prestige, but he doesn't want her. He wants a different model.
So, around and around these people go, where do they stop? I know.
In the middle. Winded, frustrated....and alone.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Is The Girlfriend The New "Other Woman?"
DATE: 8/27/2005 02:58:00 PM
-----
BODY:
***Important - new blog address!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
My friend Joe has a knack for hooking up with women who have boyfriends. Or are engaged. Now, I don't know how much of that has to do with the fact that his ex-wife was unfaithful or if that is just a coincidence.
He was supposed to coem out to my party the other night but cancelled last minute because he had a date with a girl whose boyfriend was away on an overnight business trip. He only had a small window of opportunity, you see.
"One of these days, " I said, "You're gonna get a knock on your door and some guy is going to beat the shit out of you. And you know what? You'll totally deserve."
He laughed gave me a hug and said he'd see me next week.
A few weeks before this a female friend of mine (whom Patrick refers to as "Loopy") struck up a conversation with a hot bartender while we were out for dinner. He works for a bar owned by friends of mine, so I knew he had a girlfriend.
"Yummy.." Loopy said as he turned to make us another round of Cosmos.
"Girlfriend." I said.
"Noooooo" she wailed. "Really?"
"Yep. I just heard him talking about her."
Loppy was not to be deterred. As we got up to leave she slipped him her number. He, in turn, asked for hers. She turned and waved the napkin with his digits on it at me and we walked out.
"God, he's so fucking hot" she said.
"Girl. Friend." I sang.
"So what? I'm just going to use him for sex and that's it."
I dropped the subject.
Now, let me state for the record that I, too, have pursued and slept with guys that I knew had girlfriends. Which means I have a bit of Karma out there waiting to strike when I least expect it. It's soemthign I've done, yes. Not recently, and not for a few years. Thankfully I've never had to deal with a disgruntled girlfriend. I don't know if I did it because I actually cared for the guy, just was lonely, or felt entitled (having been cheated on myself a few times.) Whatever the case, my relationship with Patrick has opened my eyes to how The Other Woman (in this case, The Girlfriend) looks at this situation.
Loopy called me today and told me she was goign out with The Bartender tonight.
"Hope it's worth it" I said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.
"It means I. Hope. It's. Worth. It."
"Don't judge me, Moxie. You've done the same the thing."
She right. I have. Which is why I'm conflicted over how I now feel about her. A year ago I'd shrug it off if one of my friends (male or female) told me they were screwing around with someone who's already taken. I've never, ever been able to be friends with someone if they told me they slept with someone married, though. Which admittedly is weird logic. Commitment is commitment, I guess.
I called my roommate from college soon after. Kristie is married now and just had her first baby. She loves to hear about my "single" (as in not married) life. I told her about Loopy.
"Uggh. That's disgusting. Don't ever let her around Patrick."
"Well, now, hold on. I've done that to, Kristie."
"Yes, I know you have. And what did I say to you then?"
"Ummmm...that I was going to pay for it one way or another?"
"You're damn right."
"So you think God has it out for me now?" I said, half joking.
"Moxie, I think you've paid for your past. I've been telling you for months that Patrick is The One for you."
"No, I know that. I mean, I know Patrick would never sleep with anyone else. He's slipped a bit..."
"So did you" she reminded me.
"Yes, Thank You, dear. So have I. And I think that that was actually a good thing. But I can't help feel like a hypocrite for questioning what Loopy is doing. On one hand, I sort of understand her. On the other, I'm turned off by it."
"I think sometimes you have to actually experience certain things to get a better understanding of others. Patrick's your first real serious reltionship. Now you finally get it."
"What about Stephen?"
"He was a douche bag and I hated him. I told you that, too. I don't know what you saw in him. And that was four years of sex and little else. He doesn't count. Too little too late for that one."
God, I loved Kristie. She supports me but never lets me get away with anything.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Jealousy and Drama
DATE: 8/27/2005 02:07:00 PM
-----
BODY:
I recently read another blog today that made me chuckle. First, because it touched on something that is currently going on in my life. Second, because it's written as though it's based in fact when it's really based only in opinion. Which is okay, I guess, except that this blogger seems to make a lot of sweeping statements that lack any sort of factual basis.
Tonight, Patrick has a bachelor party to go to. Thomas, a friend of Matthew's (the new guy in P's office from London?) is getting married Labor Day weekend. Matthew introduced Patrick to this guy about a month ago and they've gone out for beers a few times since. I thought it was a cool gesture on Thomas' part to extend and invite to Patrick. To be honest, I'm just happy to see Patrick making friends outside of his office.
Not sure if it was last minute invite or what, although it doesn't really matter when Pat found out because he told me about it and let me know that he planned on attending. I know some guys who lie to their girlfriends about where they are going just so as to avoid any problems.
The post in question was about how "typical" women react upon hearing that their BFs/Husbands are going to a bachelor party.
She wrote:
The guy explains to his girlfriend that he has just been invited to a bachelor party. The typical woman cringes. This means there will be strippers, sexual intimation, and flirting with the opposite sex. A bachelor party is the last night a man can go out and sow his oats before committing to a life of misery...oops I mean marriage.
You wonder why women get so concerned when it comes to the bachelor party celebration? Perhaps it's because 37% of attached bachelors believe that the bachelor party antics don't count.
We all know that guys flirt whether at a bachelor party or not. What a man finds a attractive is the women who has enough confidence in herself to know that he'll be back, kisses him goodbye, and tells him to have a great time. Afterall you can always look at the menu as long as you know where to eat.
The fit that a woman throws before her man leaves the house to participate only shows insecurity and lack of trust. Truthfully, think about it. We attend bachelorette parties, yes? Although we can be wild and crazy if you are in love with the person waiting at home would you do anything to jeopardize that?
Whatever happened to trust in relationships? Relationships without trust are difficult and energy draining. If you can't trust someone, should you continue dating them? My theory is no. Trust is the core of a great relationship, without it there is nothing to build on.
I'm not really sure what the point of her post is because she sort of contradicts herself. On one hand, she asserts that the "typical" woman cringes at finding out her guy is going to a bachelor party. Cringes? Okay. I guess I can agree with that. But do we cringe because we think our guy will cheat or do we cringe at the images that the word "bachelor party" conjures up based on what we've seen in movies and occassionally heard through a friend or friend of friend. Remember when I said that there were times I enjoyed playing on all male sports teams but that there were times when I didn't like it due to the crude nature of some of the commentary and behavior? That's how I feel about bachelor parties. Men getting together to be men without worrying about having their ladies see their potentially more crude side. That's a vision I never wan to witness first hand. I'm well aware of the fact that Patrick farts and burps and tells dirty jokes and makes lewd comments about women's private parts. However, je never does it in front of me. We have a level of openess that allows us to feel comfortable doing those things when where with each other...we just choose not to. I've gone number 2 a few times while at his house. I always make the excuse of wanting to take a shower (thankfully whenever it has happened to me it's either been after eating, before sex or early in the morning when it makes sense that I want to freshen up.) By the time my "shower" is over there is no trace in that bathroom that I've done anything but bathe. Why do I do this? I dunno. A mix of embarrassment, wanting to maintain a little romance and because I just find crass behavior like burping and farting in front of a lover disrespectful. But that's just me. To me...Diarrehea? So not sexy. But I digress back to the topic at hand....
I've started to notice a change in the "average" bachelor party. Yes, there's almost always a stripper. But I've heard a lot of tales recently of kinder, gentler "last fling" events that involved steak, golf, lobster, sailing, camping, fishing...and cigars. Lots and lots of cigars. Because of this change, and because of my own personal reasons for finding the thought unsavory, I don't agree with the writer's implication as to why the "typical" woman cringes when she finds out her man is attending one of these events. Nor do I respect the usage of the term "typical." Typical by whose standards?
The real confusion for me in ragrds to this post is that she paints a picture of women being insecure and untrusting, then provides a so-called statistic to back-up the claim that a large of guys percentage are, in fact, unfaithul when they go to a bachelor party. Then she switches back to implying how insecure the "typical" woman is and how men don't appreciate it.
Well, which is it? Are we just being insecure twits or do we actually have cause to "cringe" when our guy goes to a bachelor party?
She recently wrote this other post:
This week I've spent some time evaluating and observing DRAMA. - Some studies say that women create drama to put men to the test. Can this be true? Are the majority of women attention-seekers that are in constant need of reassurance of who they are?
All of us who took Psychology 101 in college know that people continue in behaviors because they are gaining something from it. Do women really get the attention that they want by creating DRAMA?
I for one am tired of drama makers. Do you wonder why you can't keep a man in your life? Are you curious as to why men always run away from you even though you may be the most attractive woman out there? Well let me clue you in just a little bit - men hate drama. They hate the chaos, the unsurety of what mood you'll be in, and the psycho personality that you reflect when having one of your fits.
I have no tolerance for people who create issues in their life just so they have something to do. Are you a Drama Queen? Take the test.
Two-Second Drama Queen Test:
Are you cussing me out as you read this? Are you offended by my words in this post? Want to respond with a nasty comment or email...guess what? You Are A Drama Queen!
Again I'm going to address the writer's broad (if you will) implication that only women are drama queens. So not true.
I'm also going to state that if a woman gets offended by the post that DOESN'T make her a drama queen. Based on what findings? Because the writer of the post says so? I think plenty of women would find that post obnoxious and not because they're drama queens. It's because it's a blanket statement made without any factual basis but stated as such as well as the fact that, if you read the author's blog, there's a strong sense that she has little regard for other females. Since the author uses a Psych 101 example, I'll cite another:
Sometimes we hate most in other people what we see in ourselves.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Abracadabra
DATE: 8/26/2005 08:54:00 AM
-----
BODY:
***Important - new blog address!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
First, I just want to thank everyone who came out to celebrate my One Year Anniversary Party last night. It was a great crowd and I really appreciate that people took the time to make an appearance. I'll post pics on my website soon - www.MoxieintheCity.net.
Speaking of appearances......or disappearances.
What is it with the way people (men and women) hide behind their compters and cell phones rather than just tell someone they aren't interested?
Jen is still pretty bummed about the way Brendan handled things. She sent him a text message Sunday night ( I KNOW!!!) and said "Can I ask you a question?" He immediately responded.
"Sure. Shoot."
"I'd prefer to call you. Is that okay?" She asked.
"I'm out. Hard to talk. Some other time?"
She then called me and told me what he said. My first reaction was to tell her "Why did you text him? You're totally giving him control." I wanted to say that to her, but I couldn't. I've been there. It's so easy to say "Just don't call him. He'll totally change his tune if you back away." You really want to show that sort of self-control, right? But then you stew in your frustration and just want to talk it out and clear things up.
I knew what Brendan was doing. So did Jen. He was avoiding her. Whether it was because he was truly busy or just didn't want to deal or just didn't know how he felt. He was hiding. Busy my ass, dude. It would have taken 10 minutes.
I just wanted to let men and women in on a little secret:
Avoiding? Is what makes people go from mildly hurt and confused to full out pissed off. The person wanting to talk is left with the anger and pain, the person avoiding just walks away unscathed. Even if you think you're in the right...just answer the damn phone. Rip the band aid off quickly. Tie up the loose ends and either make a go at things or move on. Don't leave people sitting there confused and and doing the inevitable "What did I do?" thing to themself. They just want answers. So give them. Don't let days go by without responding becasue when and if you do decide to get vback to the person, they'll be so pissed off that things will escalate into an insult swap.
Of course, they way to increase your chances of getting a response is all in how to approach it. Phrases like "I want to talk to you" and "You're an (insert expleteive here" will always make the person on the other end hit delete, hang-up or send you to voice mail. Jen's opening line of "Can I ask you a question?" wasn't confrontational. Nor was she going to accuse Brendan on something. She was merely going to ask "Was it me, or were you sort of avoiding me or uncomfortable around me last week?"
The other thing you need to do before you make that call or send that text is make sure you know a) what your message is, b) what you're hoping to gain from the conversation and c)just how justified your feelings are. If your goal is to hook-up with the person again, you might want to avoid saying things that will put the other person on the defensive. Things like "You really hurt my feelings when you...." are conversation killers. The person you're confronting will shut down and get defensive and will refuse to give you the anser you want. Take responsibility for yourself. Instead, say "My feelings were really hurt because I felt as though you were....."
Just because you FEEL that someone acted a certain way doen't mean they did. The one thing that will immediately get you blown off is an irrational or unfounded attitude. So be sure to be able to defend and explain why you feel the way you feel calmly and rationally. Yelling, shouting, cursing and accusing will get you no where. Ask questions if you're not sure if you were slighted. Speak only of your REACTIONS TO THEIR ACTIONS. Not just about "their actions." Use the words "seemed" or "felt like" or "appeared" because feelings aren't fact.
Now.... to the recipient of these calls, e-mails and requests for communication. You know when you're avoiding someone. You do. You know it. And you also know when you're partly or completely responsible for the other person's hurt or confusion. Hiding behind your cell or Blackberry just makes you a coward. The one thing that people should want to do when dating is to walk away with dignity and a clear conscience. We're adults, not children. Whether we like it or not, all phases of dating and relationships come with a certain level of obligation to the other person's feelings. You don't have to meet up with someone you've gone out with two or three times to tell them you're not interested...but you should communicate to them in person that you don't plan on seeing them again.
Met someone online and had one date? Yeah, I guess it's become status quo to shoot them an e-mail ending things. But definitaly clue them in to your decision. Don't leave them hanging.
Had a first date and slept with them? Pick up the damn phone and call them. E-mail is far too impersonal given the fact that YOU WERE INSIDE THEM OR HAD THEM INSIDE YOU.
The longer you wait to deliver bad news, the worse it will be. All the person really wants is to have their feelings acknowledged. Nobody likes to feel like their feelings don't matter. Make the time.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Hit Me Baby One More Time..........
DATE: 8/25/2005 07:19:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Brittany............
FYI! THE FAT WHORE WHO WRITES THIS IS FULL OF SHIT. SHE MAKES IT ALL UP. SHE CANNOT EVEN GET A DICK TO COME NEAR HER SO DON'T EVER BELIEVE THAT SHE CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO GIVE A BLOW JOB. SHE BUYS HER FRIENDS AND SHE IS SO INSECURE. SHE CANNOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT SHE IS NOT SEX IN THE CITY. NO INTELLEGENCE, NO BEUTY, NO MORALS, NO PRINCIPLES, AND NO COUTH. I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISGUSTED BY THIS. DO NOT EVEN LET THIS ENTERTAIN YOU BECAUSE IT IS SO LOW. ANYONE WHO IS DATEABLE, OR HAS FRIENDS FOR THAT MATTER WOULD NOT BE WASTING THEIR TIME MAKING ALL OF THIS RIDICULOUSNESS UP. IT IS A SAD SAD STORY THAT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD RESORT TO THIS. THIS PERSON IS COMPLETELY DAFT, DEMENTED, AND UTTERLY INSANE. I FEEL BAD FOR SOMEONE THAT IS SO UNSTABLE AND CREATES A LIFE ON THE INTERNET. LET THIS BE A LESON TO EVERYONE ELSE NOT TO STOOP TO A LEVEL SO LOW. SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE. THIS IS A COMPLETELY MENDACIOUS INTERNET/BLOG!
You know what? Let's just get all of in on the open shall we?
Have a free for all, people. I'm taking my fat ass to bed.
P.S. Because we all know, people who write in all caps? Totally rational.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Dating Blog Frustration
DATE: 8/24/2005 11:34:00 AM
-----
BODY:
You know what I hate?
I hate dating-reading blogs that are written by people who:
a) Have little experience with relationships or men/women but insist on acting like some sort of authority.
b) Write solely about sex becasue they think it makes them sound provocative.
c) Don't seem to have any real dating life to speak of, yet criticize or make fun of other people's dating & mating habits.
d) Spend much of their time ranting or criticizing men/women and the frivolities of relationships when it's stingingly clear how badly they wish they were in one.
I occassionally read certain blogs that revolve around dating, sex and relationships.
Some are so well written that I instantly care about the author. Some are just blatant cried for attention. Dating blogs are like a reality TV show. You have your staple characters - The Crazy One, The Easy One, The Arrogant One, The Funny One The Bitchy One. And, just like when I watch these shows on TV, I find myself screeming at my screen and thinking, "Do thy really not KNOW how bad they sound? Do these people honestly just have NO IDEA why they're single?"
Any thoughts? Want to share some of yoru favorite dtaing blogs? Wish to name some that need to go into blogging-therapy?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Green Eyed, One Eyed Monster
DATE: 8/23/2005 08:31:00 AM
-----
BODY:
***Important - new blog address!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
So, this was odd.
Patrick came over my place around 1am last Thursday night/Friday morning. I called him as soon as The Buzzer Pervert was arrested and taken away.
Around 7:30am the next morning my cell rang. Patrick was standing in the middle of my apartment, naked, sipping coffee and watching the Today show. I asked him to grab my cell and throw it to me. Which he did, but not before looking at the Caller ID screen.
It was my friend Charlie. From time to time he'll ring me early in the morning as he drives to a client appointment. When I'm at Patrick's I usually just send it to voice mail. This time I answered it. I shot Charlie a text message earlier that morning just before Patrick arrived telling him the creep had been snagged and hauled away.
Patrick said nothing about it, knowing that Charlie and I went way back and that Charlie was married with a bbay on the way and lived in Boston. Not exactly a threat.
That is until the same thing happened this morning. Patrick and I had just finished having sex (great timing, Chuck) and were laying in bed for a bit before we got up and showered. My cell vibrated on the bedside table.
"Can you hand me that?" I asked. It was 7am. Normally only Charlie or my Dad call around that time. If it were my Dad, I'd answer it and force Patrick to do everything include hold his breath so my Dad wouldn't know I was lying in bed naked post-orgasm. Just not something my father needs to know. As far as he's concerned, I'm The 36 Year Old Virgin.
It was Charlie.
"It's your buddy again" Patrick said. I could tell by the tone in his voice he didn't approve.
"I'll call him later" I said and shut my eyes pretending to try to fall back asleep.
"He calls you too much" Patrick said and reached for a cigarette. It's funny, he does the same thing I do when I get ticked off and don't want to sound ticked off. He smokes. It's a diversion, something to do with keeping my hands and my mouth busy to prevent me from running it off in haste.
In eight months Patrick has NEVER said anything about my relationship with Charlie. I don't discuss it all that much, nor does Charlie call at weird hours. Charlie intentionall never rings me after 7pm. I think this is the first time where Patrick has been witness to how how frequently Charlie and I talk when he's not around.
"He's probably just checking up on me to make sure everything is okay and that that guy hasn't come back again."
"Riiight." Can you smell the sarcasm on that one?
"Patrick, oh my God, Charlie and I have been friends for almost 15 years. He's like my brother. Plus he's been doing some business caching with me. He ususally calls me after workshops to go over how they went."
"Okay" he said and laid back on the pillow, taking a drag of his smoke.
"He's just looking out for me."
"Well you can tell him there's no need to worry. You've got me to protect you. Everything's fine now."
"I know. How lucky am I?" I asked and climbed on top of him, straddling his chest. I leaned down to kiss him. What better way to avoid an argument then to have sex, right? But his choice of words stayed in my head. "Tell him you have me to protect you." Charlie isn't my protector, he's my friend and my business coach. Yet Patrick somehow sees him as stepping in on his territory. I think Patrick feels bad about not being here for me when that guy got arrested. If I had to guess, I'd say Patrick feels guilty for not being the one to catch him. Which really isn't about my safety, but about his ego.
Unfortunately, while I was in the middle of giving him one of my now-famous rise and shine blow jobs, his Blackberry beeped.
"Fuck" he said with a mixture of dissapointment and frustration. His cock was stiff, the vein on the belly of his shaft pulsing, but he wasn't close to coming yet. I had already detained him too long and he was late getting into the shower. If there is one thing Patrick is anal about, it's being late for work. I stopped licking his balls and let him get up.
I headed to the kitchen and made coffee while Patrick showered. Again, my cell vibrated. It was Charlie.
"Hey" I said as I scooped some hazelnut grounds into the filter.
"Good Morning! How'd the workshop go last night?"
"Umm...good. Can we talk in a bit?"
"Did I catch ya in the middle of something?" Charlie asked.
"Sorta." I wanted to hang up before Patrick got our of the shower and heard me talking.
The door to my bathroom opened. I think I've mentioned how Patrick and I have a little ritual in the morning. I sit on the tub or the toilet, sipping coffee, while he shaves. Normally the conversation is light and fun. Normally...
Patrick lathered up his face and ran his razoor under the stream of hot water in the sink.
"Were you and Charlie lovers?" he asked as he made his first sweep down his left cheek. In all this time, Patrick has never asked me just how close Charlie and I were.
"No! Never."
"You never dated him?"
"No...just friends. That's it. He's probably my best friend."
Fuck! Wrong thing to say. WRONG THING TO SAY...
"Next to you, of course."
Patrick laughed and looked at glanced sideways. "Of course."
Don't mention it. Move on. Ignore. Change the subject.
"You missed a spot" I said and gently touched his cheek.
"You're changing the subject." Ugghhh...eight months of dating. He knows me by now.
"Not at all. What do you want to know?"
"Nothing. If you tell me you're just friends then I believe you. You speak highly of him, so I respect that. But he's a married man and you have a boyfriend. Don't you think all these phone calls are a bit innapropriate?"
"All these phone calls? Patrick it's been, like two in the past week." Okay, so it's been like 10 in the past week. But I'm not telling him that.
"Okay. I'm just saying it seems a little odd that this guy calls you so much."
I knew what he was saying. What he was really saying was, "I don't want him calling you so much." He just didn't want to come right out and put it in those words.
Point taken.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: How to Score at a Singles Event
DATE: 8/22/2005 07:51:00 AM
-----
BODY:
*********************************
HOW TO SCORE AT A SINGLES EVENT
*********************************
There`s a right way and a wrong way to attend a singles event.
Want to increase your chances of meeting someone the next time you one a try?
Read this Moxie-authored article from www.Savvyinsider.com
By now, many of us have attended a singles event. Speed Dating, Singles Dinners, Lock & Key Parties. To quote my favorite after school special, “Everyone is Doing It.” But did you know that there is a right way and a wrong way to act at a singles event? Yep. It’s true. After coordinating and managing about 200 different events like this, I’ve seen plenty. The good. The great. The sexy. The just plain foolish. Below is a list of Do’s and Don’ts that I’d like to pass on to you.
Read It. Learn It. Live It.
Do Step Away From The Cell Phone. Got a big conference call? Wondering where your friend is? Uh huh. Okay. Make the call BEFORE you arrive at the venue. Once you’re inside, turn it off. Nothing screams “rude and pretentious” like someone talking on their cell-phone while at a party. The message you’re sending to people around you is, “I’m not interested in talking to you.” Not a great first impression.
Don’t Travel In A Pack. People in general fear rejection. Approach one person is daunting enough, but three or four? Terrifying. You could be the hottest, sweetest, most amazing person in the room but if you’re surrounded by what looks like a posse of personal handlers, you’ll be sipping cocktails by your lonesome. Want a friend along for moral support? That’s cool. But bring more than two people with you and you’ll be staring at each other’s faces all night. The chance of being dismissed by one person can make anyone break out in a sweat. But five? Some people would rather stick their tongue in a fan.
Do Keep Your Opinions To Yourself. If you were at a party of a co-worker or friend, would you EVER toss around critical opinions of the guests while within their earshot? No, you wouldn’t. First, the person you’re dissing might hear you and you could end up hurting their feelings. Second, you’ll definitely be overheard by someone and branded a jerk.
Don’t Drink Too Much. This is sort of a no brainer.
Do Be Self-Aware. What we mean to say is often not what someone else hears. Intention is not nearly as important as Perception. “But I was just being funny!” you say. Well, maybe your comments are entertaining to people who know you and who know you’re a good person. But someone you meet for the first time may not. Don’t expect people to cut you slack, because they likely won’t. Ask a friend to give you honest feedback as to how you come across and what sort of impression you make. Your friends love you and want you to be happy. They’ll be honest. It might sting a bit, but you’ll thank them.
Keep In Mind That “Outgoing” And “Aggressive” Are Two Very Different Things. Smiling and saying hello to someone first makes you outgoing. Firing questions at them and following them around makes you aggressive. Making light conversation is outgoing. Challenging or debating with someone makes you aggressive.
Don’t Bring An Attitude With You. Nothing turns people off more than an “I’m better than you/You’re not good enough for me” attitude. Most people pick right up on it, too, so don’t think for a second you can mask it with a smile. Your body language, inflection in your voice and conversation will give you away. If you feel like you don’t “belong” at a singles event or think you’re “above” it, please stay home. I ask this as a singles event services business owner and a fellow event-goer. That sort of attitude spreads through a room like a virus. It just takes one unpleasant person to ruin the overall vibe at a singles event. The fact is that, for whatever reason, you’re single. How you look, how you dress, where you vacation, how much money you make means nothing once you step into that room. Lose the ‘tude or plan on standing at the bar by yourself all night.
Do Attend By Yourself. The chances of meeting someone at a singles event doubles if you go it alone. It’s not like going to a bar on a Friday night by yourself. Everyone at a singles event is attending because they want to meet people. The jig is up. You’re secret is out the minute you enter. You’re single. Don’t feel self conscious about it. If anything, you’ll appear
more confident. And, as we know, confidence is sexy. Waiting for a friend to arrive? Walk in a grab a drink. Pacing back and forth in front of the venue, hanging out side talking on your cell phone and sticking close to the door way will just make you appear anxious. Go it alone. You’re a Big Girl/Boy. Come on, you know you have it in ya…
Don’t Kid Yourself. Most singles, whether they know it or not, have been to a singles event. Don’t be fooled by the term “Young Professionals Party” or “Networking Event.” That’s usually just code for “meet market.” To me, that seems sort of weak. What’s wrong with being single and saying, “Hey, I’m interested in meeting someone?” You never really know who’s single at those types of events, and you could end up chatting away with someone who’s already taken. At least at a singles event, you KNOW the person is single. Don’t you want someone who’s willing to put themselves out there and actually SAY that they’re hoping to meet someone?
Do Dress Appropriately. Wear something that you’re comfortable and confident in, keeping in mind the Intention versus Perception idea. No t-shirts, no sneakers, no flip-flops. Leave the more suggestive outfits at home (unless that’s…ummm..what you’re looking for.) How you dress is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Whether you like it or not, you do have to try a little bit to impress people. Looking unkempt tells people you don’t care about yourself. If they don’t think you care about yourself, how can you convince them that you could care about them?
Don’t Case The Joint. From time to time, I see people lurking outside the bar or party location. I know what they’re doing. They’re watching to see the type of people that walk in. Either you’re willing to take the risk or you’re not. Don’t ever think that other people don’t know what you’re doing. Other guests will brand you as shallow before you even check in.
Do Take A Risk. Dating and relationships are all about putting yourself out there. If you aren’t willing to take a chance and attend a singles event, you may not be ready to have a relationship. Allow yourself to be led. You never know what’s in store for you. Don’t let your fear or insecurity prevent you from giving a singles event a try. You’d be surprised at who you might meet. Last night, two Boston Red Sox players made a guest appearance at my company’s Singles Bartending Class. See? You just never know what can happen.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Games People Play
DATE: 8/21/2005 07:07:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Last night was spent listening to my friend Jen (might want to re-read this post before continuing with this one) vent about what an asshole Brendan (the guy from our softball team that she hooked-up with) was.
"He barely even spoke to me! I mean, like, hardly a word. NOTHING. It was like I wasn't even there."
I just sat an nodded, feeling guilty because I told her to give him the benefit of the doubt. My job last night was to listen, not advise.
"I mean, I don't know what I did. Yeah, I razzed him a bit when he made some errors but we all do that to each other. I even told him he had cute legs. But when we got to the bar he didn't say one thing to me. Why do you think he did that."
I was stumped. I honestly couldn't figure it out. When we went out after playing last night I admit that I noticed that Brendan didn't make much effort to talk to Jen. But, thankfully, she didn't make an effort either. Brendan's friend Will had joined us for the game and for beers. Maybe that was it? Maybe Brendan was in the "out with the boys" mood? Or was it the age factor? Jen's 36. Brendan's 27.
I knew what Jen was feeling as we sat at the table. I could sense her frustration, which quickly turned to hurt and anger. Normally I'd shrug at her and say, "What did you expect?" I couldn't do that this time because I had suggested she wait and see what happens, give him the benefit of the doubt. As her friend, I got protective. She's been through so much - a boyfriend who cheated on her last year, another who moved to LA. All in the span of about two years. It was rare for her to EVER meet someone that she was so attracted to or that she liked. Not because she's picky, but because she's very guarded. I nudged her under the table and motioned my head outside. I had to get her out of there before she either told him off or started to cry. Besides, I was ready to bolt. Brendan's friend (his ex-Harvard room mate) started to brag about how, when he was at Harvard Law School, he never opened a book his whole third year. Yeah, I bet those thousands of people who competed and lost out for that spot at the prestigious law school would get a HUGE kick out of hearing that. I was bored and grumpy myself. All they talked about were sports and life at Harvard or something that was Will-centric. Since Will wasn't my friend and because I happened to find him pompous and annoying I left, taking Jen with me.
"Know what really sucks?" Jen asked. "I can't say anything to him about it. If I call him and bitch, I look crazy. If I ask him what his deal is, I look needy. And if I don't say nothing at all, it just eats away at me. I'm fucked. I hate it."
Then she started to cry. If I have one major weakness, it's seeing my friends cry.
That's it. She might have somethinG to lose with speaking her mind...but I don't.
"Shit, I left my credit card at the bar. Stay here and watch the equipment? I have to run back and get it."
"Okay" Jen said.
I went back in to the bar and re-joined the three guys sitting at the same table in the corner. I pointed at Brendan.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure. What's up?" I led him downstairs away from watchful eyes.
"Listen," I began, "..I don't know exactly what went down with you and Jen. But I know what I saw tonight. Did it ever occur to you that she might have been a little offended at how you treated her?"
"What did I do?" Brendan asked, his eyes wide with confusion. He really had no idea.
"Dude, you didn't even talk to her. Not even a word."
"Not on purpose. I was just talking with Scott and...well, she didn't talk to me either."
"Oh. So it was a pissing contest to see who would blink first?" I asked.
"Not at all. I just didn't think about it..."
"Exactly. You didn't think. You haven't been thinking. One week you're innundating her with text messages - which I've seen - and e-mailing her and telling her how you're thinking about her. Then the minute she returns the attention you flake."
"That wasn't intentional. I just got stuff going on at work and..."
"Brendan...we ALL have shit going on. All of us. You're not looking for the cure for cancer. And from what we all heard tonight you've had a hell of a lot of time to go out with your friends in the last few weeks. Beer pong, Mets games, dinner.....you've HAD time. So don't feed me the same bullshit lines you fed Jen. You've had time, you just chose not to make any for HER. Which is your right. But keep in mind that this whole hot and cold, back and forth thing? Was started by YOU. One week you're all over her, the next week you're blowing her off. It's a fucking game. She has no idea how to act with you. Maybe the 25 and 26 year olds you're used to dating tolerate that. But a 36-year old doesn't. have patience for that."
"I'm not playing any game with her. Things have been really fucking busy for me. I do like her. I just can't do anything about it right now. I told her that last week" he said, getting defensive.
"Yeah, you told her that last week minutes before you were making out with her outside. Before she had to sit and listen to your friend go on and on about all the socializing and partying you've been doing over the last few weeks. Which sort of negates the whole 'I'm really busy at work' thing. She wasn't asking for much, Brendan. She wasn't asking you to take her out or spend a lot of time with her. She was asking for consistency. If you can't even handle that, then you shouldn't even have encouraged her."
"Well, I wasn't trying to be a dick. I really didn't know she was bothered tonight" he said.
"Maybe you knew, maybe you didn't. That's why I came back here. To make sure you knew. You've pushed her as far as you're going to push her. Now's the time where you step up and take responsibility. If you're interested, prove it. If you're not, tell her. That's all I ask."
We headed back upstairs and parted ways. Jen was still on the same corner holding the equipment bag and drinking a Snapple.
"What took you so long?" she asked.
I told her the whole conversation. At first she was pissed at me for interfering. I reminded her of the time she did the same thing for me with my ex-Stepehen and that I was just returning the favor. So, all's good between us. She forgave me and realized I was just looking out for her.
My guess? She'll never hear from Brendan again. She asked me to tell her, honestly, if I thought he'd call her to apologize.
"I doubt it. He's not capable of handling a 36 year old. Let him stick to beer pong. That's about his speed right now. Harvard or no Harvard."
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Men Say What They Mean
DATE: 8/19/2005 12:08:00 PM
-----
BODY:
=========================
=========================
GOT A DATING RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.MoxieintheCity.net/id75.html
=========================
=========================
Name: Trixi
Age: 24
Location: San Francisco, CA
Question:
I've been dating this guy for 3 months. It's been a pretty decent relationship, with lots of highs and very few lows. Great communication, great company, great sex, everything you would ever want in a guy, romantic, sexy, sensitive, intelligent.
Before I met him, I was thinking of moving to London and he's been aware of this since day one. However, 2 months into the relationship, I realized that I would probably be moving before the year was out. We had decided not to have a long distance relationship because of bad experiences on both ends.
A few days ago, I told him that I would stay for a few more months to see how the relationship would develop. After all, London would always be there, and there was no pressing urgency to go now.
Two days later he broke up with me. He stated that he
1. Doesn't love me as much as I love him. This is evidenced by the fact that I would be willing to postpone a dream for the sake of Us. I guess he didn't feel that he could ever make such a gesture.
2. Realized that he still has strong feelings for his ex even though he would never get back with her(she lives in NC and was a real b*tch to him, she had called him last week as well).
3. And that I deserve 100% of his heart and he doesn't want to cheat me out of total love and admiration.
I realize that the infatuation period has ended, and of course it could be that he is scared. I told him that I appreciated his honesty and have not to called him or seen him since. I'm preparing for a strategic comeback in 2 weeks, after he has had a while to rethink the situation and miss me.
My friends think that it's a stupid plan and that he is just not that into me. I'm in love with him and can't let him go.
Would I just be setting myself up for failure?
In a word? Yes.
He came right out and told you how he felt. He said "I don't love you as much as you love me." It sounds to me like he knew all along that this was not going to be a long term thing and just assumed it would end when you moved. So he went along for the ride. But when you switched gears and told him you'd stay for a few more months, the walls started to close in on him. At least he did the right thing by ending things. When he saw that you were willing to hold off on your plans for him, he likely felt guilty and decided to do the right thing.
The "I still have feelings for me ex" is just a smoke screen. He's using that to cover his own ass because he knew he didn't intend on things getting serious to begin with. It's an excuse.
Cut ties, don't strategize for any sort of comeback. Whether it's that "he's just not that into you" or "he's not that into you RIGHT NOW" doesn't matter. He's already made up his mind.
READERS...YOUR THOUGHTS?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Red Sox Players Make Guest Appearance at a Moxie Event and The Stalker is Caught in the Act
DATE: 8/18/2005 06:56:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Not Playahs. Players. As in Boston Red Sox Baseball Players.
Yeah, that's right. Both Mark Bellhorn and Kevin Youkilis made a surpise guest appearance at my company's Singles Bartending Class in Boston tonight.
Maybe it was 'cause I'm a Beantown girl. (Yeah...THAT'S it.) In any case, I want to give a big, fat shout out to those guys. You were gracious and sweet and a lot of fun. And I heard you, Mr. Youkilis, make a mean Sex On The Beach.
Pics forthcoming. Probably won't be up til Monday.
Want to check out the next one? Click Here.
NEXT SINGLES BARTENDING CLASSES:
Chicago - Aug 31. & Oct. 5
Philadelphia - Aug. 25th
Boston - Sept. 21st
Log on to www.MoxieintheCity.net for details
ETA:
On another note.........
The Stalker? Caught.
It's 12:50am. On the advice of many of you, I hired a PI (we'll call him Bob.). His first night on the job and we got 'em.
My buzzer rang at midnight. Immediately, I picked up my cell and rang Bob, who was parked outside my apartment filming the whole thing.
I picked up my intercom and said, "Hello?"
"Can I come up there and fuck your pussy, baby?"
"What?" I asked, stalling him.
"Can I fuck your pussy?"
"Which apartment are you looking for?"
"Can I fuck you, baby?"
"I''m sorry, I can barely hear you..." before I could say anymore I heard Bob in the background.
I called the police and ran down stairs. There on the sidewalk was Bob talking to a guy in a Yankees hat, jorts (jean shorts) and a t-shirt. He turned around when he heard my front door swing open.
It was a delivery guy from the pizzeria around the corner. The scary thing?
He was just in my apartment yesterday. In. My. Apartment.
"You fucking piece of shit" I said as I walked towards him. This guy has been in my apartment about 30 times in the last year. He started to say something but I cut him off.
"Fucking save it, asshole. How dare you. How fucking dare you."
The police came and arrested him. I peered in to the back seat of the car. He was just sitting there looking...scared.
For a moment I felt bad for him.
And, FYI to YouFoolsAreCrazy....the delivery guy works at Yorkville Pizzeria on York and 79th. Officer Rodriquez of the 19th precinct would be thrilled to have you call and verify this story.
-------- AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly TITLE: I Need Your Feedback DATE: 8/18/2005 10:57:00 AM ----- BODY: GOT A DATING RELATED QUESTION? Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course. http://www.MoxieintheCity.net/id75.html I need to do a little field research. Most of y'all are single, right? 1. What sort of singles events do you like? (Wine tastings...sporting events...speeddating...dinners?) 2. What's the average price range of singles events in your city? 3. What's the most you'll pay? What price range is too high? 4. If you've been to singles events...what is your biggest concern or complaint? 5. Other than the prospect of meting someone, what factorsd help you decide to register for an event? (location, drinks, concept, company success, etc.) I would LOVE to hear what you think. Please share. Thank you in advance! ************************* UPCOMING EVENTS ************************* Log on to www.MoxieinTheCity.net for details NYC 8/20 - Co-ed Softball & Beers - 5 spots left 8/22 - Flirting Workshop & Cocktails - -5 spots left 8/23 - Margarita SpeedDating-Ages 24-39 8/25 - Moxie Open Bar Party-FREE EVENT 9/7 - Margarita Speed Dating - Ages 30-48 9/8 - Singles Boxing for Beginners Class - NEW!! 9/13 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 27-42 - NEW!! 9/17 - Flag Co-ed Footbal - Casual Game - NEW!! 9/21 - Singles Beginner Kickboxing - NEW!! PHILADELPHIA 8/25 - Singles Bartending Class- 9 spots left 9/14 - Flirting Workshop - 12 spots left 9/20 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 27-42 - NEW! DC 9/14 - Singles Bartending Class CHICAGO 8/31 - Singles Bartending Class 9/20 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 28-44 10/5 - Singles Bartending Class - NEW!! BOSTON 8/18 - Singles Bartending Class 9/14 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 28-44 9/21 - Singles Bartending Class DALLAS 9/22 - Singles Bartending Class -------- AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly TITLE: Hurry Up and Wait DATE: 8/17/2005 06:25:00 AM ----- BODY:
***Important - new blog address!***
Check out our new dating blog design! We've added event photos, event listings, comment reviews and new blog posts.
NEW DATING BLOG URL:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/
Ever been in one of those situations where you're not really sure where you stand with a guy or a girl?
************************************************************
STALKER WATCH: DAY 10
Yep, he was back last night ringing my buzzer 3 times
around 12:30. Long buzzes. Loud buzzes.
************************************************************
A few weeks ago, my friend Jen hooked up with a guy on my softball team. Nothing major, just a bit of making out. She wasn't really sure she was even interested in him. In the weeks between that night and the next game she attended, the guy was more than attentive. Texting her, e-mailing her. He even told her that, after kissing her that first night, he cancelled a date that he had that same evening because he couldn't stop thinking about her. She was a little spooked but decided to hang in, citing the obvious chemistry, regardless of her own intimcay issues.
History repeats itself and they hook-up again after the next game (just kissing, not going home together.) They were supposed to leave together, you see, but he got drunk and wanted to stay and hang with the guys. She left feeling dejected.
She calls him the next day and tells him that her feleings were hurt. No response. Days go by. No word.
Finally, she text messages him and says, "Look, I like you. What happened Saturday hurt my feelings. But I wanted you to know that I do like and want to hang out again."
He responded and said he liked her too and wanted to see her sometime. He text messaged her a few days later saying he was thinking about her.
Then...he dissappeared for a week or so. She e-mailed him and asked, "Did I do something wrong?"
He e-mailed her a few days later. "No," he said, "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just buried at work and trying to get my head screwed on about a few things."
He had just moved here from DC in June when his company transferred him. He learned of his transfer May 15th, was out here in NYC by June 1st. His apartment in DC still hasn't been rented, he hasn't fully moved his stuff (like all of it) and he's trying to get settled in at his new office. In short, he's overwhelmed.
Or is he?
After the last game, Jen asked him to go outside for a cigarette so she could ask him what was up.
"I'm confused" she said. "You've gone from seeming really interested to just dropping out of sight. Are you just not into it anymore?
"If I weren't interested in you, I wouldn't be out here with you" he said as they shared a smoke on the stoop outside the bar. "After Aug 29th, I'll be in a much better place."
"We can't hook up before then? What if I say ahead of time that I understand what the deal is so you're not feeling obligated?"
"That's great and all, but just because you relieve me of being obligated doesn't mean I'll actually feel that way. I will feel obligated and I don't want to right now. I just don't think it's fair to you or to me to hook up until I'm in a better place in a few weeks.
They both agreed that there was a great chemistry between them and a string mutual attraction that was worth investigating. They made out a bit more and left it that he'd see her at the next game this weekend.
Back inside, Jen went from having a goofy grin on her face to furrowing her brow. "I don't know what's happening" Jen said as she picked at her salad, flicking the mandarin oranges on to my plate. "Two weeks ago, I didn't even think I was attracted to him. Now I want to jump him so badly my teeth hurt. Do I just want him because I can't have him? Is he just blowing me off?"
"Normally, I look at actions rather than words" I said. "But this one has me stumped. He's made a lot of effort, but then he's turned around and negated it by backing off a bit. You have to give him credit, though, for knowing that hooking up would come with obligations. He could have easily fooled around with you and then just bailed. That speaks to his character."
If I didn't know the guy Jen was talking about I'd have told her to forget him. Move on. What I knew of this guy I liked. He was sincere and funny. And he went to Harvard (Go Crimson!). So that right there tells me that he's probably a very disciplined guy. You don't get through an Ivy League school by blowing things off and not following a schedule.
If he had hooked up with her and THEN been distant I'd told her to forget about him.
This had all the makings of a "He's Just Not That Into You" scenario. So, why should Jen hang on? The only thing I could offer was this - "What does your gut tell you?"
She looked pensive for a moment, then said "It's telling me that he's a decent guy, a good guy, and that he's telling me the truth. If he had slept with me and then blew me off it would be a different story. But he didn't. Which just makes me want to fuck him even more. I swear, if we do do It, I'm gonna ride him like he's never been ridden before."
Courtesy. The new aphrodisiac. I liked it.
I told her to wait it out and give him the space he needs.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: She's Tight
DATE: 8/16/2005 06:15:00 AM
-----
BODY:
So, we've frequently discussed penis size and its importance. So let's turn this one around.
Patrick often comments, while in the middle of our lovemaking, how "tight" I am. I've heard that a lot and sort of dismissed it it, never thinking much of it. But now I get it.
Sunday night I asked him to explain how it felt to be inside me.
"Warm and tight. Really, really tight."
"Okay, but, what does that mean?"
"It feels like you're swallowing me up. It's like when you have your hand around my cock, except tighter."
He took my arm and wrapped his hand around it.
"Now push back and forth" he said as he tightended his grip a bit.
"Now imagine that my hand is hot and wet."
I think I was getting it. Patrick reached down to the floor to grab his smokes.
"Does it make you come harder?" I asked.
He chuckled and the unlit cigarette neraly fell from his mouth.
"Yeah...of course. Sometimes quicker, too. That's why I have to slow down sometimes. I've never been with someone that tight before."
Ooookay. That's where we stop. I really didn't want to get into the Ghosts of Pussy Past. We've never had that conversation and I don't suspect that we ever will. Talk about asking for trouble. All I know is that he and I are both disease free. That's all I need to know.
On another note, my stalker came by twice last night again. The first time at 9:30pm, which is early for him. Then again at 1am. But that time I didn't answer. He continued to buzz about four times. Long buzzes. Insistent, "Now I'm Getting Pissed" buzzes.
The weird thing is...why do I get the feeling that this guy knows my schedule? 9:30 is a pretty random (and risky) time to come by.
I now officially feel watched.
Your thoughts?
Guys - care to weigh in on the tightness issue? Ladies, got anything to share?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: A Little Effort Goes a Long Way
DATE: 8/15/2005 06:24:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick has decided to put buying an apartment on hold, at least unless until the New Year. He's going to be traveling in September and October which leaves him little time to look for a new place.
He's going to Chicago again in September. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous about that.
Last night he came across town in the thunder and lightening so that we could have dinner together. I have to admit that I'm touched by the level of effort he's putting forth.
I was so impressed that, finally, he and I had sex again. It was the first time in at least a month. It was sort of like out first time all over again. Pizza boxes on the floor, vanilla candles lit, my cat perched on the floor at the foot of my bed trying to make sense of the tussling and groans coming from beneath the sheets.
We had crawled into bed at 11 or so to watch the news and then a late night CSI episode. He rubbed my back lightly, knowing I hadn't slept much in the last week and trying to help me drift off. Piece by piece, my pajamas came off until I lay there naked next to him. I had just nodded off when I felt the bed dip a bit. I woke up to see Patrick getting ready to leave.
"Where you going?" I asked,
"I was gonna go home so you could sleep. I know you have a hard time sleeping with someone in your bed. Close your eyes. Go back to sleep." He leaned over and kissed my good night. I grabbed his t-shirt and pulled him back down towards me.
"Stay." I said.
"You still scared?" he asked, referring to the late night buzzer creep. The truth is, that guy was the least of my worries. Was I scared? Yes. I was scared that Patrick would leave me again. I was scared that he'd cheat on me in Chicago. I was scared that we'd be right back where we were a month ago. So that's what I told him.
"How do I know you won't leave again?"
"I guess you don't. I have no intention of hurting you again. But I don't know if you'll leave me, either. I guess that's just a risk we'll have to take."
Maybe he needed a little effort from me to see that I was comitted again.
I got out of bed and got my purse. A couple of months ago, I had planned on giving Patrick a surprise. Unfortunately, we had had a fight and I never got around to giving him my present. I reached into my bag and pulled out my key chain. I unhooked two of the keys and brought them back to the bed. I handed him the keys to my front door and to my apartment.
"You sure?" he asked as the keys lay in his palm. I wasn't 100% sure. But would I ever be? I guess sometimes you just gotta make that effort even it that means taking a risk.
"Yep. Just don't steal my porn."
He undressed and got under the covers next to me.
We quickly founf our groove again. The sex was a mix of sweet and primal, just as I had remembered it.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Baseball, Ballbreaking and Breasts
DATE: 8/14/2005 12:17:00 PM
-----
BODY:
So, I have a question.
Derek Jeter. How has he managed to be both liked AND respected as a leader?
I'm not questioning his leadership abilities. I'm just trying to get some actual examples of his leadership.
Patrick and I had a debate over management styles. He's been able, so far, to maintain both a level of respect and like with his employees. Personally, I think he's a bit too familiar and a little too "nice" with all his happy hours and friendliness. But it works for him so far, so who am I to judge?
I'm trying to figure out which is more important - being liked and respected or just being respected.
I'm a difficult boss. I know that. My communication style does not lend itself to being soft or patient. I'm direct, I say what I need to say, I give direction and expect goals to be met. I expect things to be done a certain way. I'm open to suggestions, I'm happy to answer questions, I take care of the people who work for me whether in pay, perks or liquor. Want to question me? Fine. Opt to ignore my directions and do what you want? Fuck you. Not happening. I do wonder, though, if I were a man would I still be concerned about this. Does being a leader AND being female mean I'm predisposed to feeling a need to be "nice?"
My Dad has a saying. "Be fair but be firm." But does firm come off or is it perceived as bitchy or rude when it's coming from a woman? Is that just an excuse I'm calling up to justify being unpleasant? Or am I not being unpleasnt at all but sometimes dealing with insecure people? Does it all depend on who I'm managing/leading? (meaning men versus women.) I don't know.
When I think of successful (really successful) entrepreneurs/leaders I think Martha Stewart, Madonna, Donald Trump, Streisand, Jennifer Lopez, Oprah, Derek Jeter, Bill Bellichik. In their respective fields and to their target markets, they're considered the best. But all of 'em, save for Jeter, have reputations for being difficult, bossy and demanding. Yet I never hear them whine or complain about how their people who work for them don't want to grab beers after work or after the game.
Just so I'm not sending the wrong message. I get along well with people I manage. I'm not shunned by staffers or peopel who play on my softball team. Do they sometimes think I'm a bitch? Probably. Does that stop them from having drinks with me or socializing with me? No.
So, I'm asking you guys...what makes a great leader? Do you think it's more difficult for a woman to be a leader and if so, why? How has Jeter been able to successfully gain the admirationd and respect of his peers?
Comments? Leave 'em below.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Twice in One Night
DATE: 8/13/2005 06:38:00 AM
-----
BODY:
This time my creepy buzzer-stalker stopped by twice. Last night at 11, then again at Midnight.
"Can I come up and fuck your pussy?" he asked. Channeling my inner Grissom, I tried to keep him on the intercom as I dialed the police. I ran down stairs armed with a rather large steak knife and headed outside. No one was there. Just a guy sitting on the stoop of the building next door. I stood there for about 20 minutes, waiting. The guy on the stoop smoked, then got up and crossed the street and headed into the bulding across the way from mine. He appeared to have a key. He disappeared inside. He didn't go up the stairs (which I could see from my view on the street.) Instead, he turned left. The light on the apartment on the first floor of his building went on. I'm assuming that's where he lives.
Why would he be smoking on the stoop of a building on my side of the street if he lived just a few feet away in another building?
The poilce came by (I only had to wait 30 minutes. Thank god I wasn't being raped, maimed or assaulted.) The first police car drove up at 11:40, stayed for a minute telling me that there really wasn't anything they could do since I had no idea who was ringing my buzzer. They then got an emergency call about a woman being assualted in my neighborhood and sped off. A minute later another police car drove up, telling me the same thing. Don't let them in, don't put yourself in danger. They left. I had barely gotten back into my apartment when my buzzer rang. Thinking it was the police, I picked up the intercom.
"Hello?" I said
"Can I come up and fuck you, yes or no?"
I called the police again and sped downstairs. No one was there.
Patrick was out with Matthew and didn't pick up his cell, which is totally fine. He probably didn't even hear it ring. He came over around 2am, drunk. So much for being able to protect me. (That's just me being cranky. I know he'd do whatever he could. I'm just tired and a little on edge.)
We put off going to the ASPCA til next week. I just wasn't in the mood.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Hooking Up - A Suitor Responds
DATE: 8/12/2005 03:22:00 PM
-----
BODY:
I just got an e-mail from one of the guys currently dating one of the women (the opera singer who posted on Craigslist's Casual Encounters section) who were featured on last night's episode of "Hooking Up." He says:
==================================================
Hi Moxie,
You seem to have a very bleek outlook on the dating
world. I am just browsing this mornings posts and you really need to realize that
there is more behind the camera than you think.
I am Shelly's boyfriend Clint. Try to keep an open
mind about what you see on TV and
don't jump into the Amy stereotyped mindset of "guys
meet girls to have sex. girls meet
guys to find a husband." Because while that might have
been the stigma 10-20 years ago,
its a wrong belief these days, especially in NYC.
You're right about one thing, the bald guy might not
have been attracted to Shelly, he
might have been waiting to have sex with her and
leave. But guess what, Shelly was
thinking the same thing. She might have been
attracted.. She just wanted to have sex, and
then kick him out. She wasn't looking for anything
long term, just a "casual encounter".
What the camera embellished is that they 'hooked up'
when in reality they maybe made-
out for a bit then she kicked him out.
I love Shelly very much, and we are very happy
together. She is an amazing girl with the energy of
an 8 year old, talent above and
beyond anyone I have met and a personality that lights
up a room.
As for me having no personality, believe what you
like. However after
the short introduction you had to Shelly, do you honestly think
a woman like that
would be satiated by a guy with no personality? Hmm.
I hope you enjoyed the show.
Man of no personality
Clint
First, Clint, I don't have a "bleek" outlook on the
dating scene but rather an honest one. This show
intentionally chose the women they did for one reason
- they made good TV. Not because they wanted us to
root for them. I stand by my comments about Shelly and
the rest of the women. And, frankly, if you read the
dozen or so other threads and boards about the show
you'll see I'm not alone in my opinions. Sorry, but TV
can only do so much editing. If someoen goes on a
reality TV show and lets it all hang out, then they'll
need to deal with the consequences.
It's great that you two are happy. I say that
sincerely. I have no issues with sexually aggressive
women. I do, however, take issue with women who say
that they aren't looking for anything more than sex
when - clearly - they are. Shelly's emotional response
of tears when she began talking about your
relationship showed - to me - that she truly WAS
looking for that emotional connection all along. She
used sexuality to keep guys at a distance but she also
seemed to be using raw, bawdy sexuality as a way to
keep a guy's attention. Which, to me, is a bit sad. I've seen it too often for anyone to tell me that this doesn't happen.
Could I be way off base? Absolutely. You know her
better than I do. But I have a pretty damn good radar
for this stuff.
I didn't find her sexuality offensive. I found the
possibility of her using it as a way to get attention men
unattractive. I also thought the photo she posted was
completely misleading.
There's a big difference between being outgoing and strong and being plain old obnoxious and unpleasant. I get tired of hearing women say "Men are just intimidated by me." Cynthia pulled that one out, too, to explain why she can't hold on to a guy. That excuse should go into the folder of the much over used cliches that women use to justify their behavior. All men aren't turned off by intelligence. They're turned off by arrogance. They don't all lose interest if a woman has an opinion. They lose interest if she's an unpleasant bitch. They aren't afraid that a woman is "too much" for them. They're turned off at crude, abrasive and raunchy behavior.
You know all those dumb quotes in Cosmo from men who say that they love sexually aggressive women? You know why they love 'em? Because they don't have to respect them. It's guiltless casual sex. They can go into with the opinion that the women means nothing and is just a receptical because she's basically positioned herself that way. How empowering. I don't care what anyone says, most men do not respect women who offer up "no strings" sex. UNLESS it's from a woman that they've gotten to know well (i.e. a friend.)
See the difference?
"I am Shelly's boyfriend Clint. Try to keep an open
mind about what you see on TV and
don't jump into the Amy stereotyped mindset of "guys
meet girls to have sex. girls meet
guys to find a husband." Because while that might have
been the stigma 10-20 years ago,
its a wrong belief these days, especially in NYC. "
Keep an open mind? Dude, I give Blowjob Workshops, for
Christ's sake. I have an open mind. Yes, some women use
Craigslist for sex. But many of them are really
looking for love. They're just using sex as a way to
trap guys but they won't admit that to
themselves. And there's a rather large percentage of
men using online dating to find sex. Period. That's
it. The ones actually looking for a relationship are
the exceptions to the rule, not the rule.
"It pains me to
see her painted in a
negative light."
She did the painting, babe, not the editors.
Sad to say, but there are a lot of women out there who use the offering of "free sex" just so they can have someone hold them or pay attention to them. Like I've continually said - whatever gets you through the night as long as your honest with yourself about it.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Unwelcome Visitor and Other Bizarre Bullshit
DATE: 8/12/2005 05:20:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Just to clarify...my picture is on the second page of the ABC.com article. I'm not the red head. Because I feel like pimping myself a bit, here are the two press articles that came out this week in which my company was featured:
Philidelphia Inquirer - Sun, Aug 7th
ABC.com - "Hooking Up" Articles - Ways to Improve Your Online Dating Experience - Aug 11th, 2005.
So, something very odd has been happening this week. Three nights this week, my apartment buzzer has rang around 12:30am. Each time I've answered it, it's been a guy. And every time he's said the same thing. "Can I eat your pussy?"
Okay, once? A mistake. Twice? Creepy. The times? Scary. I'm not sure what I should do. For now, I'll ignore it and just hope it doesn't happen again.
I called Patrick immediately and he came over. He slept with me in my bed, wrapping his arm around my body. I was impressed. Mainly because I sleep naked. He never tried anything. He just spooned me and kissed my shoulder.
I fell right to sleep.
ETA:
My friend shot me an e-mail this morning. Seems Blaire is taking credit for the "30-minute" date rule used by Christen last night on "Hooking Up."
From MarryBlaire.com's Blog:
Hey guys! So I wasn't going to post today, but I just had to! Have you been watching that show "Hooking Up"? I am sooo into it! I think it's very well produced and excellently edited. (I used to work in TV Production, so I can actually weigh in on the subject). Anyway, I was watching last night and one of the girls on there - forgive me, I can't remember her name - went on that "30 minute date" that I came up with . HAHA! Now I'm sure other people have had this idea - although I haven't heard anyone else talk about it - but I think she must read my site!! And an old school reader too! (I came up with that idea back last summer - see August 17,2004 post) HAHA! I'm so flattered. I almost fell off the couch when I was watching it. I couldn't stop laughing! I'm so flattered! How awesome is that?!
So anyway, that's what I wanted to talk about. How cool?! Again, I'm soo flattered! Hilarious!
BTW, did you know they wanted me to be one of those girls on that show? Yep! Months and months ago one of the producers from ABC kept calling me about it, but I turned it down. (It wasn't a good opportunity for me - I'm not into the reality TV, camera following me around on dates, kind of thing). But anyway, I think the show is very good. I thoroughly enjoy it and I'm very impressed with how well it came out.
Maybe Blaire and Al Gore should golf together, since he claims he invented the Internet. First, the girl had a "20 minute date" rule, not 30. And, Blaire, that's been around since the whole online thing became popular. Like...since 2002. Match.com used to include it in their Tips and Tricks section.
And, you know what? I TOTALLY buy that ABC wanted Blaire to be in that show. Seeing as though that series revolves around a bunch of clueless, high expectation, borderline psycho gals who can't keep a man for longer than a few weeks. So, yeah Blaire, you go on with your bad self. Funny thing is, if they were so taken with her and she left such a fantastic impression...hmmm...how come they didn't contact her about that dating coach article that came out yesterday?
She's not into a camera following her around...yet she posts a website and goes on CNN whining about how she wants to be married. There's spin and then there's out and out bullshit. I call bullshit.
"Also, since I'm in a celebratory mood let me share with you my recent web stat findings. Well, this site has stayed at a consistent 13,000 visitors/month - an International and National audience for over a year now and my two other sites have greatly increased in web traffic and google ranking too. Actually my www.metroplanners.com site has doubled traffic in the last 2 months (from 5,000 visitors/month to 10,000 visitors/month) - that's amazing! And my www.bacheloretteexperts.com site has increased from 3,000 visitors/month to over 5,000 visitors/month...not too shabby either. Also my google ranking has been amazing. Either 1 or 2 of my sites show up on the first page (usually in the top 5 slots) of any search for singles events in ny or nj, etc. This is incredible. See I, of course always wanted traffic to go up and search engine ranking to go up too - but never really had the time to actively go after this goal. I did the same stuff that I always talk to you guys about re: love - - I set my intention and put my desire out into the universe. Then - BAM - it happened. Of course it took some time - but it's incredible, a big surprise to me, and I'm really happy about it.
Which would sound plausible if she didn't end up cancelling half her events or could get more than 10 people to attend them. I can absolutely see the analogy between Blair's web site and her dating life. She generates a lot of interest, yet can't ever seem to convert any prospects to a sale.
Your thoughts?
=================
BRIEF SITE PIMP! - CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS ON THESE EVENTS.
NYC
8/13 - Co-ed Softball
8/16 - Singles Bartending Class - 9 spots left
8/22 - Flirting Workshop & Cocktails - -8 spots left
8/23 - Margarita SpeedDating-Ages 24-39
8/25 - Moxie's Anniversary Party! - Open Bar
9/7 - Margarita Speed Dating - Ages 30-48
9/8 - Singles Boxing for Beginners Class - NEW!!
9/20 - Singles Beginner Kick-Boxing Class - NEW!!
PHILADELPHIA
8/25 - Singles Bartending Class- 9 spots left
9/14 - Flirting Workshop - 12 spots left
DC
9/14 - Singles Bartending Class
CHICAGO
8/31 - Singles Bartending Class -Female spots limited
9/20 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 28-44
BOSTON
8/18 - Singles Bartending Class -Female spots limited
9/14 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 28-44
DALLAS
9/22 - Singles Bartending Class
GO TO MOXIENTHECITY.NET FOR EVENT DETAILS
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Anonymity and Eating Out
DATE: 8/11/2005 05:24:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Well, here it is. The ABC.com Article. Yeah, they used my picture. Enjoy!
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/HookingUp/story?id=1025992&page=1
Dinner went smashingly, although it was a bit late. We didn't eat until almost 9:30. And you know what we had?
Wendy's.
Yeah, that's right. Wendy's. I loved every juicy, delicious bite. Patrick called me while I was at my event around 8, on his way home from the office, and asked what I was in the mood for.
"A double cheeseburger and fries from Wendy's."
"Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack, I just got my period and I'm craving greasy food."
I got to his place about 9:30. He opened the door holding a silver foiled wrap burger. Inside, he had decorated his kitchen table with candles and placemats. He had stopped by the Wendy's near his office and picked up dinner. Fries, burgers and Dr. Peppers for both of us.
After dinner we sat on his couch and watched TV. Somewhere between CSI:NY and The Daily Show we bagan making out like teenagers. He slid the straps of my top over my shoulders and pulled it down over my breast. I had almost forgotten how it felt to have him suck on my nipples. The popped to attention quickly. Mother Nature had stepped in earlier that afternoon, so my decision about sex was made for me. (Funny how things happen that way, eh?) I felt bad for Patrick, because his cock felt like it was going to burst through the front of his trousers. So I did what any good girlfriend would do. I slid down to the floor, undid his buckle, unbuttoned his pants and gently pulled out his shaft. For me to give "the works" I needed to get his pants off (I mean, how can you give an effective blow job without paying attention to "the boys?")
Normally I like to tease him a bit with gentle licks up the side of his cock and a twirl of my tongue over the tip. But I was hungry tonight. I lubed his prick with a a few long flicks, starting at bottom and moving up slowly. I ran my thumbs lightly under the head of his penis. This, as always, made Patrick groan slightly. His cock twitched a bit and I could feel the vein on it's underside pulse. I knew I wasn't going to be down here for long.
With my left hand wrapped around the base of his shaft, I slid his dick into my mouth inch by inch until my nose touched the top of my hand. I closed my lips snugly and tightened my grip, then moved my head upwards. Then down. Then up again until I found my rhythm. I had missed the taste of his skin in my mouth.
Patrick played with my curls while he watched me perform. He'd lift my hair up so he could see me swallow his cock. That, he said, was what made him come. I massed his balls, running a finger up and down the seam that seperated the two sacs. I stopped sucking him off long enough to nibble on each testicle. I took one in my mouth and swabbed it with my tongue. My left palm was sliding up and down his tool. Once his hips started to pump up and down I knew what was next. I took him back in my mouth then twisted my head, clockwise then counter-clockwise, as I slid each inch past my lips. My left index finger slipped slightly below his balls. I gently massed his hot spot (or his "taint" as it's more commonly known.) Within seconds he came, gushing a thick load of cum. My cheeks puffed out as I attempted to catch it all. A small bit eeked out of the corner of my mouth.
"I've missed that" he said as he caught his breath.
"Me too" I said as a wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
I made my way back across town around 1am. I hadn't planned on staying over night. Plus, having my period just made me want to sleep in my own bed. I didn't have any spare tampons on me.
"I can run out and buy you some" Patrick offered. Huh...that's a first. How often do guys offer to go buy a woman tampons?
"I appreciate that, but I just want to go home and sleep and not have to wake up early."
He looked a little dejected but recovered quickly. He walked downstairs to geta cab and kissed me goodnight. Before I climbed into the taxi he reminded me about Saturday.
"Don't forget, we're going to the ASPCA Saturday morning."
Oh shit. I had a game that afternoon. I'd totally forgotten. I knew we'd be there for at least two hours.
"Can we go early, like ten? I have a game at two."
"I can go by myself. It's not a problem."
"No...I want to be there with you. Just remeber to make sure to have your references. They're gonna call them to do a reference check before you adopt."
"Will do. I'll see you Saturday at nine? Breakfast first?"
"Perfect."
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Sobering Reality and Sexual Reunion
DATE: 8/10/2005 05:43:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Yeah, I really couldn't get much more creative. I'm exhausted - in a good way. I've got my company launching events in DC and Chicago next month and I've been busy getting all that together. Plus, my ABC.com interview comes out tomorrow - so look for it on the "Hooking Up" section of the ABC.com website. (They asked for a picture, so if they use it I might have to forego the whole "no picture rule.")
Dinner tonight with Patrick. I'm excited and a little bit nervous. It has been about three weeks to a month since we've had sex, after all. He's gotta be expecting it. God knows I want it. So we'll see. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe we should wait until we're fully back on track. I still think we have some stuff to work on and get clear. The expectations and obligations need to be clear on both ends. I don't want to be right back here in two months.
On another note....
ASK MOXIE
Name: Red
Age: 34
Location: Manhattan
Question: First off, background on me, I am 34, divorced for a yr now and looking for a LTR, have been steadily dating for a yr and done the casual thing and looking for more....Ok, so, I meet this guy on match.com, 31, single, gorgeous, intelligent, smart, and educated. Couple issues (1) lives in LI, I live in Manhattan, (2) doesn't drink! Our 1st date is last Sat, we went to brunch, hung out at a coffee house and talked for like 5 hrs, the hole date was like 8 hrs long. Yesterday was date 2, I went out to LI around lunch, had lunch, spent all day at his house in the pool in the backyard, talked a ton, came back to the city around 11pm. Found out he is a recovering alcholic and a former cocaine user. Has been in recovery for 10 mos. Do I run the other way now before I get hurt? I really like him, I respect that he told me and I admire that he was brave enough to go into a detox ctr and go thru with it? HELP!
What are you REALLY afraid of? Because , based on what you've told me, this guy hasn't given you any reason to believe that he'd hurt you. I have to be honest and say that it sounds to me like you're not comfortable witht he fact that this guy went to rehab or had an addiction problem. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably feel the same way. But the fear of being hurt just doesn't make sense to me. It, dare I say, sounds a wee bit selfish.
The guy has only been in recovery for 10 months. From what I know of AA and NA, I thought they discouraged members from dating for at least a year because it could be too stressful a situation to deal with while trying to get sober. So if you're not into it, don't stay involved with him. Not fair to him or to you, but in his case rejection could cause real damage.
My gut says that you should stop seeing him. You're not comfortable with it and it sounds like he's in a very vulnerable position. Maybe wait a few months and see what happens?
Readers, your thoughts?
***************************************
***************************************
GOT A DATING RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie - Online Dating Frustration
DATE: 8/09/2005 09:27:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Name: Howard
Age: 30
Location: Atlanta
Question: Hey Moxie.
I recently had this girl cancel a first date we had planned because she had to cover for a sick co-worker. She said in her e-mail that "her job is currently taking over at the moment".
Now I will admit after a couple of phone conversations with her I was already getting some bad vibes. She came off sounding some what immature (she's 29) and a little bit how'd you say, dorky. She described how she recently vomitted from too much alcohol and lack of food. Too much information if you ask me.
Well anyway, I found her line about her job a bit disturbing but one I am familiar with. It simply amazes me how many people, women especially, will post a profile on line which gives the impression they are in most cases seeking companionship or a relationship of some sort and yet in reality they really do not have the time to develop any consistent communication to develop a relationship due to other time constraint such as their job.
I assume they put themselves out there because emotionally they are feeling either lonely or even jealous of their married friends who have families. But is it right to make yourself seem available to others like myself who truly have the time and desire to develop a realtionship when in essence you at that certain point in your life just are not that available?
Overall it can be very frustrating for someone in my shoes. I do wonder if this particular girl is even telling the truth and simply did not have the guts to tell me she had second thoughts or cancelled because she met someone else. Who knows, but it's situations like these where it's tough to find someone and yet those feelings are not sincerely reciprocated.
Your feedback will certainly be appreciated.
Here's the part of this letter that sticks out the most to me:
"I assume they put themselves out there because emotionally they are feeling either lonely or even jealous of their married friends who have families. But is it right to make yourself seem available to others like myself who truly have the time and desire to develop a realtionship when in essence you at that certain point in your life just are not that available?"
Ummm...no offense...but are you a psychic? Because you have absolutely no idea why they might be posting a profile. This is where you seem to be making your mistake. You sound as though you frequently put your expectations on the women you meet online. Don't ever assume to know someone's motivation for doing things. You're not in their head.
Is this woman interested in you? No. Is she a bad person for blowing you off? Well, maybe. I don't know enough about her or the other women you've met online to make a fair judgement call. It's possible she was afraid to be honest with you, for whatever reason. But forget about them. Let's focus on YOU.
You say that you are "familiar" with this sort of reaction or excuse. What conclusion do you draw from that?
I have to say that this letter has a strong air of bitterness and resentment to it. If I can pick this up via e-mail, then it's very possible that women you're communicating with can as well. Maybe it's intentional, maybe it's not. It's the sort of thing that send off warning bells with people.
That's the thing about e-mail. You don't ever REALLY know what someone means when communicating via e-mail. That's why it's so important to be aware of how you "sound" or come across via electronic communication. Someone could type the sentence "What did you mean by that?" and you'd have no idea if they were asking out of anger or just general confusion. You're missing the vital component - inflection. Tone. Don't think, for one second, that your true feelings or opinions don't come through when you're talking to people - even in e-mail. Almost 35% of the impression we make on someone is based on our tone and inflection. If I got a feeling that I guy I met online was a bit intense or too aggressive, I might back away from telling him I wasn't interested, too. Not just to spare his feelings but because I wouldn't want to invite any sort of argument.
I get that you want an answer to certain questions. And I agree that common courtesy is pretty much non-existent in the online dating scene. But, sadly, many other people dating online don't feel they owe you (or anyone else) anything. Just because YOU would handle things differently doesn't mean THEY would. You'll either have to accept that or not use that medium as a way to meet people. If you can't deal with that and continue to try to get what you want using your current methods, the result will be the equivalent of banging your head in to a wall.
Readers, your thoughts?
***************************************
***************************************
GOT A DATING RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.MoxieintheCity.net
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie - Unscaleable Walls
DATE: 8/09/2005 08:12:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Name: Greg
Age: 28
Location: Dallas, TX
Question: Moxie,
I'm in my late twenties and enjoy long ditance cycling, rock climbing, swimming... pretty much anything outdoors and involving blood, sweat and tears. Unfortunately, it seems like I can't find any women that are athletic, enjoy taking care of their bodies and are anywhere near my age or, more importantly, life stage. The women I meet in cycling are either mid-30s+ with a child and I cannot relate to them. The women I meet climbing or in other sports are inevitably already in a relationship so I end up with another girl friend (as opposed to a girlfriend) which is all well and good but I'm ready to build a relationship of my own.
What gives?
Okay, I'm just gonna speak my mind here, Greg.
Dude...what are you really looking for? A girlfriend or a workout partner? I can understand that you'd like to find someone who shares common interests. That way you have fun things to do together. But, Jesus....high expectations much? Is being outdoorsy and athletic really that high on your list of must haves that no one else has a chance? What about a girl who's kind, nice, sweet, loyal, honest and genuine?
You say you're ready to build a relationship of your own, but you've completely pigeon holed yourself and your dream girl. When you think of a mate or a partner, what qualities come to mind? Does it say somewhere that a woman who rock climbs and loves the outdoors is some sort of Uber-Girlfriend?
Personally, I don't think you are ready to build a relationship of your own. I think you have these, well, walls that you've put up that no one is going to be able to clinb. Literally and Figuratively.
Again, i understand why you might WANT someone who shares your love of athletics and outdoors. But that may not be the person you necessarily NEED.
Readers, your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie - Dealing With a Blow Off
DATE: 8/09/2005 06:58:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Name: Monica
Age: 35
Location: Lafayette, Louisiana
Question: Moxie,
How do you handle the dating rejection -or at least how do you fake it?
I met a guy on an online dating service. We started talking while he was in town but our conversations (i.e. phone and IM) escalated while he was out of town for job purposes for 2 weeks. We really hit it off, had lots of friends in common and it seemed to be going well for a meeting when he got back to town.
Once he returned we met briefly for the first time. Leaving that meeting, I felt pretty good about it. We had good chemistry, all the good "ju ju" on the phone/IM carried over in person, something I was really afraid wouldn't happen in person. He was off the next day for another job related trip. I simply said to "give me a call when you get back" knowing full well I'd probably hear from him via telephone or IM as before.
(before you assume, yes he travels alot for work and no he's not in another relationship - I've done my homework with the mutual friends)
2 weeks pass without a word.
Last week while out with the girls, I run into him. He smiles. I smile back but pretty much fuming inside at the blowoff I'd apparently been given by him, I turn away with a dismissing hair flip. I catch a few glances from him through the night but neither one of us managed to approach the other.
It's cliche I know, and before I had read that book, I would have
fallen into any death-in-the-family / maybe-he's-busy / he-lost-your-number
excuse that my girlfriends have offered up. He's just not into me.
He managed to contact me for the 2 week period he was out of town,
he's no busier now than he was before. I can accept that maybe
it didn't go as well for him as it did for me.
But looking back, I feel like I should have handled the encounter
differently. Maybe I should have approached him, not been so bitter
about the whole thing, let him know things were ok. Instead I think
I came off as psycho girl, mad because I didn't get a phone call.
What do you say to someone that has blown you off? How do you bow
out graciously and still look good? How do you at least fake the
"it's ok that you didn't call me"?
Been there, done that.
The best way to handle this situation? First, fugire out what you're
really feeling. It's probably not anger. It's likely that you're hurt
and confused. Approach/call the person (don't e-mail them, that's
just a waste of time) and tell them that. The way to approach it
without sounding angry is to make yourself vulnerable. State your
feelings honestly, being aware of the tone of your voice. Calm,
slow, quiet. Cock your head a bit to the side.
Say hello, make polite small talk and then just say, "I'm confused.
I like you and I thought you felt the same. Then I never heard from
you again. What happened?"
You've put yourself out there. If he really did care for you or like you,
the last thing he'll want to do is hurt your feelings again. Will you get
the truth? Maybe. But know that going in. The real point of addressing
the issue is to get your feelings heard and acknowledged.
Readers, your thoughts?
GOT A DATING RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Things I Learned at Dinner Last Night
DATE: 8/06/2005 06:21:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick broached the subject of resuming our relationship last night while we had dessert.
"I miss this" hs said as he scooped his spoon into my creme brulee. I had to admit, I missed it too. Event little things like when he'd take a bite of something off my plate, which I hated!
I couldn't just nod and agree and say "I do too. Let's forget this break thing and just get back to where we were." I felt like we needed to really clear the air, once and for all.
"I know I've asked you this before, but I need to ask again. And I need you to be honest with me." Notice I didn't say "I want him to be honest with me." "Want" sounds like a command, an order. "Need" softens the request and makes me sound vulnerable. Which I was at that point because I knew I may not like what I heard.
"Okay. Ask" he said and leaned forward, folding his arms and resting his elbows on the table."
"Did you meet someone else? Have you been with someone else?"
"I told you..."
"I know what you told me, but I don't believe you."
He was going to respond to that in some sort of mock disappointment. He twisted his mouth a bit and stared at me.
I already knew the answer.
"The girl in Chicago, right?" I asked.
"I didn't sleep with her, Mox, I swear. That's the truth."
"But you almost did, didn't you?"
"I stopped before things went too far. I couldn't do it. I was drunk, I was feeling a bit entitled. The job, we had gotten that client, we were partying. It was a stupid mistake. But I didn't sleep with her. She came back to my room but before anything could really happen I stopped and got her a cab home."
"What's 'too far?' Did she go down on you? Did you go down on her? Were you naked and, like, right about to fuck her? Did you tell her you had a girlfriend?"
"I don't see the point of discussing it like this."
"Fuck you. I do."
He knows better than to try and evade my questions when I take that attitude. He pulled at the table cloth for a bit. "She knew about you. She didn't care. She tried to go down on me, I wasn't into it. I asked her to leave. I barely touched her. We kissed. That's it."
"The necklace. The phone call. That's what those were about?"
"I guess you could look at it that way. I stopped because all I could think of was you. It didn't feel right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I couldn't cry or yell. I had done almost the exact same thing. "I kissed someone" I said.
"When?"
"Right before you left. A bartender. It was nothing. I haven't seen him since. It was right after we had had that fight just before you left for Chicago. Things were just so weird with us then. You were never around. You never wanted to get together. I mean, you couldn't get together."
"I was so busy then. It's not that I didn't want to, Mox. I just had so much banging down on me."
"Have you been avoiding me? Is that why you were hanging out with people from work so much."
"No. Not at all. I just got caught up. You were right, I was trying too hard to be the 'cool boss.' I was just feeling like such a shit and, yeah, I guess I was kind of avoiding you. But not because I didn't want to be with you. I just wanted to forget what happened."
There was no doubt in my mind that he felt badly about what happened.
"So what now?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"I want to get things back on track with us. Can we do that?"
I knew in my heart that we could eventually. But not just yet.
"I think we should take a few steps back. I think both of us have been having reservations. So, let's just go one day at a time for now, okay?"
"I can do that."
We walked out of the restaurant holding hands. It felt familiar and nice. How could I resent or hate him for doing something that I did, too? I believe that he didn't sleep with her. My gut belives it, too. I'm not trying to convince myself of anything. i just feel that he's telling em the truth.
"Do you want to come back to my place?" he asked.
"No. I have a game tomorrow, plus I don't think we should jump back into anything."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Call me in an hour or so?" I asked.
I lay in bed at midnight with my cell phone to my ear, listening to Patrick talk about his work, his Mom and how he's thinkign of getting a dog.
"But you're never home!" I laughed. "Who's gonna take him out for a walk?"
"That'll be a good excuse for me not to hang out to late. 'Ooops, gotta walk the dog! Gotta go."
"I'll walk him for you."
"Yeah? You will?"
"Yeah, I can do that a couple times a week. I love dogs."
We made plans to go to the ASPCA next weekend and pick out a puppy and made tentative plans for dinner on Tuesday.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: I Have a Date
DATE: 8/05/2005 06:12:00 AM
-----
BODY:
...with Patrick. Tonight.
He called me last night to chat, telling me about work and how things had lightened up a bit and that August was looking to be slow at work. He wanted to take advantage of that, he said, by spending time with me.
Which was great to hear, although I fouynd his timing ironic. I was in the middle of planning out my fourth quarter events and had booked myself pretty solid. I guess I had it in my mind that I'd have to stay busy, either because he and I would never get back together or, if we did, I wouldn't see him all that much. And you know what? I was okay with that. Like, really okay with it. Maybe toooooo okay with it.
I realized that, while I was certainly hurting because of his actions over the last few weeks, I was enjoying the time off. The pressure was, as he said, getting to me. So maybe the best thing for us right now is to start seeing each other again, but not exclusively. Not that that means I have any interest in sleeping with someone else. I don't at all. It wasn't the monogamy that was getting to me. It was the expectations and obligations.
So, we're headed to dinner tonight to talk. A fancy dinner. A dress up dinner. I'm excited to see him (and lord knows I'm horny as all get out.) But we'll see if sex is on the menu. Depends on how our conversation goes. I'm going to discuss the non-exclusivity option with him and see what he thinks. I realize, though, that that means he'll be free to sleep with someone else. And how do i feel about that? I'm mixed. I guess it's a give and take. I can't expect to have it both ways.
We'll see.
On another note:
Amy, from "Hooking Up?" You're still a game playing psycho. She pulled out another passive aggressive trick from her book of Dating Don'ts : The Faux Break-up.
You see Dave wasn't attentive enough to Amy and Amy wasn't "feeling it." So, even while not "feeling it" she went out with him while he sang kareoke. (Note to Amy - When a guy you've been dating goes away for two weeks, comes back, and then takes you out with a group of friends - he's not "feeling it" either.) Dave clearly had little interest for Amy and was bring friends along as buffers. Amy sat at the bar all night pouting tellign the camera how Dave's behavior bothered her. But, hey, she still went home with him! So, Amy devises this masterful plan. She's say she wants to break-up! That will get Dave's attention! Only it, ummm, doesn't. Before Amy can finishe her sentence about how she "wasn't feeling it" Dave quickly agrees and says he agrees and that things aren't working. HAH! He beat her to the punch. "Don't be a stranger!" he says before he hangs up. Pussy. He's been playing the distant and withholding game for awhile now in hopes she'd dump him and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Amy looks at the phone, dumbfounded. "Okay? OKAY?1! That's it? What the fuck was that?" Awww...poor Amy thought she'd give him another ultimatum and he'd bite. Sucka! Amy toddled off to her kitchen to make cookies. That's okay, Amy, just remember...those cookies? Aren't love.
The yoga instructor, Kristin, was a bitch. The only reason why she felt any "chemistry" with that gap toothed guy she went out with was because of his looks. He was a snooze. There she sat on all her previous dates looking bored. Did Kristin ever hear the saying, "To be bored is to be boring?" Guess not, because that's what she was. Boooorinnggg. Yet she expected all the guys to jump up and down and entertain her. But gap-toothed boy had the great bod, so she suddenly felt that attrcation. It couldn't have been because he had a great personality. And, not for anything Kristin? You have zero personality as well, so I wouldn't be holding a measuring stick up to every guy and judging them on that. You don't bring it to the table, so don't expect them to. Oh...and Kristin? Moisturize. There's no way these women are the ages they claim to be. You're a yoga instructor, sweetheart, lose the 'tude. You, missy, are no Jane Fonda. So get over yourself. Your acting career is non-existent. So much so that you figured you'd go on a reality tv show and hunt for a man. Girl, please. Perfect example of "She Ain't All That."
Sonja was sweet, albeit a bit dim. Her first date invited her back to his place "for a drink." Her gut told her that that wasn't the right thing but she went any way. Good thing there were cameras present because the guy turned out to be a lecherous sleaze ball, grabbing at her buttons and not taking "No" for an answer. Which is funny,'cause when we first met him he told the camera how tired he was of just having casual encounters and was ready for something more. Um...dude? No you're not. You might want to look in to a little thing called sexual compulsion. One more thing? No means No, you sociopath.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Too Many Options To Deal With Bullshit
DATE: 8/03/2005 08:43:00 AM
-----
BODY:
In response to ABC's "Hooking Up."
Guys don't have to tolerate a lot of stuff here because there are so many single women in NYC. These guys don't have to stick around. They can just find someone else who's less complicated. But these women seem to think that being good in bed or having a good body should make guys feel privilaged to be with them so they feel justified in being pushy, obnoxious and demanding.
Sing it loud, sing it proud. Guys hate drama. The only guys who don't hate drama are the ones who get off causing it. There's way too many women in this city for men to stick around and deal with bullshit. For every high maintence over 30 woman there's at least 3-5 laid back 27 year olds whose biggest comcerns are paying their cell phone billS and finding a great deal on shoes.
I played softball with a gilr named Aimee two summers ago. She and I went to college together and were sorority sisters. As the season wore on, Aimee slowly but surely started to try to drag the spotlight over to herself at every opportunity. Soon she was sleepign with one of our team mates. She wasn't attracted to him, she said, and didn't have feelings for him but thought he "was cool." He, however, started falling for her. She told him the feeling wasn't mutual, that she only liked him as a friend (yet continued sleeping with him.) So much for avoiding drama. Joe followed her around and did her bidding whenever she asked. He was into her, she knew it, and she took advantage of it. She didn't want to lose that attention. For whatever reason, she introduced this guy (let's cal him Joe) to one of her close friends in hopes that they would hit it off. Her friend was cute, not as attractive as Aimee, but clearly much more stable.
They did.
I warned him. "You know why she's doing that don't you? You know why she's hooking you up with a friend of hers, right?"
He didn't because men are generally clueless when it comes to how cunning some women can be.
"She's doing that so she can still have a hold on you. So she won't lose your attention. If you date a friend of hers then it's less likely that you'll fade her out. Plus she'll be able to offer her totally biased two cents every so often to keep you from ever getting serious about her friend."
Sure enough, just when Joe and Aimee's friend started gettign serious, she threw in a wrench.
"I realized that I DO have feelings for you" she told Joe one night. Wow, what a coincidence. Aimme suddenly develops feelings for Joe right around the time he's moved on and found someone else. Right around the time she relaized he no longer was her bitch.
Joe and I laughed about it when he told me what happened. "If you hadn't gave me that warning, I probably would have dumped her friend and started up with Aimee. But as soon as she said she had feelings for me I remembered what you said. She was playing a game and though for sure because the sex was great with us that I'd dump this other girl and run into her arms. Not happening."
Exactly. Aimee was so sure that Joe was completely invested in her because she was great in bed that she would be able to pull any sort of drama or bullshit she wanted to get him. What Aimee didn't take into consideration was that Joe would be able to see through her act and sense the impending drama.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Personal Pimping
DATE: 8/02/2005 10:11:00 AM
-----
BODY:
I don't usually use this blog to pimp my events or my companies, but I could use some of your help getting the word out. My company is launching their Singles Bartending Classes Nationally and I really need to get the word out. With over 700 uniques visitors per day, I thought this would be a good place to start.
BLOGGERS:
If you could, could you post this info some where on your blog? I'd be happy to offer you two comp tickets to an event in exchange for your assistance. Just shoot me a comment and tell me you poste dit and I'll put you on my guest list.
READERS:
Check out full details about these events and more at http://www.MoxieintheCity.net.
SINGLES BARTENDING CLASSES
NYC - Aug 16th
http://www.mollyguard.com/event/18509362
Philly - Aug 25th
http://phillybar825.mollyguard.com/
Boston - Aug 18th
http://www.mollyguard.com/event/18952688
Chicago - Aug 31st
http://chicagobar830.mollyguard.com/
For full details just go to www.MoxieintheCity.net.
OTHER EVENTS:
8/6 - Co-ed Softball & Post Game Food/Beers
http://moxieinthecity.c.topica.com/maadODYabi8jpaaaaaabadIdUw/
==
8/10 - Margarita SpeedDating-Ages 27-44 - 4 male/3 female spots
http://moxieinthecity.c.topica.com/maadODYabi8jqaaaaaabadIdUw/
==
8/16 - Singles Bartending Class -Chocolate & Rum - 10 spots left
http://moxieinthecity.c.topica.com/maadODYabi8jkaaaaaabadIdUw/
==
8/22 - Flirting Workshop & Cocktails - NEW!!
http://moxieinthecity.c.topica.com/maadODYabi8jraaaaaabadIdUw/
==
8/23 - Margarita SpeedDating - Ages 24-39 - NEW!!
http://moxieinthecity.c.topica.com/maadODYabi8jsaaaaaabadIdUw/
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: So, How Are You..Really?
DATE: 8/02/2005 06:46:00 AM
-----
BODY:
That's the question I'm getting most.
And the answer is: Okay. Just okay. Last weekend was a bit weird, as I slept at my place all three nights. Patrick has called me twice since our "break-up" just to check in. Sweet, I guess, but also a bit selfish. You said you wanted a break, I thought as we spoke. Why aren't you making a clean break?
Renee, one of the readers of this blog, came to my Oral Sex Workshop last night. As we chatted outside she asked me, "So..how are you doing...really?"
I told her that the break-up hadn't really set in with me yet. Probably because I don't think this break-up would be permanent. It really wasn't posed as a split, was it? Didn't he just want a hiatus of sorts? A relationship sabbatical?
I'm think yes, but what if he decided a month from now that he doesn't want me back or doesn't want to get bcak together with me. What if I'm putting my life on hold only to be told that it wasn't going to happen for us.
Was he testing me? Testing my reolve to see if I push for us to get back together? I don't know. I sort of feel like he's expecting something from me. But feelings aren't facts. Normally I'd tell someone to just ask their partner what they wanted or where they saw things going. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I can't do. The one time I really, really, really want answers and I just have to sit on my hands and wait. Which, if you haven't noticed, I suck at.
I can't ask Patrick this because, really, wasn't that exactly why he initiated this to begin with? The pressure? The expectations?
So, how am I? I'm feeling anxious, a bit depressed and a little resentful. I've booked myself solid through August just to stay busy and focused. One good thing that has shown me that I've grown from this relationship is that I haven't gone looking to someone else to help me forget. No sex, no dating, no "keeping my options open." Just a lot of introspection. Casual sex at this point would just hurt me more
I owe myself and Patrick this time to see what materializes. I owe us both this time to allow each other to figure out what we want. Just moving on doesn't feel right to me. Too much time, too much emotion was poured into the last seven months. I'm just not ready to give up on that yet.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Anticipation Anxiety
DATE: 8/01/2005 05:33:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Do guys get "first time" sex anxiety when they're about to sleep with a new partner?
My friend called me crying Saturday night. A guy she she recently started hanging out with opted to stay "with the guys" at the bar they were at rather than leave with her and go home to have sex. They hadn't had sex yet and, after several hours at the bar with everyone, she was ready to go.
"Everything was so cool up until then. He was really affectionate with me, we were having fun, we both said we wanted to go home and have sex...then they started playing some silly video game and he didn't want to leave. We got there around four o'clock that afternoon. We were there for 6 fucking hours!"
She didn't want to be "that girl" who whined at her guy, "Can we leave yet? Are you ready to go yet???" The first time she asked him to leave he said he wanted to stay "a little while longer." Okay, she though. I'll hang for a bit more. 30 minutes later she wanted to go. He still wanted to stay.
"Oh no. Sorry. I'm tired and want to go home. Forget it. Probably for the best."
So she left. As of this writing, she still hasn't heard from him.
"I know we weren't 'dating' dating. But I liked him, and he said he liked me. Things seemed cool, like we wanted the same thing and weren't playing a game."
Then it struck me.
"Had he been drinking?" I asked.
"Yeah. Some. I don't think he was drunk. Maybe 4 or 5 beers."
Hmmm....could he have been nervous about his performance and just wanted to sober up a bit? Or was he maybe a bit nervous about the impending sex and his performance?
Or...maybe...he just changed his mind and didn't want to sleep with her...yet. Or at all.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Latest Column
DATE: 7/30/2005 06:15:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Some of you have read this, some of you haven't.
MOXIE'S LATEST SAVVYINSIDER.COM COLUMN:
S[h]e's All That......
http://www.savvyinsider.com
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Stop the Insanity
DATE: 7/28/2005 07:23:00 PM
-----
BODY:
So...just finished watching the latest episode of "Hooking Up."
For the love of God...stop the insanity.
In my Flirting Workshop the other day, I had a cute young woman ask me, "How do I know if a guy is really interested in me or just wants to get laid?"
My answer? "They do want to get laid. That is what they are thinking. But that doesn't mean that won't become interested in you. Guys think in terms of immediacy. 'What need to I want to fill now? Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, horny?' The sign that he is interested or looking for somethign more in general is if he doesn't rush sex or physical intimacy or holds off. That means he wants to get to know you better.
Also, let's address this "third date" rule. Can we please, for once and for all, get rid of this? This is a stupid fabntasy that some clever Cosmo or Sex and the City writer made up. Sex and the City was fiction, people. Entertaining? Hell yeah! Informative or educational. Fuck no! If anything, it set women back. You know when the "right time" to sleep together is? When you've both communicated your needs and find that you're on the same page. It could be the first date or the hundred and first, depending on what you are looking for.
Amy, the 28 year old real esatet agent, is clearly the poster child for Women Who Refuse to Take Responsibility for Themselves. She has 4 dates with David, sleeps with him and then flips out when he doesn't call her the next day. Okay, now I agree that a guy should call a woman he's been seeing seriously the next day after the first time they have sex. It's a sweet little acknowledgement of what transpired. It's also a respect thing.
UNLESS.........
He's some guy that you're dating casually, that you slept with without talking about expectations or what you're looking for and youhave an idea that he's dating other women. David's lack of calling was the old "settign the pace" routine that guys frequently do after sleeping with a woman. It's a non-verbal way of saying 'Don't expect to see me or hear from me everyday. I want my space. You're not my girlfriend.' It's a stupid game that cowards play because they don't have the balls to speak up for themselves.
Amy then gives him an ultimatum: Stop sleeping with other women, dump them and that's the only way you'll have sex with me again.
Ah, yes, sexual extortion. That's such an aphrodisiac.
Here's Amy's ABC.com profile ad (see her pic above):
Amy's Story
Amy, Real Estate Broker (ABC)
Amy has a few simple requirements for her prospective daters: you are "single / a non-smoker / have graduated college / live alone / like animals / are not overweight / are confident / do not live with your mother / are professionally employed / don't own any video games / don't drink beer on a daily basis / don't spend sunny days watching sports / go to sleep at a reasonable hour / are a morning person / don't listen to rap music / don't have bad breath / are taller than 5'6" / are funny / polite / attractive / straight / and willing to take me out this Thursday afternoon!"
Amy, I have a feeling you read this blog. So let me just say this directly to you:
First...are you looking to date a man or a doormat with a penis? Because that description? Makes it sound like you want a guy who doesn't spend a moment apart from you. How many "don'ts" are in that profile? You don't want to be someone's partner. Youw ant to be their mother. Oh, and Amy?......
GET A FUCKING GRIP.
You are so desperate to get married that you're jumping at every little sign or signal without thinking and taking responsibility for yourself. Because you expect every guy to read your fucking mind and because you relate marriage to self-worth...you keep trying to trap men into giving you what you want. Then you turn around and play the "withholding sex" game which makes me dislike you even more. You are one big game player. You were wrong. You should have stated what you wanted before he slipped that condom on. You made him the bad guy because you didn't get what you wanted. Honestly? When David admitted to the camera that he was still sleeping with other women while sleeping with you, I cheered. You make me embarrassed to be a women. It's behavior like that that has men avoiding commitment and saying things like "Women are nuts."
David is no prize either.....
David? Is a tool. I'm not a fan of guys who woo and romance women, treat them like they're their girlfriend and then pull the "I don't want to get too close to soon" thing. Dude, you made her dinner on your third date. That's not keeping things casual. You wanted ot fuck her, you did, now suck it up and be a man and stand your ground. Pussy.
Maryam is another one that has me throwing Red Bull cans at my screen. Maryam, the guy you went out with said in his profile he wasn't looking for anything serious. Yet, on your second or third date with him, you got all offended when he told you he wasn't looking to be monogamous with you or anyone else. He stated his intentions up front. What more can he do? Then she takes him home with her (after admitting on camera that she didn't want him to) and picks a fight with him to get him to leave. What am I thinking? Oh yeah...take responsibility for yourself!!!
So far, all of these women (excpet for Reisha who I think deserves much respect for holding off on physical intimacy until marriage or serious commitment) are so completely undesireable, unattractive and ..yes...nuts.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Care to Meet for a Drink?
DATE: 7/28/2005 06:44:00 AM
-----
BODY:
That's what Patrick said to me this morning via e-mail.
My response?
"Do I want to? Yes. Should I? No. I think we need to take this time to figure out what we want and getting together two days after we decide to "take a break" will confuse things. Not fair to me or to you. So let's just stick to the original plan.
I still love you."
I'm not angry at him, but I am starting to think he just was having this "under pressure" moment and now regrets asking to take a break.
The thing is....I think the break is something we both need. I'm not sure if I want this relationship, either.
Many of youthink he wants to (or already has) screw/date someone else. I think they're right. The problem is....if that's why he asked for the split then I'll never be able to get back with him. My trust issues were high enough. I just don't think I COULD be involved with him knowing he simply was feeling tempted and weak. But how do I know if that's the case? Do I ask?
I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, we stay apart.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie - Why No Pic?
DATE: 7/27/2005 01:24:00 PM
-----
BODY:
ASK MOXIE - GET DATING ADVICE!
Ask your questions about se-, relationships men & women!
Free and anonymous....
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
ETA:
A few people have e-mailed and asked why I don't post pics on my blog
like some other blogges do. The main reason is that this isn't a diary
or journal. This blog isn't really "about me." Some bloggers post their
pics on their blogs because their blogs are their own personal forums to
talk about what's going on in their life. That's cool.....but the goal
here is to get people to talk to each other, not just to me. So the less
"me" there is the better.
The other reason I don't do it is that posting pics on my blog just
feels way too self-indulgent. And just the tiniest bit sad. Not the
tiny little profile pics some people have in their sidebar...
the regular sized ones of them in various poses and locations.
To be perfectly blunt, it just comes off like a cry for attention.
I know that some people might be offended by that last comment,
but it's just how I feel and I wanted to address it because
I've gotten a few e-mails about it recently.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Hiatus
DATE: 7/27/2005 06:54:00 AM
-----
BODY:
I don't know why I didn't see this coming.
Patrick came by late last night after work. Sober, tired and...something more.
I couldn't tell what it was when he first walked in. Uneasy? On edge?
I opened a beer for him and flopped down next to him on my bed.
Something was wrong.
I know everyone wants details. Unfortunately, I haven't fully processed what happened. I'm in the "overanalyzing" stage.
He said he thought that he shouldn't have a girlfriend right now.
He said he loved me, but just couldn't "handle" having a full time
relationship.
He said he just felt pressured and tired all the time, not just due
to me but with stuff going on at home and at work. A lot of worry and
stress, he said.
I counted how many times he said he loved me. Eight. Eight times.
"This isn't permanent" he said. "I just want to be on my own for a while.
I still love you, don't think i don't, I just don't need a girlfriend right
now."
Need. He said he didn't "need" a girlfriend right now. Not "want." Need. As in he was having plenty of fun with his friends or on his own that he didn't "need" me?
"I know this sounds selfish. But it's what I need right now."
Ahhh...there's that word again. What he needs.
"Did you meet someone else?" I asked. "How long have you been
thinking about this?"
"A while. I've been thinking about this for a while."
"You didn't answer my question...did you meet someone else?"
"I'm not interested in dating someone else" he said.
"Still not answering my question."
"No, I haven't met someone else."
"Let me ask that a different way. Have you slept with someone else?"
"No. I told you you that when we first got together. I wouldn't
do that to you." It's not about anyone else. It's about me.
I just don't want a girlfriend right now."
"You don't want a girlfriend or you don't want me?"
"I do want you. I do want you in my life. I just can't be a boyfriend
right now."
"You're doing the one thing that you know I fear most.
You're leaving me."
"I'm not leaving you. I just need a little time.
Can you give me that?"
"I don't know. How much?"
"I don't know."
He left soon after. The gist is that he wants time to be on his own.
To just do his thing. To, uggh, and I hate this phrase..."sow his oats."
Is it that he wants to screw someone else and wants to do it with a clear conscience?
But, it's funny. There's little part of me that's relieved. It's no secret
that I've shown my own level of hesitancy and uncertainty with the growing expectations around our relationship. Neither of us have been fully present
over the past 2 months. I keep thinking it has something to do with when he
went to Chicago. There's been a difference. It was slight, but it was there. A hesitancy. Like we both had something to hide. I know I did. I'm thinking he
does, too. Remember what he said a little while ago? If it was just a fuck and didn't mean anything, there was no need to cop to it. Just leave it in the past. Nothing good would come from it.
My gut tells me that this break isn't permanent. That it is exactly what
he says it is. A much needed hiatus to refuel.
I woke up this morning to find an e-mail from him.
"Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking about you."
The next e-mail was from ABCNews.com. They want to interview me about
a piece their doing about relationships and dating in NYC.
How ironic.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Room to Breathe
DATE: 7/24/2005 04:40:00 PM
-----
BODY:
So....Friday ended up blowing up in my face.
One of the peopele running my event ended up spraining her ankle the day before and arrived in a big bandage around her foot. Which meant she wasn't able to do much of what she needed to do in order for me to leave early. Not her fault, of course, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving her there to run the event on her own with only one other assistant.
So, I called Patrick and told him that I'd be home later than I thought. Which, apprently, worked for him because he was out after work and having fun.
"Not a problem. I'll meet you around eleven then?"
"Well, I could leave here around ten and meet you at my place around ten-fifteen."
"Emmm...I'm downtown now. Let's say eleven?"
I ran through my mental alrm clock. I had to be at the field for my softball game the next day at one. And I had an eleven o'clock event prep phone meeting with my Philly coordinator. Which meant I had to be up by nine or nine thirty. If he gets here at eleven, and things go the way I'd hoped and planned, we wouldn't be getting to sleep til about two.
"Umm...okay, eleven, my place."
"Brilliant. See you then."
My phone rang an hour later.
"It'll probably be about eleven thirty. Matthew and I have been waiting for his friends to arrive and they just got here. So eleven thirty?"
Matthew was the Londonder recently employed by Patrick's company. I know how much Patrick likes him, and I think with all that's been going on in London he misses "getting on," as he calls it, with someone from there. Seeing as though we were coming off a somewhat similar issue that caused a problem last week, I felt stuck. Get upset and demand we meet at ten-fiftenn or eleven and I might look demanding. So I just shut up, sucked it up and said, "Not a problem. Tell Matthew I said hello."
Patrick showed up at eleven thirty, buzzed but not drunk, and kissed me hello. Certainly buzzed enough to want to cut straight to the sex.
I wanted to, I really did. But I just didn't feel close to him at that moment. There was residual stuff left over from last week and a little that was bubbling up from tonight. I poured us a glass of wine and we settled in on my couch. We talked for a bit before he pulled my feet into his lap and rubbed them. Neither of us spoke.
"Remember how we said we'd tell each other when we thought things weren't working any more?" I said.
"I do." He wan't making eye contact with me. His hands slowed down and ceased to massage my feet.
"Do we need to talk?" I asked.
"I don't know. Do we?" he said.
"I think so. I just get the feeling that you and I are kind of slipping apart, you know?"
"How so?" he asked.
I started telling him about my concerns about our sex life. He agreed that things had definitely been different in that area. I thought he'd excuse it with his job and being tired. Which he did. But his other excuse was that he wasn't feeling as close to me as he did in the beginning of our relationship.
"It's not like I love you less. I guess that it's just...I don't know...."
"Like we want different things?"
"It's just been more...work lately. I know you've been dragging your feet living together. I didn't really mind because I always knew you loved me and things between us were good. But, yeah, it's just been harder lately, you and I."
He was right. That's exactly what I had been feeling. I didn't love him any less, or not want to be with him, or was bored or tired of him. I just felt like there was more maintencance involved.
"I feel like ever since you got promoted things have gotten tougher for us."
"But that's to be expected. I have so much more on my shoulders now. I have to..."
This was going to escalate, I could see it.
"Patrick..I'm not criticizing you for that. I get it. I don't want to sit here and make a list of who's responsible for what. Both of our workloads have tripled in the past three months. You travel, I travel. We're both tired a lot. You have more social obligations tied to your job and I do too. We're equal here."
"Okay. So...what next?"
"I think we need to figure out if we want the same thing."
"Meaning what? Marriage? Kids?"
"No...." Shit. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was pressuring him to propose. "I don't know if I want to get married or live together. But I do know I want to be with you. What I mean is..do we both care enough about each other and want to be with each other enough to make this work?"
"I told you, Mox, I don't love you less. I still feel the way I did about you three months ago. I'm just feeling stretched thin."
"Me too. But right now, at this point....this relationship isn't working."
I know people are going to slap their forhead and say, "Why did you say that?" But the simple answer is...I just felt like it had to be said.
"I agree." he said.
"Do you want to break-up?" I asked.
"No. But I don't think we can keep going the way we're going. Something's got to change."
"I think we should take a break. Not break-up. We both just have so many obligations right now that something's gotta give."
"And that something should be us?"
"Well, can you honestly say that you can push your job to two or three on your priority list? Think about it. If I say 'I wish you wouldn't hang out with work friends and clients so much' how would you feel?"
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes. I mean No. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I guess I think you just need ot get some stuff out of your system and get acclimated. And, to be honest, so do I."
I think he wanted to argue that point purely so he didn't come off as selfish or liek he had been thinkign the same exact thing. But, fuck it, at this point I can accept him wanting to be selfish for a while if it means staying with him in the long run.
"I think we just need to slow things down for now" he said.
"For how long?" I asked.
"I don't know."
So, here's how we left it. We haven't broken up. We agreed that we still wanted to see each other once or twice a week, and that we will. No, we're not seeing other people. That's not what this is about and never has been.
We both just need some room to breath.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: A Funk or a Fizzle?
DATE: 7/22/2005 08:59:00 AM
-----
BODY:
So, as I mentioned yesterday, the sex with Patrick hasn't been what it used to. be Which, I think, is to be expected. Peaks and valleys, highs and lows. But...is it a coincidence that it started when we started spending more and more evenings together?
We usually slept together (in the same bed, not just sex) 3-4 nights a week. Then for about 3 weeks it started getting up to 5 or 6 nights a week. 3 nights his place, 3 nights my place. I'd get to his place anywhere from 9-11, he'd get here any time after 10 and rarely before. He works til 7, goes to the gym/has a client dinner/goes out with friends then comes here. We hang out and talk, watch The Daily Show and then go to bed. The heat and humidity sure hasn't helped, either.
Don't get me wrong I'm not toally sex starved. We still have sex. But it's not the primal fucking from our early relationship. And it's certainly not as frequent. Now, we roll over onto each other around 6am and make sleepy-lazy love. No anticipation, no build up. It takes 20-30 minutes, we finish and then we take a shower. And that's when we wake up on time. If he gets up after 7 then there's no sex. For the record, he wakes up at 7 A LOT lately. I'm not taking that personally, though. I think he just assumes I understand his schedule and how tired he is, that I'll be there and we'll get to it eventually.
We haven't had any sex in almost a week. Definitely not since before last Friday. He called me at 3am last Saturay morning, piss drunk, wanting to come over. When he got here, as you can expect, he passed out. I had a game the next day so we parted ways at about 11. I told him that I was going to be out with friends that night and would call him later but likely wouldn't be stopping by.
"You're still mad at me..." he said.
"No, not really. I mean, I hate that you went to that party, but I'm just more upset at the fact that went knowing it hurt me. I just want to chill out for a couple days, focus on work and just ...I don't know...do my own thing."
"Yeah, that's probably for the best" he said.
On Monday he sent me a goofy e-card and I returned it with one just like it. Cute, innocent, light. Just our way of saying "I'm not mad, I still love you, I'm still thinking about you."
We've spoken each day on the phone updating each other in our daily goings on. We agreed to stay in tonight, get pizza and just relax. I have an event but plan on leaving early once things are settled and underway. No need to rehash what happened. It's over. I think we just got so used to having each other there that we took each other for granted.
But the other thing..and I just can't ignore this...is that our sex life definitely suffered when we started spending more nights together. I know it's to be expected. I get that. But I don't want that to be the case. I'm still thinking that living together is just not the way I want to go. You just get too comfortable with each other. By comfortable I mean that you just start taking each other for granted. At least that's how I look at it.
By not living together you're forced to make that effort to see each other. There's still that little bit of mystery around the relationship.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: S/He's All That..Or So S/He Thinks
DATE: 7/21/2005 08:11:00 AM
-----
BODY:
GOT A DATING/SEX RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
FLIRTING WORKSHOP
Next Flirting Workshop - Mon. July 25th in NYC - Click here for details.
"I just can't seem to meet anyone I click with."
I must hear that about fifty times a week.
"Well, why do you think that is?" I ask. Most of the time, I already know the answer:
They think that, if they go out with certain people, they're "dating down." They're constantly telling themselves that they can "do better."
Here's the thing....some of you? Won't. Not as long as you keep telling yourself that you're all that. That way of thinking just alienates people. They can feel it. They can sense when you're mentally sizing them up. If they have any self respect they'll walk away from you. Who the fuck wants to be judged by a total stranger? "So, where do you work? Have you ever been married? Where are you from?" Questions like those show no personal interest in the person. Especially if they're asked rapid fire, in succession. The "where do you work" question is a killer. This comes up all the time in my Flirting Workshops. Men and women both complain how they hate being asked that question right away. "My job doesn't define me" said Stephanie. "Show me that you're more creative. Be original." Hmmm...original. That would be refreshing, wouldn't it? Because NYC, for all of its reputed "flavor," is full of clones.
Let's clarify something, there's "assessing a situation" and "passing judgement." We all give someone the once over when we meet them. That's natural. We'll ask telling questions to gauge whether or not there are any commonalities or possibilities. It's not really what you ask that turns people off. It's HOW you ask it. We're a pretty evolved species. We know when someone is mocking us. We can tell when someone is putting us under their little mental microscope. It's bullshit and especially irritating when the people doing it are so obviously lacking themselves.
Guys require less to be impressed. "I just want someone who's hot and sweet" my friend Tom says. Tom, 38, is a handsome well built red head. A former CEO of a telemarketing firm. He's got the education, the money, the house, the car. All he wants is someone to join him. Month after month I introduce him to really cute, smart, successful women. And every time he blows them off. "What's wrong with her?" I ask when he once again tells me he's not interested. She's not "hot" enough, he says. Hey Tom...I love ya, I really do...but you're not Jon Stewart. You're personality? Is somewhat lacking. So...ummm..maybe you might want to consider not being so damn finicky.
Quite frankly...women in this city are even more delusional than men in regards to deserving better. Ladies, take a look around...you've got competition. A lot of it. And it's all in the form of that fresh-faced, tight assed, giggly, fun 26-year old that decorates every single bar in the city after work. Hot will only get you so far, save for the random doormat of a guy who just wants to have a trophy girlfriend or who has such low self esteem that they'll tolerate your nastiness. And those ridiculous expectations? Lose 'em. Nobody will meet all of them. And many of them are just rooted in insecurity and resentment. You had a lot of bad blind dates? You keep getting blown off by guys you meet online? GET OVER IT. Leave that at the door and stop making other guys pay for it. Battle scars do not make you more deserving.
"But I'm a great catch!" you say. Yeah, ya think? How so? Guys rattle off their bank balances, where they work, where they went to school and how they're hot, smart, funny, caring and giving. Women do the same. Well, let's drill down a bit here. Are you, like, Einstein smart...or "I got into AP English in high school" smart? Because Einsten smart is pretty rare. Honor Society smart? I can stand on Fifth Avenue and spit and hit a previous Honor Society member. In other words, lots of peopel are smart.
You say you're funny? Like...Vince Vaughn funny...or "my Mom tells me I'm funny" funny? 'Cause there's a difference. A big one. And funny? Is subjective. Just because you get the guys in the office rolling with your impressions of your boss doesn't mean you should be headlining at Stand Up NY. Oh, and note to those of you who consider Chandler Bing your hero...he was a basket case. He was funny in the "laughing on the outside, crying on the inside" kind. Not funny. At all.
Ohhh...so you're hot? Yeah. This one kills me. Because about half of you? Aren't. Like soooooooooooooooooo aren't. And in a city of models and actors...you're actually sort of, well, average. You might have the nice rack or the killer abs or the broad shoulders but you also have that raging ego that comes out when you're meeting members of the opposite sex. Or your looks are overshadowed by your very obvious sense of entitlement that's slowly morphing into bitterness. Hot is subjective. I, for one, don't find Brad Pitt hot. Owen Wilson? Is hot because he's well spoken and smart. Brad Pitt bores me. Jennifer Aniston bores me. Dennis Leary? Smokin' hot. Edward Norton pre-bloat? Totally hot.
Keep this in mind:
Looks? Fade.
Money? Never lasts. With the state our country is in, you could lose your job tomorrow.
Funny? Rent a movie. That quirky, sarcastic repartee you have with him/her can quickly turn into annoying, grating banter used to avoid real intimacy.
Great in bed? Okay, that's important. But that, too, wains. Just look at Jude Law and Sienna Miller. (And...oh yeah...me and Patrick. More on that later.)
As Balki on my favorite late 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers used to say, "Take a reality pill." NOBODY is the complete package.
"All that?" Is subjective and temporary.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Growing Pains
DATE: 7/19/2005 07:49:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Let me tell you......
Here's the mission of this blog.
It's not to promote a business, it's not to brag about my relationship, it's not to get attention. It's to lead by example. And by that I mean it's about being accountable, taking risks and being self-aware. Guys, I think it's obvious by now that I SUCK at relationships. I suck hard. I'm rigid, I'm stubborn, I'm afraid (have I forgotten anything?) But, man, I'm trying. I'm trying to fight my fears. I'm attempting to be more flexible. I'm working at becoming comfortable with needing and relying on someone. But above and beyond all of these things....I'm looking at myself and addressing the issues that need to be addressed. Sometimes it's ugly. Many times I shirk at them. If there is one goal, one main goal, to this blog it's this: "Identify your need or fear. Face it. Talk about it. Learn and Grow."
I'm growing up, guys. And just like when I was eleven I have little aches and pains to prove it.
I was recently interviewed by a reporter for an upcoming article on dating blogs. He asked me, "So...why do you do this? Why do you put your private life out there? Is it a voyeuristic thing? A vanity thing?"
"No" I said. "It's about encouraging a discussion. It's about sending a message. Our culture, our society, has changed. We have become a very closed off society. We've been spending a lot of time blaming various people and reasons for our inability (or lack of opportunity) to connect and commit. What we're not doing, that we need to do or else we'll never grow, is to be accountable for who and where we are in our lives. So many people want to settle down and get married. But how many of them really ask themselves 'Why?'" By the time they do, it's too late. Marriage doesn't serve the same purpose it did one hundred years ago, or even fifty years ago. We didn't evolve into the idea of marriage or monogamy. We were forced into it by fables and biblical tales and god knows how many stupid, narrow minded myths and urban legends. As a culture, we've changed. So doesn't it make sense that our idea of relationships should change as well? How can we expect to survive if we don't adapt to the obvious changes around us? For some people, the conventional idea of marriage works. And that's great. But it's not for everyone, not anymore."
My point? Leave your ideas and opinions of "traditional relationships" at the door when you come here. Let me be more clear...I don't want a "traditional relationship." For some people, traditional relationships don't exist. I don't know if marriage is for me. I'm less concerned about becoming a wife/mother than I am a worthy partner to someone. I'm less worried about how much time attention I get than the quality of the attention.
Another point? Some of you need to remove the chips from your shoulders. I know it would be much more enjoyable if we were all single and hating men/women and blaming them for our single status. Unfortunately some of the time that's due to our own ignorance, high expectations and lack of accountability. Some people should start taking that white hot glow of introspection they cast on me when they read each post and turn it on themselves. I may not be perfect. I may be demanding and overly analytical....but you know what? I'm a hell of a lot more honest with myself than some people. And I'm putting it out here - right or wrong, good or bad - because I want people to share their experiences and opinions so we can learn from each other and build an understanding.
I maintain this blog for one reason....to get people to communicate. To provide singles with a forum where they can understand each other and learn to speak to each other using the same language. If you haven't noticed...it's miscommunication that destroys many burgeoning relationships. The mixed messages and the failure (and fear) to talk about or verbalize what we want. Guys, I love the feedback. I ask for it not just because I think it will help me but because I think it can help other readers. I respect and admire the honesty, I really do. But I'm tired of the "helpful commentary" that's really just misplaced anger. It just doesn't serve a purpose. As a commenter recently said, really read the blog and make sure you know the full story before you jump to conclusions. Think it through. Process it. Then comment. Please. And really ask yourself why you feel the way you feel.
Some of you have so much insight when it comes to my relationships...but where is it when it comes time to evaluate some of yours? I put my ass out there because believe in the value of accountability. Of risk. I'm trying to practice what I preach.
Are you?
Okay...enough. I'm off my soap box and eating a Milky Way now.
Patrick and I took the weekend/week off from each other. We needed it. He needed it. I needed it. The pressure he and I individually and together have been ander is creating tiny cracks in the surface if our relationship. We've made plans for Friday night, just he an I, so we can regroup and just get back to where we were. Hopefully it works.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: So, Ummm, Yeah...
DATE: 7/16/2005 04:10:00 PM
-----
BODY:
I hauled my ass over to Patrick's last night after my non-event. (Movie tickets were sold out so we stayed atthe bar and drink $2 beers.) Patrick had decided to go to the Therese's party, using the "I'll look like a shit if I don't at least pop in" excuse.
So, at around 8:00 I walked into his lobby, waved at his doorman and got into the elevator. Beer is not my drink of choice and doesn't have much of an affect on me. Maybe gives me a tiny buzz but that's it.
Patrick looked surprised to see me when he opened the door. He had an open bottle of Heineken in his hand and the TV blared in the background. Voices and laughter came from his living room.
"Hello there!" he said and kissed me on the lips. "What are you doing here? I thought you had plans?"
"Movie was sold out. Stayed with everyone and had beers. Who's here?" I asked and looked over his shoulder.
"Just some people from work. A couple of guys. A few more people."
Those "few more people" were women from his office. I walked into his living room and waved hello at the crew. There was George on the couch sandwiched between two women. Another guy that I'd never met was fiddling with the TV remote control. George got up and kissed me hello and introduced me to Heather and Alicia (the two women sitting on the couch with him.) This caused the guy with the remote to turn, stand and come over to us. His name was Matthew and he had a British accent.
"Great to meet you" he said and shook my hand. "Heard quite a bit about you. You coming with?"
"Umm...I don't think so."
"Why not?" he said and took a swig of his beer.
"I don't think I'm invited."
George broke in and said, "Yeah, Therese said something about her apartment being small and not having a lot of room."
"That's such bullshit. She's so full of it" one of the girls on the couch piped in.
"She should have had it at Under The Volcano." That's the bar that Patrick and his co-workers frequent when they do happy hour. "It would have been so much easier instea dof making everyone come up town. This totally screws my Friday night."
Patrick walked intot he room with an extra beer for me. He and Matthew huddled over the remote flipping through channels. I think he was just happy to have a "countryman" to talk to. He sometimes complains about not having anyone to talk to about stuff from home.
"Did you meet Matthew?" he asked. "He just started last week. He's a bloke. Good man."
"Yeah, I met him. So....." I said, "What time is the party?"
"We have to be there by nine. Gary's getting there at 9:30." Patrick said.
"He doesn't suspect anything?" I said and looked at the George, then at the two girls on the couch. "Isn't it a little odd to have your boss over to your apartment?"
Alicia snorted and then snotted "Oh, he knows. We all know he knows, too. He's just going along with it because he knows Therese is so excited about it. So he's going to pretend to be surprised."
"Oh, come on now, don't give her any more ammunition" Patrick said and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "She's already pissed that I'm going without her."
Oh.No.He.Didn't. I forced a tight smile and looked at the ground. That was my clue to leave. I waited about 15 minutes, took a few sips of beer, made light small talk and then started making my way out.
"Well, okay guys, I have to run and meet some people. Have fun!" I said in my best fake chirpy voice. I shook everyone's hands and then turned to leave. Patrick walked behind, calling over his shoulder "I'll be back in a minute. Help yourself to more beer. It's in the refrigerator."
Once in the elevator, I glared at Patrick and shook my head.
"What? What? What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes wide and a smirk on his face.
"You didn't have to say that. They didn't need to know I didn't want you to go."
"Oh, come on. They don't care. "
"Patrick, I don't give a shit what they think. I can't believe you would say something like that. That embarrased me."
"Well if you don't care what they think then why be embarrassed?"
God damn it. I hate when he gets all logical.
"Because it's none of their business. Now you've made me look like the clingy girlfriend."
"They don't think that."
"NOT THE POINT!!! You shouldn't have said it. It's none of their businmess. And I thought we were meeting up later."
"We can. We are. We'll probably all go to Prohibition after the party. You can meet us there. About eleven or so? I'll call you when we're heading out."
"Oh, gee, thank you for giving me permission. Eleven? Fuck that, Patrick. I'm not going to go home and wait for you to tell me that the coast is clear."
"Then don't meet us. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here." He chuckled a bit and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
By now we were out on the street in front of his building. I've always seen those couples arguing on the sidewalk and thought, "Uggh....please. Keep your dirty laundry inside, will ya?" Now I was one of those people.
"I thought we were going to hang out, just you and me, tonight." I heard myself say it, but I couldn't believe it. Was I actually being whiny?
"I didn't think it mattered if we hung out alone or with them. Does it matter?"
"Well, yeah, kinda." I said.
"Why? What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is I don't feel like having to put on a happy face for them. It's fucking exhausting."
"Well, think about it as doing it for me then. Can you do that? Or is that too much to ask? I'd like it if you would try to get along with them."
"Why? Patrick, they're not my friends."
"Yes, but they're mine. It's an hour of your life, then we can leave."
"Yeah, and you were just going to 'pop' into this stupid party and 'show your face." I was finger quoting like crazy.
"Oh Christ, now we're back on this. I told you why I'm going. You heard them..." he said and pointed up to his building. "They don't want to go either. We're just making the best of it."
"And I told you that it hurt my feleings that you would go to a party where your girlfriend is excluded."
"Don't make it sound like it's personal, Moxie. It's not about you. Therese is a drama queen. We're going just to be polite."
"Patrick, I didn't think it was personal or about me. I just think it's rude. I never, ever ask you not to hang out with that crowd. I didn't make you leave the barbeque on Fourth of July, did I? Would it have killed you to say you couldn't make it? Would you have been fired? No. It sounds like the fucking guest of honor doesn't even want to be there."
"Well then why didn't you just ask me not to go?"
Wha-wha-WHAT??
"I did!"
"No you didn't. All you said was you were pissed that you weren't invited."
"..and that I didn't want you to go. Remember? We sat on the couch and I said 'Don't ask me for permission. You know how I feel. Either stop asking me and go knowing how I feel...or don't go.'"
Hah! Who's the logical one NOW?
"Moxie, you're making a big deal of nothing."
"Don't you dare put this on me. Don't.Don't make this into that whole "you're just being emotional" thing. It's disrespectful what this woman is doing, having this party and not allowing outside people. It's rude. It offendsme. And it offends me that you would disregard how I feel and go anyway just because you want to be The Cool Boss."
He looked across the street and watched some guy curb his dog. He was quiet. Then he said, "Look. I have them waiting for me upstairs. If I stay much longer they'll think something's up. I have to get back up there. I'll call you later, okay? Please let's just forget this for now, alright?"
"Why? So you can go to the party with a clear conscience? Not fucking likely. Thought you didn't care what they thought?" I asked.
"I have to work with them, Moxie. I DO care what they think. I don't want people whispering about how I was outside fighting with my girlfriend."
"You know what? Fuck it. Go out, go to the party. I don't have fucking patience for this tonight." I brushed passed him and went into the street to hail a cab. Patrick walked after me. As the taxi pulled up, Patrick opened the door for me. I threw myself in and closed the door. I gave the driver the directions and we drove off.
I didn't look back. Too tired, too angry, too pissed.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Hooking Up
DATE: 7/15/2005 06:54:00 AM
-----
BODY:
So, we watched this new ABC show last night called "Hooking Up." The series revolves around 11 single NYC women and their adventures with online dating.
You know what? It was an accurate look at what dating is like for women in this city. It was also an accurate portrayalof certain types of single women.
Let's start with Cynthia, the hair salon manager. Umm...Cynthia? Lighten up. Seriously. Yes, you're quite attractive. But you also radiate aggression and anger. Which is ironic since you say, in your ABC slideshow profile that you hate machismo. Baby, you are the female equivalent of machismo. Ball busting, confrontational and aggressive. Let's talk about that. Cosmo loves to quote men saying how they "love aggressive women." No they don't. They just want to sound secure. What they like is when women take the initiative while flirting, sending hints that they are interested and giving the green light for the guy to proceed. That, or, when a woman initiates casual sex. (Although, deep down, I think that too intimidates and scares men off.) Cynthia is going to need a very, very, VERY secure/confident guy if she plans on keeping her disposition as is. Which is ironic because extreme confidence is often confused for machismo or bravado. Which Cynthis hates. That's quite a paradox. Persoanlly, I got the impression that Cynthia resented men. (She admits on the show that her ex-husband "betrayed" her.) That would explain why she came off so sarcastic and...well. bitter. At one point, after she learns that a blind internet date lied about his age, Ms. Oh-No-He-DIDN'T runs to the bathroom to call a friend. She asks her friend to call the restaurant and page her so she can lie and say that a friend is in trouble and she needs to leave. For someone who loved to throw around her big brass balls, she sure acted cowardly. Right then and there I decided her "confidence" is an act. (Wait...isn't that the definition of machismo, too? Huh. What a coincidence.) Just say goodnight and end the date, Cynthia. You're a big girl now, remember?
Then there was Claire. Man, I loved this girl. She was so positive and engaging and genuine. So I was pissed when the guy from Match.com, whom she fell for after 1 date and came out to meet her friends on their 2nd date, dumped her via e-mail. Even though he aggressively made the firt move on their first date by making out with her while they sat listening to live music at a downtown bar. Typical "crash and burn" guy. Way into you at first, then freaks out and bails when he realizes he really likes the girl. Uh oh, Peter Pan. Looks like you might have to grow up! NYC should have an island called "Neverland" somwhere. That way we can ship all these manchilds there and get them out of circulation.
Next was Lisa. This woman, a gynecologist, irritated me. Not just because she reminded me of every irritating Pap Smear I've ever had, either. She lied about her name and occupation to a guy she met online...and carried on that lie through their first date. "If a guy finds out I'm a doctor, he'll be bringing an engagement ring with him on the first date." Yeah, ummm..Lisa? Something tells me you won't have to worry about that. You don't want to exchange last names with someone you met online? I get that. But, rather than LYING, howsabout you just say to the guy (or girl) "Hey, I'm not real comfortable giving out too much info to someone I haven't met. Think we can wait til we meet to exchange that sort of info?" You know...be honest? But instead, she chose to make it all about her. What SHE wanted and what SHE was comfortable with.
The WORST thing about her was how she refused to show him a pic of herself (even though she had seen one of him) before they met. "I don't want people to see my pic online" she said. Uggh..Lisa, just stay home. You want everyone to prove themselves to you without you having to do the same in return. That ain't how it works. You clearly refuse to take much, if any risks, so why bother trying to date?
Finally there was Amy. Let me start of by saying, she's very cute. But her profile pic looks nothing like what she looks like in real life. Same face, same features. But her pic makes her look much thinner than she really is. She's NOT heavy. She's curvy. But her pic makes her look slender.
Amy seems sweet, maybe a little too anxious to get involved with someone and settrle down. And, well, just the tiniest bit...crazy. Let's say she has "crazy potential." She told a guy, on their 2nd or 3rd date, that she takes Paxil for anxiety. Now, there's nothign wrong with that...but I would never TELL someone that that I just started dating. It's that "in a rush" mentality. Women want to settle down and get married and have kids right away, so it's liek they feel they should spill all of their secrets and expectations right up front to cut to the chase. Which, yeah, kinda scares guys. Amy started dating Chris, a professional poker player, who bought her a cake for her birthday (which also happened to be the same day as their first date.) He kept the cake at his place. Now, am I the only one who would be creeped out by that?? Isn't that a little...much? Chris gave me a bad vibe, and not just because he wore a turtleneck and a vest. He actually TOLD Amy that he had a date a few nights later. Then he cancelled that date at the last minute to be with Amy. He made sure to let Amy know that, too. Amy said something to the affect of, "Thank you for cancelling that date to hang out with me."
See... if that were me I'd find that a shitty, classless thing to do to someone. It would probabaly turn me off. But Amy wants to make babies so I guess anything goes.
I definitel reccomend watching this show. It's certainly an eye-opener.
Did anyone else see it?
WHETHER YOU SAW IT OR NOT - YOUR THOUGHTS?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Heartbreak
DATE: 7/13/2005 05:32:00 AM
-----
BODY:
GOT A DATING/SEX RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
Name: M
Age: 24
Question: Hi Moxie,
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months and am pretty destroyed. I literally had that lightening bolt moment for the first time in my life, thinking I would marry him. He was the first person I ever let anywhere near my heart. Things were rough at times but we got through them. Until I found out that he cheated on me, the day before my birthday. It had been going on for about 3 months, and I knew it. I didn't know the details but I was sure something was going on. He was pulling away and just being incredibly mean at times. I think it's best summed up when I say we had a borderline emotionally abusive relationship. As soon as I got fed up he would tell me that I was the love of his life and he would do anything to keep me. Like a fool, I believed him. In fact, for my birthday he flew across country to try and win me back (I had gone out of town with some friends for the weekend). He showed up, cried, literally begged on his hands and knees and told me that he was an i!
diot and he didn't want to lose me. I wanted to believe him so I did. I let him tell me these things and I fell completely back in love with him, harder than before. 2 days later he dumped me, saying he hadn't been in love with me for a long time. I am incredibly sad and hurt. I can not stop thinking about it and wake up crying the vast majority of mornings. It's been 3 weeks and it feels like it is only getting worse. And I still love him. Any suggestions for how to move on?
That sucks. I'm so sorry.
Yes, that's a textbook definition of an emotionally abusive relationship. Pushing you away then pulling you back in. Cheating, cheating the day before your birthday, no less.
But, let's forget about him for a second (well...forveer..he's a douche bag). Let's focus on you. I know that you're hurting and grieving the loss of the relationship. I sincerely sympathize for you. But you're somewhat responsible for what you're feeling right now. I know that when I've been in your shoes, one thing I always felt was regret and anger - at myself for not being the one to leave. Which just made me harder on myself. So, rather than trying to heal, I'd just punish myself for letting the guy back in. That just kept me in that dark place in my head. So, regain control of the situation by being accountable, admitting what you did wrong and figuring out why you did it.
"That doesn't sound like much fun," you say. "I want to talk about how he's an asshole and a jerk for hurting me." No question, he's an asshole. But he isn't my concern right now. You are. And that's what you should be thinking. Forget about the "why did he do it" "does he still love me" stuff. He did it because he's a selfish, potentially fucked-up guy. As far as him still loving you....baby, that ain't love. That's his version of love and it's twisted. You don't want that kind of love. So...
Why, if you intuitively knew he was cheating, did you stay with him? Why, when he would be mean to you, would you still stick around? THAT'S the root of this issue. I could give you all sorts of ideas and suggestion as to how to wash that man out of your hair, but unless you address and determine why you stayed in that relationship, you're going to end up right back here again. You want to move on? Start by figuring out what you found his behavior acceptable enough to have him in your life. Then allow yourself to be human and forgive yourself. There's no shame in loving someone. The shame is when that person takes advantage of your love.
I wish there were a quick fix for a broken heart. Unfortunately, there isn't. You just have to feel it wand walk though it. That way you can identify why the pain occurred, start the healing process and remember how it felt so that it never happens again.
In the interim:
-Talk to your friends about it. That's what friends are for. Talk till you're blue in the face.
-Do something good for yourself or that makes you happy.
-Plan a girl's night out or a party. Throw yourself into a project.
-Take a trip.
-Volunteer at the ASPCA. Take the love you have and give it to something that really deserves it.
You'll make it through. It may not feel like it right now, but you will.
Anyone else have suggestions or opinions?
GOT A DATING/SEX RELATED QUESTION?
Ask Moxie - Anonymously, of course.
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Permission
DATE: 7/12/2005 10:03:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Well, this was interesting.
Last night while Patrick and I watched TV, his phone rang. It was early, maybe 8:30 or so. We had been discussing the financial arrangements of living together so the call came at a rather innoportune time. Another of my big concerns about living together is sharing finances. Whjat if I can't pull my weight? Patrick said he planned on paying most of the rent/mortgage. Which then made me wonder if I could still keep my apartment as an office. That way, I'd be living with him but still have my own space. I was just about to suggest this when he got a call on his cell.
It was Theresa, a woman from Patrick's office. I could only hear Patricks' end of the conversation.
"Yeah. Ummm..okay. Yeah, I remember. I'll let you know. Thanks." He hung up the phone and tossed it on the table next to his couch.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"Theresa. She works for Gary." Gary was another VP in his company. I met her last week at the cook-out. Let's just say that she didn't wow me with her personality. But more than that, I got a bad vibe from her.
"Why's she calling now?"
"She's putting together a birthday thing for Gary on Friday at her place and wanted to see if I was coming. It's a surprise party."
"She's planning a surprise party with less than a week's notice. Good luck getting people to attend."
Patrick didn't say anything.
"I take it this is the first you heard about this?" I asked.
"No, she mentioned it last week at the barbeque."
Uh...and this is the first time I'm hearing about it because......?
"Oh...are you going?"
"I don't know. Maybe for a bit."
"Oh. Um...did you want me to go with you?"
Again, he said nothing.
"I think it's just for work people."
Now I said nothing. Gently, I thought to myself. Approach this topic gently.
"Well, that seems a bit rude, don't you think? Did she say it was just for work people?"
"She implied it. She didn't come out and say 'Don't bring your girlfriend' but I could tell that's where she was going. I won't go if you don't want me to."
Oh no, I thought. I'm not falling into that one.
"No, sure, go ahead if you want. I have plans to go to an early movie. I figured we'd just meet up after."
"I won't go if you don't want me to go."
"Patrick, if you want to go then go." Don't you dare go. Don't you DARE go. I mentally tried to will him with my eyes. I didn't like this girl. She seemed shady. And obviosuly a brown noser. Throwing a party for her boss? Kiss ass.
"Does this girl have a thing for you?" I asked.
"Not that I know of."
"Not that you would." That was something about Patrick I found sexy. He was humble. He's a decent looking guy, makes great money, definitely eye catching to some degree. Girls notice him, but he never notices them noticing him.
"You don't want me to go. I can tell" he said.
"Then if you can tell...why do you keep asking me? You know the answer, Patrick. You're not stupid. But your trying to manipulate me into giving you permisison. You just keep asking me because you want me to say 'Go.' That way I won't have any right to be upset and you'll have a clear conscience. So either stop asking me and don't go or go, knowing that it bothers me. You're a big boy."
Am I over reacting?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Dawson's Peak
DATE: 7/11/2005 07:45:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My softball team sat out at The Back Page for 5 HOURS last night drinking beers and talking.
One guy (let's call him Dawson, because he's the youngest on the team) told me of a recent hook-up he had with a girl he met in a bar.
"Did you sleep with her?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Was it any good?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess."
"Did she go down on you?"
"Yeah."
"And???"
"And what? It was okay. She did it, so that's a plus."
"Just okay?????? Dawson, what's the point of having sex if it isn't going to be great sex?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean...why waste your skills if you aren't sure it's going to be worth it?"
"Well, how was I supposed to know. It's not like you can tell if a girl's going to be great in bed before you actually get here there."
"Of course you can. Women know if a guy will be any good."
"They do?" He looked panicked.
"Oh, hell yes."
At my age, I can tell withing about 10 minutes if a guy is going to be a great lover. I don't know what it is, but I can sense a guy's primal side. Dawson had that potential. There was a naughty side to him that he just hadn't explored
Maybe I intentionally tap into it or bring it out sometimes because I'm outspoken and have a tendency to push certain guy's buttons. It all about their level of confidence.
If I was having this conversation last summer, I would have offered to tutor young Dawson. There's something appealing about the idea of being a sexual mentor. Showing him the difference between good sex and great sex. Pointing out good head from fantastic, grab at the sheets head. Educating him on what women really like and letting him in on our sexual fantasies. (Mine? Standing up, hands held dominantly over my head, my back pressed against the cold, crimson bricks of a darkened corner of my laundry room.)
But the real point in playing tutor? To help him recognize his own sexual potency so that he won't waste it on run of the mill hook-ups. I mean, why waste the skills? I've said it many times...I give amazing head. So good, in fact, that I refuse to waste it on someone that I think won't appreciate it.
It's funny..."great" sex at 23 is much different than "great" sex at 33. At 23, you're just happy to have it. You don't really know much more than the few basic positions, you're usually living with room mate and can't fuck on the coffee table or against the wall of the living room at a moment's notice. You haven't really made the connection between sexuality and sensuality. Great sex for me know is incorporating all of the senses. It's not just about getting off. Hearing the way Patrick grunts when he fucks me, feeling how hot his skin gets, kissing him and tasting the slightest hint of salt, smelling his har and a bare whiff of soap or cologne, watching his face twist when he climaxes or seeing his cum blast out of his cock and splatter on my skin. At 23, I'd never allow a guy to come on my breasts. But know? I sometimes beg for it. At 23 I felt shy about getting myself off in front of my boyfriend. Now? I love easing back, sliding my hand down inside my panties and flicking furiously at my clit while he watches. I can remember watching a porn with Stefan when we first started sleeping together. The girl in the video moved her body and writhed on screen and all you saw was her torso and the arch of her back. I begged Stefan to finger my clit while we watched it because it had me so aroused.
The two things that are essential for great sex are 1) Becoming comfortable with your body and 2)Embracing (and not judging) your sexual impulses. I just wasn't connected to my sexuality at 22. It wasn't until I learned how to give great head that I connected that feeling of power and seduction with all subsequent sexual experiences.
Guys - How can you tell if a woman will be great in bed?
Ladies - How can you tell if a guy is goign to be great in bed?
Guys/Ladies - How/When did you know you went from having okay sex to having GREAT sex? What made it great? What made it so-so?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Safety Net
DATE: 7/09/2005 03:27:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Feel free to leave feedback.
GOT A QUESTION? SUBMIT IT HERE:
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
Name: Cheated
Age: 22
Location: Dallas, Texas
Question: Dear Moxie,
What's your opinion on falling for a person who has fallen for someone else and that someone else is married?
The person I've fallen for has let me know they have feelings for me but can't act on them thanks to the married someone else.
I think it's ridiculous to start a relationship through cheating. I also think that regardless of how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind and heart..
SO what should I do? Keep being friends (as we are) with him and wait and see if the timing is right or leave it all and quit wasting my time on silly boys that waste their time on impossible dreams?
Okay...I'm an idiot. I totally misunderstood this young woman's letter. Let's start again:
So.....this guy you like...he says he has feelings for you but he also has feelings for someone married (also known as "unavailable") and has yet to really move forward with you because of this unavailable person? Am I cirrect. Yeah? Cool. Good. Let's proceed.
Honey, step away from this situation and look at it as an outside observer. You're available. She's not. He's choosing he non-available person.
Let's drill down even further. You don't have complications in your life, you are not obligated to anyone, thereby making getting involved with you far more simple and more appealing. Yet he's choosing the woman that provides difficulty, conflict and drama.
Bluntly put....he prefers her over you. Even with all of her complications. He has already chosen her over you. Period. Do you really want to be second best? Is that enough for you?
Fuck the "he's conflicted" bullshit. He's not conflicted. He's made his choice. And he's telling you that he has feeligns for you so you'll keep coming around and be in the background "in case." You're his "reserve" girl. You're his safety net, his air bag for when his relationship with the married gal blows up in his face. Oh...and it will.
Not to mention....do you really want someone who would get involved with someone who's married? That shows such a lack of character. A man with integrity would NEVER step in on another guy's lady. Ever. And guys who do? Disgust me and are ASKING for it to happen to them.
My advice? Get rid of him. No friends, no friends with benefits, nothing. He's stringing you along. If he really had feelings for you, he'd be with you. He's choosing someone he can't even fully have. In a sense, he's being HER second best. And all that says to me is he doesn't think enough of himself to begin with.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: I Think I'm Gonna Get Hate Mail....
DATE: 7/08/2005 07:16:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My first featured article is up. It made the front page of the website. Check it out and feel free to leave comments.
http://www.savvyinsider.com
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Tough Day
DATE: 7/07/2005 08:13:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Yesterday was horrific for Patrick. His Mom lives in London, if you recall, and he was unable to reach her until about 2pm our time. He left work early and came over here while I got ready for my event. I had a replacment i lined up in case he hadnm't heard anything by the tiem I was suppsoed to leave. I just couldn't leave him alone.
It was the first time I've seen him cry.
He checked in with his "mates" for most of the early afternoon via their mobiles. But his Mom doesn't have a cell phone, only a land line, and he couldn't get through to her all day. Nor could he get through to the office where she works.
Patrick went through every range of emotion every thirty minutes or so. He'd get a beep back on his Blackberry and get up from my couch and shout with relief.
"You're okay? You're sure? What about (insert family members names) Yeah? You sure? Okay. Glad to hear you. Thanks for calling."
A few times he'd turn to look out the window, almost like he didn't want me to hear him, and say "I love you" to his male friends.
When his Mom called, he just let loose. "Oh my God! Where are you? Are you safe? Damnit, get a cell phone! I'm buying you a god damn cell phone! Oh my God, you're sure you're okay? Do you want me to come home?"
He dropped the phone to his side and sobbed. I took the phone from his hand and got on the phone.
"Hi, it's Moxie. How are you?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Poor thing..he's such a wreck. Is he okay? Where is he?"
"He's right here" I said and kissed Patrick's shoulder. "He's fine. He's just relieved."
"Tell him I'm absolutely fine. I'm taking the rest of the week off and staying inside."
"Yep. Sounds familiar. You're sure you don't need anything."
"Tell him I don't need to worry about him flying over here on a plane and to stay put for now. He can visit in a few months when everything calms down. I've been through much worse, Moxie. But thank you for asking, luv. Just take care of him and make sure he gets some sleep. He called me early this morning so he must be knackered."
"Will do. Here's Patrick" I said and handed the phone back to him. Patrick cleared his throat and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
"Mum? Yeah, I'm just happy you're okay." His voice cracked again. "No, I'll be okay. Mum, I love you. You call me if you need anything, right?"
The phone wasn't out of his hand a few seconds before he grabbed me and hugged me. I rubbed his back for awhile and then he fell asleep on my bed. We took a nap together and then I left to go to my event.
The thing that sticks with me is this:
I had gotten my period (finally!) and was suffering horrific cramps and I knew I just wasn't pleasant to be around. So I decided to sleep at my place Wednesday night. At 2am, I awoke after a bad dream. A nightmare about a bomb that destroyed a row of houses on a street. (I swear on my life, that was the dream.) I called Patrick immediately, too scared to go back to sleep, and we talked until about 3am.
"I haven't spoken to my Mum in a week or so, I should call her before I fall back to sleep" Patrick said groggily. Turns out he did. It was about 8am London time and they spoke for a half hour or so.
Making her late to leave for work.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Attack
DATE: 7/07/2005 10:51:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Just wanted to say I'm praying for and thinking of the citizens of London, England. Be strong and please don't let your fear paralyze you. I'm so sorry for what happened this morning.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie - Oral Sex Tips
DATE: 7/06/2005 06:53:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Question: Moxie,
In the past I have not had such great sexual experiences, be it giving blow jobs, handjobs, or having sex. That said, I have just started seeing a great guy and I want it to be good with him. The thing is, I know a lot of it has to do with self-confidence. I feel like I have very little.
This stems from a past experience with a man who would laugh at my lack of, er, sexual experience. I know my new guy would never do that, but I am hesitant nonetheless.
Do you have any advice on how to get over this? And specifically, do you have a good technique on how to give a BJ?
Thnx,
Ducky
Lordy Loo...You bet I have some technique advice on how to give great head. If you read this post you'll pick up some great pointers.
But, above and beyond any technigue or trick that you can do, the main thing that will make you good at it is having the desire to do it. That comes from feeling confident in yourself, your sexuality and being comfortable with your lover.
Let's start with your new man. The first thing you need to do (which you've already done) is identify your need. That being a desire to give great head. NOW YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE THAT NEED TO YOUR GUY. Talk to him. Tell him why you're hesitant. More than likely he'll be sympathetic and will appreciate your desire to please him. If he doesn't, you may want to re-think being with him. So, now that he knows what you need, he can help. Ask him to encourage you when you're going down on him. Tel him you'd liek to hear it when you're pleasing him. Build up positive points of reference for yourself to refer back to so you can wipe out he negative connection you have to th act.
Keep something in mind....what you do is not as important as your willingness to do it. Guys just love getting head, so whether or not you perform like a porn star is secondary. They're just happy that you're there. Keep in mind that they LOVE it, SOMETIMES EVEN MORE THAN SEX. That's a powerful thing. You have the power to give him immense pleasure. You, Ducky. YOU. Look at how you took the time and had the balls to write this. You were self-aware enough to know what you needed. That's what sexual confidence is all about - Identifying your needs and Communicating them. Knowing what turns you on, makes you uncomfortable, gets you off....you've taken your inventory. Don't dismiss that. That's an important and ballsy step. As long as you remember to cover your teeth with your lips you're ten steps ahead of the game. The rest will come naturally as you get more relaxed with doing it.
After surveying guys for my upcoming Oral Sex workshop, the one thing they all felt was most important was that the women shouldn't wait to be asked to do it. Some guys feel bad if they have to request head. They want a woman to just go for it. Men want to be ravaged, too. They liek to feel desired just like we do.
You can use all of Jenna Jameson's favorite tricks, but if you don't genuinely want to be down there, it won't be any good for him. Guys can sense when a woman does it grudginly. That in turn just makes them feel self-conscious and tense.
You'll give great head because you want to. You wrote to me because you know you have the ability and the attitude to be sexually confident. You've already laid the groundwork. Now just talk to your man and let him help you. Ask for feedback, ask him to tell you what he likes. Information is power. And sexual confidence is all about power. Not power in the sense of dominance or force, but the power to please yourself and your partner.
Now, I KNOW some of my readers have suggestions and tips for Ducky....so come on people, help a sister out! Leave comments below.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: My Big Break
DATE: 7/06/2005 10:09:00 AM
-----
BODY:
So...you've heard of The Learning Annex, right? If you're a "Sex and the City" fan you might recall the episode where Carrie Bradshaw was asked to give a lecture on How To Meet Men. Ringing any bells?
Well....today I was asked by The Learning Annex to give a lecture on Flirting and Deciphering DateSpeak. If you can't tell, or aren't familiar with this whole scene, getting asked to teach a class by the Learning Annex is a Big Deal. Actually, it's kinda huge (at least in my field.)
So...yay me!
ETA:
And....I just worked a deal with a great new singles/dating related website, www.SavvyInsider.com, to be one of their Featured Columnists. Look for my first article this Friday!
ETA AGAIN:
Here's an e-mail I just got:
"I am so fucking proud of you! You're going to get so much press and publicity out of this. What did Patrick say? Is he okay with being fodder for some of your writing?"
Oh...yeah...that. In my euphoria for getting this invite from The Learning Annex and the Featured Columnist spot, I guess I didn't understand the scope of the promotion that will be around all of that. Potentially my picture in their catalog and on their websites, my bio out there for people to read, website URL's and addresses. There are Learning Annex catalog kiosks at every freakin' corner of this city. Of course, I could also get zero publicity and no one will be the wiser and I'm just having delusions of grandeur.
Shit...now what? Patrick might abide by his promise not to read this, but who knows who might see it?
Should I just bite the bullet and have Patrick read this blog?
Should I just delete certain posts (which kind of makes me feel compromised.)
Should I ask him to continue not reading the blog, taking a chance that no one will put two and two together and spill the proverbial beans?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ask Moxie -Shedding the Armor
DATE: 7/05/2005 10:10:00 AM
-----
BODY:
FEEDBACK WELCOME - LEAVE ANONYMOUS COMMENTS BELOW
Just click the "Comments" Link.
Name: jj
Age: 28
Location: NYC
Question: After years of analyzing relationships that have gone nowhere I've come to a conclusion. That is that I'm actually afraid of a real relationship. When I was about 20 I was in a relationship that I pretty much gave my all. I wasn't in love but I did make him the center of my universe. Well, we all know the folly in that. I ended up getting burned. He cheated on me and now I have a hard time trusting guys. Truth be told I had a hard time trusting anyone before that, making the betrayal that much worse.
So my question: how do I unload this baggage and stop chasing guys who are not interested, not in the same state or same part of the country, and even guys with terminal illnesses? Oh and to add to this problem I love sex. So I have a tendency to uhm let's say "go to bed early" a lot. I know it's part of my armor and I'm trying to work on that part. But damn sometimes I just want to get laid!
Anyway, any help would be welcomed. I'm even willing to do some 12-step program if need be. I just don't want to end up with a bunch of cats by myself.
It's funny....I think writing helps people really identify and clarify their questions and confusions. JJ - It sounds to me like you know what you have to do for yourself. You have identified your trust issues and admitted to using sexuality as armor. You know that you are pursuing guys who are unavailable. Preaching to the choir, sister. The question is...what are you going to do about it? You've stated the problem, now we need to find a resolution. The first thing I'd suggest is therapy. We all, at one time or another, need it. Trust issues stem from somewhere or something and a good therapist will help you find that source. If you can't afford therapy, try a support group that's run by a clinical therapist or accredited analyst. There's a lot of power in connecting with others who share your similiar plight. You feel less alone and go on to feel "understood" which helps keeps the lonliness at bay. The lonliness which probably serves as a catapult for your other behaviors. There are many online chat "support groups" as well...although I don't like the idea of people confessing secrets to anonymous people online, so make sure it's a reputable group. Maybe even Co-Dependant's Anonymous. But know this...you can not solve this on your own, at least not effectively. GO TALK TO SOMEONE - A PROFESSIONAL.
Because I'm NOT a therapist, I can't say definitively from where your concerns stem. But I'll venture a guess it's a desre to connect with someone, somehow. There are a lot of ways to do that that don't require hitting the sheets. Join a book club, volunteer at the ASPCA...do something that gets you involved and interacting with people. Get out of your head space. Focus on building any type of healthy, respectful relationship (platonic) that you can. Lonliness sucks, I know. I hate to hear people say how lonely they are because I know how alienated they must feel.
And, please, don't use the "I like sex" excuse. It really is an excuse, isn't it? An excuse to have someone lie next to you for a little while and hold you. The orgasm is sort of secondary (and not even guaranteed.) Yeah, we get horny...but you're adult enough to know how casual sex makes you feel after. Empty. Alone. Which is kind of where you were to begin with, right? The cycle will just continue.
Let me know how things progess...good luck. I'm on your side.
Readers...care to help JJ Out? Your thoughts? Feel free ot leave feedback.
GOT A QUESTION? SUBMIT IT HERE:
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: 3 Full Days And....
DATE: 7/04/2005 03:25:00 PM
-----
BODY:
We spent the whole weekend plus today together. I've taken breaks to do work and make phone calls while he goes to the gym but it's still not enough. Not horrible, bot not great. I definitely need to adjust to spending 72 straight hours with him. Normally we have work (as in Patrick going to his office) to serve as a buffer. I found myself getting a bit testy from time to time. I remedied that by heading outside to have a smoke and calling my friend Karen. I sat there on the marble steps of his building, puffing away and yapping about Tom Cruise, Britney, work and the like. That phone conversation was a "signifigant other free zone." Karen didn't mention her husband, I didn't mention Patrick. The kicker came today when we headed over to one of his co-workers apartments for a Fourth of July Party. I had to leave early or else I was going to snap.
"Call me when you get home and I'll come over" I said as he walked me downstairs.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Fine. Fine. Just tired and have some stuff to get done."
"You don't want to stay?"
"No. I really just want to go home for a while."
"Why? Aren't you having fun?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
Where should I start? His co-workers are mostly guys with vapid, boring trophy girlfriends incapable of carrying on a conversation without pouring another cocktail or looking around the room for their boyfriends. Can't blame them. Patrick has told me stories of some of their indiscretions. You'd think guys with hot as hell girlfriends would appreciate what they have. Granted, I'm assuming that what these girls lack in personality they make up for in heart. They better because...DAMN.
One girlfriend was a bartender at a popular celebrity owned bar downtown. She was thin, tanned, blonde and beautiful. Of course she was also bitchy, bland and boring. I think she kept hoping P-Diddy or Lindsey Lohan would show up. Her responses to my questions and conversation couldn't have been more forced.
Another was an actress who chatted incessantly about a soap audition that she was sure she "nailed." I nodded and listened, throwing in a few names here and there and going along with the conversation. I made the mistake of asking her to point out her boyfriend. As she scanned the room she saw him doing shots with the aforementioned bartender. She left my side quickly and stomped over to him and made some excuse of needing him to help her in the kitchen. Good one.
Then there was one wife who worked for an investment bank. She looked down her Columbia-educated nose at me and asked, "So..what is it you do again? You're a matchmaker? Did you go to school for that?" I smiled and made polite conversation, recalling the story Patrick told me of her husband getting head in the back of a town car from a girl while they were in Chicago a few weeks ago. I may not be Ivy League, I though silently, but at least my man doesn't get blown by cocktail waitresses as soon as he gets a night away from me.
There was also a few single people in the group. Funny, I think I felt most at home with them. They were leaving to go to a bar party downtown and I really wanted to go with them. They, too, were unhappy with the remaining crowd of guests. They didn't feel comfortable getting drunk in front of their bosses and couldn't cut loose.
Patrick walked me down to street level. His white shirt, untucked from his jeans, had a ketchup stain on the tail. Even unkempt he was still so damn sexy.
"Are you mad?" he asked.
"I'm not mad, I'm just not having fun."
"Really...why not?"
"I'm just not. Patrick, look around. I don't think any of those women are having fun."
"I think they got here with a hair across their ass."
"Even more reason why I don't want to be around them. It's just not a good vibe up there."
"Okay. Do you want me to come with you?"
"NO!"
I think I said it a little too forcefully because he laughed and said, "Ahhh...you're cranky. Sick of me already?"
"No..not at all...I'm just...sick of those people and just need a couple hours by myself." That was a little white lie. I kinda was sick of him, just a bit. And, while he didn't say it, I think he was a bit sick of me too. Not in a bad way. Just in a "I want to get drunk and smoke cigars and curse and be a guy" way.
The last three days had actually been pretty enjoyable, now that I think back. We got up early Saturday and went to a 10:30am screening of "War of the Worlds" (seriously, the best way to see a movie here in NYC) and then had lunch. The afternoon was quiet. I worked, he went to the gym and then came home and made dinner and then we watched movies. Sunday we went for brunch and went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Bloomingdale's. (He shops for clothes more than I do!) I'm not complaining, because he footed a $200 shopping bill for me. Then we went food shopping and headed home. He left to work out and I surfed the net and caught up on phone calls. We cooked steaks and had Tater Tots, watched HBO and just chilled.
So, here I am. I needed a break. I don't know if I would have been so restless had we not gone to that party this afternoon or not, though.
Your thoughts?
GOT A QUESTION? SUBMIT IT HERE:
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Hey Nineteen....
DATE: 7/03/2005 08:36:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Dear Moxie:
Hi there Moxie! I love reading your blog, and I'm glad you've decided to
give this advice thing a swing.
I recently hooked up with a friend of a friend. At the time I assumed it was
simply a one night stand kind of thing and nothing more. But as time has
progressed I've found myself interested in further encounters with this
friend of a friend, and have heard through the grapevine he is as well.
I'm not sure how to go about starting up a conversation with him about where
he wants this to go. He's moving to NYC in a month, so whatever might happen
would be short-lived. I want to be casual about it, but I'm unsure of how to
bring it up without creating akwardness.
Any sugguestions are greatly appriciated!
Jill, 18
Wow...18. Really? I have to admit that offering my opinion on this feels a little bit wrong. I have a niece who's 18 and if she told me about hooking up with some guy for a one night stand I'd be pretty uncomfortable and scared for her. Clearly, I'm not a prude, but I do think that casual sex at 18 (and if it wasn't sex as in "intercourse" please correct me) is really frightening. Hell, it's scary at 28! I'm not going to lecture you about disease and pregnancy. Now a days, 18 year olds have so much more info at their disposal than they did when I was 18. You know the risks, you know the precautions to take. If you don't, learn them..FAST. Go to www.WebMd.com or www.iVillage.com for some informative articles on STD's and birth control. I'm not placing judgement here, please know that, but I just can't advocate casual sex at 18. Whether it's just a handjob, a blowjob or actual penetration. Sorry, can't do it.
This is a pretty mature subject. So I'm going to "speak" to you as a peer.
That being said...you've answered your own question. He's leaving in a month. Unless you want to try and develop a romantic relationship with him (which will be difficult, maybe even impossible, if you slept with him before establishing any sort of emotional connection) then write him off. The "tell" that he's probably not worth pursuing is that you had to hear from a friend that this guy was potentially interested. Did he lose his tongue? Why should you be the one to broach this discussion? This situation has already been pretty effortless for him. (See...here's where I talk to you like you were 30 years old. Fun, ain't it?) You gave him sex or some sort with no strings attached. What guy wouldn't be interested in another go round? Don't be fooled by your friend telling you that this guy has a mutual interest. The guy you hung out with is leaving in a month...I can state with probably 95% certainty he wasn't looking for a girlfriend (and if he's going off to college? Then he definitely wasn't looking for a girlfriend.)
Now, is it possible he has feelings for you? Sure...it's also possible that you'll win the lottery. There's a chance but the odds are against you. Forget all those sappy stories in Cosmo about the girl who met a guy at a bar during Spring Break, slept with him and then they became pen pals and then he moved to her hometown and got a job and they got married. Fiction. Exception to the rule.
Even if all you're interested in is a casual hook-up, I'd say don't do it. Not worth the aggravation. If he wanted it bad enough, he'd have found a way to contact you. You'll just get more invested and his leaving will make it worse because he'll move away and move on.
I'm not trying to be dissmissive, it's just that it takes a certain kind of emotional maturity and nerves of steel to have emotionless sex. With all due respect, I don't think an 18 year old posesses that kind of emotional maturity. Women and men in their 20's and 30's have a hard time dealing with it, so I can only imagine that it's ten times as confusing at 18. Casual sex is something you have to be really, really, REALLY sure you want. Many of us kid ourselves all the time that we just want to get laid and nothing more but in many cases what we're really looking for is comfort, affection, attention, control...all things that, if we end up getting dissed and dismissed after, just make us feel worse.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my niece and make sure she's still a virgin.
Good Luck..and please know that I'm on your side. Feel free to e-mail me if you wan to talk further.
DISCLAIMER: Let me repeat..I am not a clinical or certified analyst/therapist. This is just MY OPINION.
Readers...care to help Jill Out? Feel free ot leave feedback.
GOT A QUESTION? SUBMIT IT HERE:
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/id75.html
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Good Advice
DATE: 7/01/2005 07:42:00 AM
-----
BODY:
I was a bit of a bad girl night. My friend Brian and I hung out after my Lock & Key party last night and got way more drunk than I had planned. I had asked to have Thursday "for myself" which worked well with Patrick's plan since he was going to be out with co-workers most of the night. Patrick had taken his staff out for Pre-Fourth happy hour, so at least he wasn't home waiting for me to arrive.
Home. What will be my home for the next 6 days. Of course, I'll come across town to work from here during the day. Kind of like commuting.
Guys, I have to be honest. I'm sort of dreading it. I like having my own space. I NEED my own space.
ON ANOTHER NOTE....
I've been asked to do a regular "advice" type section of this blog. What do you think? Howsabout we give it a trial run? Just shoot an e-mail to MoxieBlog@moxieinthecity.net and ask me your DATING/SEX/RELATIONSHIP/COMMUNICATION related questions. Just please make sure to include your age and city. You can use an alias if you like. Contact/ID info would never be shared or accessible to anyone.
Hmmm..I kinda like this idea. Just keep in mind that I'm going to give more of an "opinion" than clinical advice.
Okay...ask away!
Send your questions to - MoxieBlog@moxieinthecity.net
ETA:
DClegal wrote the following:
Hey Moxie,
I really enjoy reading your stories and this is one of my favorite
sites! That being said, I don't think you're in position to give
relationship advice - I think you might be in need of some yourself!
I'm not an expert AT ALL, but it seems like Patrick is an amazingly
mature and stable man who is happy in a loving and committed
relationship. You on the other hand are always freaking out and I'm
not sure you are aware of what a wonderful partner you have in him.
I hope this next week goes really well for both of you, and it will
if you just allow it to.Being a single girl myself, I completely understand the need for "me time" but your relationship is at the point where you need to
consider not just your feelings, but also his. I think you should
grow up and take the next step. Good luck, I'm rooting for you.
Wow...you are? 'Cause it doesn't really sound like it. It sounds like you've read a month or so worth of posts and believe you know exactly how our relationship has progressed. It sounds like you think I should be conforming to your idea of what a relationship should be and if I don't then I'm a bad girlfriend. It sounds like you think I'm oblivious to the fact that I have a great guy and a solid relationship. (I'm sorry, but HOW MANY time have I mentioned how fortunate I am? How many things have I done for Patrick? How many times have I compromised?)
I'm immature because I don't want to live with him? Why...because that's something you want for yourself and therefore think everyone should want it? By your definition, I should throw away my personal beliefs (I don't believe in living together unless I'm engaged) as well as my own personal comfort level (it's been 6 months, no six years...what's the rush?) just to demonstrate to Patrick that I love him. Relationships don't have to fit into a cookie cutter mold to be "good."
Read the whole blog, start to finish, and then feel free to pass judgement and make asessments.
As for the advice giving, please also note how I said that it shouldn't be considered advice but rather my opinion.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Games People Play
DATE: 6/29/2005 10:15:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Classic tale of a woman who is too available, too soon. Read the comments and read my post, then feel free to comment.
Sigh...now I know how Christina Aquilera felt when she heard Britney was the one to propose to Kevin Federline and bought her own engagement ring.
"That girl will never learn."
Jesse Says:
Any guy who spends a whole weekend with a woman (on a first date) is a freak. Sorry ladies, but it's true. Even when we meet the women of our dreams, we still don't want to spend three days with her in a row. The guy was just investing (accruing time points) so he could sleep with her. And, not for anything, but she made the classic mistake of being too available, too soon. Did she have nothing better to do or no one else to hang out with? Yeah, guys LOVE chicks like that. The ones who make them the focus of their whole life."
Unfortunately, I think Jesse has a point. There IS a certain level of gamesmanship when it comes to dating. The three day rule, not taking a last minute date offer, waiting a day to call someone back, etc. The question is...was it ALWAYS like this? Did Lancelot make Guenivere wait three days before he sent one of his page's to her
with a note that said simply, "'Sup?" If Pocahontas put out on the first date, would John Smith still have fallen in love with her?
To me, believe it or not, there is a need for gamesmanship in the early stages of dating. (NOTE: Notice I said "early stages of dating.") I'm not sure how much these games are played to establish power or control as they are to create a sense of intrigue. The more you think you might not be able to get something, the more you want it. Which then just increases the attraction. Then, once the attraction has been established as being mutual, the guard comes down a bit and you each let the other person into your lives. Dating IS a chase of sorts. It is a sport. And in sports, you never let your opponent know your strategy. Or your weaknesses. You never want your opponent to get in your head. Isn't that the same for dating? Once we start getting psyched out, we over analyze and over think until we've talked ourselves into being turned off. Or, worse, we become clingy and needy because we worry that the other person is slipping away.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: As If Yesterday Wasn't Enough......
DATE: 6/28/2005 10:02:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Patrick fell asleep watching "The Daily Show" while lying in my bed. We had a long night and he dealt with a rather shady broker. She showed him a place that was a)totally out of his price range and b)was nothing like he asked for.
I was having a chocolate craving and asked if we could stop at the local Duane Reade on our way home so I could pick up a Snickers bar.
"Uh oh.I know what that means. You're not going to make me buy a box of tampons as well, are you?"
Which reminded me....shouldn't I have had my period by now? I did my menses math in my head and calculated that I was roughly a week late. The next image that flashed in my head was how Patrick and I had unprotected sex last week.
Stress, I thought to myself, stress. Family in town, work tripling in business. Stress. Even still I made my way to the pregnancy test aisle and picked up a kit.
Patrick headed to the front to get my candy bar and a pack of cigarettes, thinking I was just going to the back to get my Prilosec for my stomach. My intention was to buy the test at at the pharmacy and stuff it into my bag before Patrick was done. But the cashier behind the counter was not on the same page. The scanner wasn't working. I turned to see Patrick walking towards me swinging his bag of purchases.
"Look! I got ya the King Size Snickers!" He was so proud of himself. He held the almost foot long treat in his hand and waved it at me. "You ready?" he asked.
"Just waiting for a price check. I'll be right there." I said, hoping he'd just wait for me outside.
You'd think that the young woman ringing me up would be discreet enough to just page her manager and ask him for help. Oh no, that's asking too much.
"Jimmy! Jimmy! How much are the EPT Clarity tests?" Jimmy, who looked about as thrilled to be there as I was, stopped stocking shelves to come over for a price check. Patrick looked confused.
"Is that for you?" he asked and pointed at the small square package in the cashier's hand.
"Yep. But don't worry. I'm sure it's just stress."
A starnge look crossed his face. Was that worry I saw? Or tension? He leaned up against the counter and waited as Jimmy rang me up.
When we got back to my place, I took the test. The usually composed Patrick was jittery. As a matter of fact, he was down right distant. I had thought he'd be more affectionate or supportive or something.
Not Pregnant.
"Thank Christ" he said and took a drag on his cigarette.
Later, while we ate, I asked him if he wanted kids. Figured it was an appropriate tiem to broach the subject.
"Not sure. You?"
"Not sure. With the right guy I guess. There's never a "right" time though, you know?" I said.
More chewing.
"You don't want kids, do you?" I asked.
He laughed and said, "I just answered you. I don't know. Maybe. Eat your chinese food."
Wow...how unusually evasive of him. Now that I think of it, he's been looking for a one bedroom apartment to buy. Not a two bedroom. I dropped the issue and changed the subject.
Thing is...I'm not sure if I want kids, either. I guess if I were set on it then I'd be more concerned. I was just surprised as I always assumed that Patrick wanted kids.
It's not a concern for me right now, though. Right now I'm just concentrating on not getting claustrophobic when I "move in" to his place next week.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Baby Steps
DATE: 6/28/2005 10:34:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Meeting my family must have made Patrick feel extra ballsy because he brought up the subject of living togetehr again this morning.
To his credit, he had pretty much dropped the issue for the past 2 months. But, with out 6 month anniversary coming up, I can see why he thought maybe now was the time to broach the subject. He mentioned it casually this mornign while he was shaving. We have a ritual now where, in the morning, I sit on the toilet seat sipping coffee while he lathers up.
"I'm going to be looking at a place in Chelsea tonght after work. Want to join me?"
"For what?" I asked, wiping a dollop of shaving cream off his arm.
"So you can give me your opinion."
"I'm not buying the place. What do you need me for?"
He dropped his knuckles down on the porcelin and swished his razor in the sink.
"Because 6 months from now I don't want to hear you complain about not having enough closet space."
I could have smiled and giggled and changed the subject. Or I could tell him exactly what was on my mind. I chose the latter. Avoiding the topic wouldn't help us in the long run.
"I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet.I'm not sure if that's what I want."
He just kept shaving, not looking at me.
"Please don't be mad. I love that you want to take that step. I do. I just don't know if that's something I really want right now. Things are going so well, you know? It seems too soon to be talking about this."
He wiped his face with a hot face cloth and then threw it over the rack underneath the mirror.
"Nobody said you had to live there right away. But if I buy a place I don't plan on selling it two years from now because you don't like it. I'm just trying to give you a say because I don't want to have to hear about it in the future."
"And you see me in your future?"
"Yes."
"So you're okay with us not living together?"
"For now, yeah. I can see why you're iffy. But if you don't think you'll ever want to live together then just say that and I won't ask you to come along."
"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that - for right now - it's not what I think is best for me."
"And what about what's best for me?" he asked.
"I think it's what is best for both of us. I just don't jump into things like you do. I've lived on my own for along time. How do I know you'll even like living with me?"
"I don't know that. You're right. But how could I? We only spend about three or four nights a week together."
He was right. Here was where I needed to compromise a bit and show him I was willing to to take a risk.
"Tell you what....I'll come look at the space with you tonight. And how about next week I live here, with you, for the whole week? Maybe we should start trying it like that? A week a month where I stay here?"
"Are you trying to stall me?"
"No...I'm trying to keep you. I've never lived with anyone before. If I just jump in headfirst I don't know how easy it will be for me. Baby steps. Okay?"
"Okay. Starting when?"
"Starting Friday."
"Deal."
What did I just get myself in to?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Online Dating Dilemma - Part Two
DATE: 6/27/2005 10:35:00 AM
-----
BODY:
READ PART ONE HERE FIRST -
http://sexandmoxie.blogspot.com/2005/06/another-online-dating-dilemma.html
"Hi Moxie,
Thought I'd update you on what happened with that guy from Nerve.com. He just sent me an e-mail. Here's what it said (i'm cutting and pasting it):
"Hi (name deleted)....Sorry to have confused you. I am not interested in this going any further, casual or not. I've just got too many things going on right now. You're a really nice person and I must admit to being intrigued about your proposition but, alas, I will never know and that, I guess, is life.
Be well,
(name deleted)"
Whatever. His loss. I met someone else at a birthday party this weekend and he's already called me to hang out this week. Thanks for your feedback and tell your readers I said "Thank you!"
What a douche bag. He suddenly got overwhelmed with stuff? That is such bullshit. I'm beginning to think the commenter who said that this guy just wanted to get laid that night and then lost interest when he didn't was right on the money. What was the point in making out with her if he "had so many things going on?" Why go out with her to begin with?
Guys (and ladies)...just be honest with people. It's perfectly okay not to be interested in someone. By now, especially once you've hit 27 or so, if your date doesn't mention or hint at talking/seeing each other again at the end of the night (and it's a first date) then they're probably not interested. That's sort of a non-verbal admission of things not working out. We're all adult enough to read between the lines. The trouble comes in when people cross those lines with behavior and actions that contradict how things really are. Yeah, you want to be nice and you want to be able to walk away without feeling like you've hurt their feelings. I get that. But you're really just thinkign of yourself in those situations. It's not a crime to not have chemistry with someone or be irritated with certain personality traits. You're allowed to have "your type." But it ain't all about you, you know?
This guy is a classic example. To make an effort to pull her over to the side of the street and kiss her AND THEN give her the "I've got a lot on my plate" line? Yeah, that's bullshit.
Guys wonder why women flip out and get all pissed off at them. You want to know how to avoid mixed messages and confrontations? Be honest. Just BE HONEST. If you just want to get laid or have a casual hook-up, then the same rules apply. Women can handle that. What we don't like is the guessing games.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Puppies, Puppies, Puppies
DATE: 6/26/2005 01:27:00 PM
-----
BODY:
For all the worrying and anxiety I had, this weekend went off without a hitch. Ad we drove down the highway we passed a pet store in Jersey. The big sign out front said only "Puppies! Puppies! Puppies!" We decided that would be our catch phrase signal for the day. If one of us were in an uncomfortable situation, we'd start telling that story and/or use the phrase "Puppies!Puppies!Puppies!" if we wanted to exit a conversation or situation.
Patrick fit right in with everyone. Talking and laughing, smoking an cigar with my cousins and brother-in-law. He's a "guy's guy" so he can pretty much adapt well to situations such as this. I saw him talking one on one with my sister's husband and imagined that my brother in law was giving him a "lay of the land" sort of speech about what my family was like. Who to avoid, what not to bring up, who drinks, who doesn't. Who doesn't like whom. Who the heavy drinkers were (for the record, most of them) and who were "dry."
Two of my sisters and 3 of my nieces flocked around me as I ate my steak tips, tossing question after question at me...
"So, do you think you'll marry him?"
"How old is he?"
"Does he want kids?"
"Would you move back to Boston?"
"Are you two living together?"
"What are his intentions?"
I tried to answer as many questions as I could.
"I don't know if I'll marry him. He's almost 37. I don't know if he wants kids. No I will not move back t Boston and No we do not live together."
I just wanted to enjoy my meal. Unfortunately, I felt my acid reflux kick in.
"What do you mean you don't know if you'll marry him? Don't you want to be married?" my sister Denise asked. She was married at 19....by choice, no less, and was still married today with three daughters. Her husband does extremely well and financially they're pretty well off. She'd also be screwed if he ever left her as she's never lived on her own or had to pay even so much as a cable bill on her own. So the idea of a 36 year old woman living on her own is not only foreign to her, it's insane. To her, women are put on this earth to be wives and mothers.
My other sister, Trisha, jumped in to defend me. "She has plenty of time to decide if she wants to settle down." Trisha had been married for close to twenty years when her husband died, leaving her to raise her four kids on her own. She's been dating the same guy for a year and claims she will never marry again, even though she loves her boyfriend and he was crazy about her. She even still wears her wedding band and engagement ring on her left index finger. They live in separate houses and, when the boyfriend spends the night, they sleep on the fold out couch in the living room. Her kids are fine with her dating again, but refuse to allow the new guy to sleep in their deceased father's bed.
"Well, she doesn't have a lot of time left to have kids."
I tuned out their chatter and looked across the yard at Patrick. There he stood scratching his elbow and laughing, having a beer with my cousin. I was able to catch his eye for a moment and he smiled at me and waved. I waved back and pointed to the driveway and mimicked smoking a cigarette. He got the hint.
He met me at the grill and took my hand.
"Puppies?" he asked.
"Puppies. Puppies puppies puppies." I answered.
He took out his lighter and lit my cigarette for me.
"You're holding up well" he said.
"So far."
"What were you all talking about?"
"I wasn't talking much. They were asking me all sorts of questions."
"Like...?"
I didn't want to get into it. Not just because it could end up being an awkward conversation for us, but because I just didn't have the fucking energy.
"Just...stuff. Would I move to Boston, how's my job..."
"When are you going to get married and have kids?" he offered.
"That too."
He smiled and took a drag of his cigarette. "Yeah, your brother in law told me that was probably what was going on over there."
"Well, don't worry, I dodged those bullets."
"Oh, I have no doubt."
We stubbed out our butts and walked back to the party. Patrick offered to get me some shortcake and suggested I grab a seat for us. I watched him joke good naturedly with my uncle and help my cousin's daughter scoop out the chocolate parfait she wanted into her plate.
It was growing dark and all through the grass you could see the sparks from the fireflies buzzing about. Some of the smaller children were crawling on the ground trying to catch the bugs in clear plastic cups so they could see the blinks of light the bugs made. Patrick saw this and put our plates down on the table. He grabbed a now empty mayonnaise bottle and brought it over to the hose to wash it out. He grabbed a fork and poked holes through the lid. Then he got down on his hands and knees and scoured the grass for fireflies along with the other kids. It took him just minutes to gather a handful of the bugs into the jar. He handed it over to the eldest of the kids, went back over to the hose and washed off his hands, grabbed our plates and headed back to me. He stopped only to grab an extra Tollhouse cookie. Which he promptly took a huge bite out of, leaving two melted splotches of chocolate on either cheek.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Another Online Dating Dilemma....
DATE: 6/24/2005 11:35:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My sister, her boyfriend and my niece are here in town. They called me around 9am and popped by unexpectedly on their way to New Jersey. Once the got here and we sat down for coffee I looked around my living room, knowing I forgot to do something. Then I spotted it.
My porn.
A few DVD's and Penthouse Forum books scattered on the lower shelf of my bookcase. Dammit! I forgot to hide my stash. Crisis was overted because they never went over to that part of my apartment. Although i don't think my sister would mention it even if she did see it. Patrick and I will drive out to Jersey tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck.
On another note, here's an e-mail I just received.....
"Hi Moxie,
Wonder if you can help me out. I met a guy on Nerve.com on Tuesday. He's an actor (a working one. I even recognized him from TV. And I met him ONLINE no less.) I met him for a comedy show that night. We went for a bite to eat after (he didn't have anything to drink) and then he walked me to a cab. But before we got to the corner he put his arm around my waist and walked me towards the alcove of an aprtment building. He kissed me, then let his hands roam a bit but nothing illicit or disrespectful. I actually kinda liked it. We kissed again and then he put me in a cab, kissing me before he closed the door. I don't think he's loking for a girlfriend, which is cool because I'm looking for a fun, sexual summer fling so that isn't a problem. (Yes, I know exactly what I want. To take a lover. That's it. I'm in school and work full time and just want something casual for now.) I told him I don't do the sex on a first date thing just because the sex is never any good for me that way, but told him I was totally into a nice summer casual hook-up thing.
I e-mailed him the next day to say thnk you, got a response back saying he had fun and wishing me a "great day." I responded back with something semi-naughty, okay REALLY NAUGHTY, and heard nothing back from him. It's been a 2 days.
I don't get it...why did he kiss me if he wasn't interested in hanging out?"
Who said he wasn't interested??
From my own experience with Tad Hamilton, actors are a nightmare to deal with. They're flaky. So add that to the equation and it's no wonder you're confused.
My guess is he is interested but just busy. He's an actor and my experience has been that actors think mainly of themselves. I wouldn't expect him to show all sorts of consideration. If he wasn't interested, I'd think he'd simply slink behind his computer and tap out a "Thanks but no thanks" response. So either he never got the message, got it and is busy wacking off to it (you must tell me what you said!) or figures he'll respond when he knows he can make plans. Or, sadly, when he feels like it.
Guys have ZERO idea of how women obsess over this stuff. It honestly doesn't occur to them that we might place a time frame on when we think we should hear back from them. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. For at least another few days. If he's a successful, employed actor he could be traveling, rehearsing or auditioning. Actor's hours are not regular people hours. Just pretend he lives in London and there's a time difference. If you're really just looking for a sexual tryst or fling, and he's available, he'll take you up on it at some point. It may not be when YOU want it to be, but I'm guessing you'll hear from him again. Just know what you're getting yourself in to. The sex will be amazing and uninhibited...but he's going to be a self absorbed flake most of the time. If you're okay with that, Godspeed my friend.
Anyone else want to offer their advice?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: That Dream Again
DATE: 6/23/2005 07:32:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Last night I had probably the most terrifying, and surreal, dreams of my life.
It began at a party. I was lying on the floor in what looked like a sleeping bag and over hearing a conversation between an ex lover from college and my friend.
"She's not even a real business person" he said.
"Yeah? Well you had s small dick and came in about 12 seconds, asshole" I shot back while peeking out from under the covers.(Yep, even in dreams I'm abrasive.)
Fast forward to learning of some sort of videotape that this ex made about me and was circulating around town. Not really sure what was on the tape, though. I remember threatening he and Christian Bale as they walked off laughing at me.
I walked out of the party and into a parking lot, where I was pulled into a van.
"Listen to this" I was told and some sort of cell phoene looking device was thrust into my hand. There were two men talking on the other end. Inside the van (which suddenly turned into a shelter or hideaway of some sort)a woman was scratching and scribbling on a large triangular easel.
"Did you hear what they said?" a man asked.
"They were talking about shopping. That's it. What was I supposed to hear?"
The woman writing spun the easel around. On the pad of paper was some sort of code or lingo that she deciphered.
"They're planning to kill you the next time you go to Walmart."
While inside our little cabin, we heard a car pull up out front. 4 people go out and burst into he room. All of them had guns in their hands.
I was able to distract them from killing me by talking to them about their love lives. Then, out of no where, I felt a small prick in my lower back. In minutes I was dizzy, my speech slurred. I don't remember passing out, but soon realized I was having a dream within a dream. I walked around the cabin (in my dream) and it was empty. My killers and my protectors both gone.
"I'm dead" I thought. "I must be in heaven." And then I heard my mother's voice. The fear that I had been feeling was gone. I felt safe. I ran from room to room hoping to find her. Out of nowhere I was in a circle of people seated in chairs. I was surrounded by friends and relatives who had passed away. I could still hear my mother talking. One by one I greeted people, moving from seat to seat. I smiled at how happy they looked and wished them well. I moved quickly, as all I wanted to do was get to my mother. Her voice grew closer but I still couldn't see her. It got louder and louder until...
I felt myself, in bed, take three large deeps gasps of breath. I sat upright, not quite sure where I was. Until I felt Patrick's side of the bed dip and raise.
He awoke instantly from my loud gasps for breath and shooting upright in a state of panic.
"What's wrong? What's wrong??" he asked. I was shaking, which ineveitably led to crying. The heightened sense of anxiety in my dream was from holding my breath in my sleep. (Isn't there an old wive's tale that if you die in your dream you die in real life?) But more than that, my tears were out of frustration that I never got to talk to my mother in my dream.
Anyone care to analyze?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Broken
DATE: 6/22/2005 10:13:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My friend Randi, a therapist, was saying recently about how she prefers to date guys that are close with their families. It gives her an idea of what sort of mate they would be. If they're too close then she gets a "co-dependant" vibe. If they aren't connected at all or rarely interacts with them then she fears they might have intimacy or committment issues.
File me under that category.
There's a reason for the distance between myself and my family. The really is. At this time, I'm not in a position where I feel comfortable divulging it just yet, but a reason does exist. It left me feeling unimportant and...well...forgotten. When my Mom died we all - my Dad and my sisters - sort of checked out in one way or another. Which left me on my own a lot. Unfortunately, sometimes in the wrong hands.
So I grew up never feeling I could rely on my family to protect me or to be there for me. I've forgiven and accepted their limitations but I have never forgotten them. I speak to my Dad and sisters once or twice a week, but don't travel home to see them. We're close in different ways I guess.
When they arrive on Friday and I bring Patrick to meet them I know Patrick will sense the distance. I'm scared he'll think that my detached nature with my family will mean I won't make a satisfactory partner. I'm afraid he'll think something's wrong with me.
I know that I should tell him what happened. I know I should. Years ago I told a man I had begun dating my story and he said, "If I had known that happened to you, I probably would never have dated you." It was the first time I ever really felt shame about my past. I don't want to feel that way again, especially with Patrick. Yes, Patrick is sensitive and understanding and compassionate. I know. I know I know I know. But what if he sees me as broken or damaged somehow? What if he fears I'll never truly be capable of letting him in? What if he wonders, since I'm not close with my family, if I will turn around and be a detached parent? What if he thinks my lack of family bonds will make me an unsuitable partner?
I've always felt different because of what happened to me those years ago. I've never seen things the same way again. And lord knows it destroyed my ability to trust. I've struggled and worked so hard at repairing the damage but there are still little remnants of what happened looming in my psyche.
My question is:
1. How important is it to you that your partner be close with their family? How do you fele abotu someoen who isn't?
2. Have you ever had a mate confess something in their past that hurt or affected them? How did you deal with it?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Family Matters
DATE: 6/21/2005 01:09:00 PM
-----
BODY:
So, yeah, Patrick is meeting the folks this weekend. Well, my sisters and cousins anyhow. My dad, who's almost 80, won't be able to make the trip down.
He's quite psyched for the party. I, on the other hand, am having a perpetual anxiety attack. Which is causing me to be snappish. Like, A LOT. Even picking little fights with him here and there.
This morning he asked me to go down on him, which is usually my favorite way to start a day. But not today.
"Ugghh...no. I'm totally PMS'ing. Swallowing will make me gag."
"When then how about we just fuck" he said with a smirk and started to roll on top of me.
"No! Jesus...I said no."
"Well, I guess getting it is better than not getting it, right." I admired him for looking at the bright side. "Aren't you happy that Aunt Flow is coming to town?"
The funny thing is, he's right. Literally and figuratively. My Aunt Flo IS coming to town. She's driving with my Uncle Frank. Yeah, that's right. I have an Aunt Florence. (I'm Italian, it happens.)
"Yeah, I know. Better than being pregnant I guess."
"Is your family pressuring you to get married and have a baby?"
"No. Not at all. I think they've given up hope. Actually, I think they think I'm gay."
"Really? So, I'm your beard then? Brilliant! Is that why you won't give me head?"
"Yes dear. This has all been a ruse to make my sisters think I'm straight. All the sex, all the cock sucking...all an act."
"Hmmm.....so my cock is just a prop to you, is that it?" He took my hand and placed it on his shaft. If it was a prop, then it was one of the thickest, hardest props I'd ever had. He judged my fingers upward as a sign that he wanted me to jack him off. As I said the other night to guys on my softball team, I've been very lucky to have been blessed with well endowed men. I don't think I've been with anyone in the last two years who was smaller than seven inches. Patrick always knew how to push my buttons. Especially my little pink one. Seconds later, tender breasts and all, I was riding him. No condom, either. Foolish, yes, but we've both been tested in the last couple months and we're all clear. Monogamous for six months. (Unless he did fuck that girl in Chicago but we're not going there right now.) I enjoy the freedom of bareback sex. God knows, Patrick prefers it. I raised and lowered my pussy down onto him and watched his eyes open and close. He'd lift his head up briefly so he could see his shaft disappearing in and out of slit. I don't know what came over me, but when he was close to comming I popped off of him and pulled him on top of me. He barely missed a beat, sliding out of me for only a second and then ramming his cock back inside me.
For twenty mintes or so I forgot about my family. The dread of their impending arrival was gone. But then they popped into my head, just a flash of faces. This may sound twisted, but after that I begged Patrick to pull out and blow his load on my tongue. He normally finishes inside me and loses his mind when I ask him to come on my belly, tits or face.
I felt the first drop on my chin. I arched my head back and thrust my breasts outwards, mouth wide open. Patrick's aim has always been shaky. I felt his cum splotch my cheeks, then my neck. It trickled down my collar bone, all hot and thick. All I could hear was the sound of his fist pumping back and forth over his slick cock and the low growls he emits as he comes. After the last spurt he sat back on his heels, dazed, and then flopped down beside me on to his stomach.
Patrick kissed me once then reached over me for a tissue. He wiped away all traces of his handiwork from mu skin.
"What came over you?" he asked, his face red and sweat on his upper lip.
"Uhh...I think you just did." He laughed at my pun and rolled over and threw his arm across my chest. I just stared at the ceiling.
Patrick rolled his head to the side to look at me.
"You're nervous, aren't you?" he asked.
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because I've never felt like I fit in in my family. I always felt like they were trying to shuffle me off to someone's house or another or avoiding me. I guess I just never felt like my family liked me all that much."
"Well, I like you just fine. And if they don't like me we'll just run off and elope" he said and kissed my cheek.
Wait....WHAT?
"Heh. Just wanted to see if you're listening" he said and got up to take a shower.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Approach Anxiety or Just Laziness?
DATE: 6/19/2005 04:07:00 PM
-----
BODY:
I curse like a sailor. Especially when I play sports. I curse, I pace, i yell. Honestly, it's quite unattractive. It's also the main reason why I never let Patrick come to my games.
Still recovering from severe dehydration, I played softball this past weekend. Now, I'm a big enough bitch on regular game days, but coming off three days of leg cramps and vomtting made me an Uber-bitch. I threw the bat, I cursed three times as much as I normally do (and I curse A LOT) and I was impossible to deal with. Add PMS to the mix and you can imagine what a nightmare I was. If I were single, I'd NEVER be able to hook-up with a guy on my team because I'm just waaayyy too intense when I compete. Actually, I'm downright obnoxious. No guy would ever find that attractive.
We went out after the game and I began to calm down after downing a much needed cocktail. I sat at the table listening to the various conversations. One end was discussing a vibrating condom that's about to hit stores. The other was talking CSI.
It wasn't the range in subject matter that I found odd. On either end of the table was a female player. To my left, Adriana. Reserved, somewhat quiet, cute and petite. On the other was Vanessa. A curvy (in the way women LOVE to be curvy), sweet Latina. Vanessa was, by all definition, HOT. Adriana was attractive too, no question, but quite passive.
All of the guys on my end of the table were tripping over themselves trying to talk with Adriana. None of them made an effort to talk to Vanessa, seated at the far end of the table.
Adriana ended up leaving with Paul, one of my team mates. Paul has those boy next door type looks that probably get him laid a lot. Which was why I surprised that he didn't at least try to talk to Vanessa.
Today I had a conversation with another team mate asking him what was so fascinating about Adriana versus Vanessa.
"The main difference wasn't the women. It was the guys. Vanessa was smokin'. But only the most confident of guys is going to approach a woman like that. Adriana was safe. Less work. Less chance of rejection. She was a nice girl, don't get me wrong, and she had a good bod and was cute. But she didn't really say anything that would indicate that she was overly opinionated or aggressive. Guys like that. It's easier."
I knew what he meant. It's been my experience that many guys are lazy. Sorry, boys, but some of you are. You don't want to have to work to impress us. Nor do you want to risk getting rejected so you zone in on the girl that, you think, will be simpler to woo. It's really all about rejection, since the male ego can be terribly fragile. Guys need to have the green light before they make a move on someone they don't know, for sure, is interested. The challenge is finding a way to make yourself known and available without being too aggressive. From what I've seen guys aren't all that comfortable with outspoken/strong women. Sure, they say they "love" to have women ask them out, but I think when it comes down to it they prefer to be the aggressor. Which couls be why they are attracted to the more docile type of woman.
Now, this isn't not to imply that Paul and Adriana couldn't have had a lot of things in common and just bonded over beers. Maybe it's as simple as that. I wasn't listening to them enough to hear what they were talking about. But, to be honest, what I did hear was far from deep. It was just surface generic flirting. Maybe Paul just wasn't attracted to Vanessa and that's why he didn't talk to her (although most of the guys on my team commented on Vanessa's various "assets.")
I've seen it enough now to feel comfortable saying that this is a trend. So, I have to ask....
1. Was my friend's assessment right? Do Guys prefer to approach the more seemingly reserved girls rather than ones who are more overtly attractive and/or outgoing?
2. If so...why?
3. Is it the fear of rejection that prevents guys from making a move on certain women?
4. What can a woman like Vanessa (or guy because I've seen women do the same thing with men) do to be more approachable?
5. Have you ever experienced/witnessed this?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Say My Name, Bitch
DATE: 6/17/2005 05:56:00 AM
-----
BODY:
No amount of Red Bull was going to resuscitate me last night. My fatigue caught up with me in the worst way way at the most unfortunate time.
I committed the cardinal sin of coupledom:
I called Patrick "Stefan" in bed. And the thing is, I haven't even thought about Stefan in months. I don't know why it happened other than I was out of my mind exhausted and almost falling asleep while he was inside me.
At one point Patrick was on top of me, thrusting hard and grunting as he tends to do when he's close to coming. And I? Was fighting to stay awake. Not because the sex was bad because, with Patrick, it's NEVER bad. I was just wiped out.
Patrick had a clump of my hair in his hand and it snagged on a ring that he wears. The sudden twinge of pain jolted me awake.
"Owww...fuck! Stefan...wait...stop!" I pushed Patrick off of me, still with my hair attached to his ring. At first I didn't even realize what I had said. Patrick gently untangled the strands and chuckled to himself.
"Wow...did Stefan wear rings, too?" he asked. He wasn't angry, or didn't appear so. He took off his ring and put it on the nightstand.
"I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't even know why I did that."
"It's okay. It happens. I once called a girl Mum." (Eww...)
I layed back down and waited for him to roll over and continue. But he didn't.
"Aren't we going to finish?" I asked, forcing myself to try to be sexy while I ran my finger over his little hip dents.
"No need. We can finish in the morning. Go to sleep."
In seconds I was out. I woke up at five am with my knees throbbing. I lay for a few minutes hoping the pain would go away, then got up to find some Advil in Patrick's bathroom. All he had was Alleve. I took two little blue pills with a big glass of water and went back to bed. I couldn't get comfortable. My knees still ached and my ankles were now joining in. I didn't;t want to wake Patrick up so I went out to his couch to try and fall back to sleep, but no luck. My knees, my ankles and my back had tightened up and I had a kink in my left calf. While shaking out my lower leg I heard Patrick pad down the hallway and into his living room.
"What's the matter? You okay?" he asked. His accent is thicker when he wakes up. So, his question sounded more likes one word. ("Whasmatryowokay?)
I started to answer him but felt myself getting nauseous. Note to self: Never take two Alleve on an empty stomach. I hobbled past him to his bathroom and vomited. Throwing up always makes me cry because I get nervous and scared because my body is reacting in a way that I can't control. So there I was, kneeling on his expensive tile hunched in a heap dry heaving. Which would then cause me to wince in pain due to the tightness in my back. Patrick started to enter the bathroom and I instinctively slammed the door on him. Well, I tried.
"No, don't come in here!" I tried to block the door with my foot. I would have used my arm but that would have taken far too much work.
"Don't be silly. Move your foot away. Seriously, Mox, you've got me scared."
There really wasn't much I could do. I couldn't fight, I couldn't move...I just rested my head on the toilet seat and started to cry. Patrick crouched down next to me and rubbed my back.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you Stefan. I'm sorry. I'm just so tired and my legs hurt. I'm sorry."
Blecch...I was a mess. And I couldn't even use the "I'm drunk" excuse.
"Sshhh...no worries...I know you're tired. I know it was a mistake. No worries."
This was one of those times when I was glad I had a toothbrush at his place. He stood next to me, making sure I didn't sway back and forth from being lightheaded, as I brushed and gargled and then walked me back to his couch. I felt terrible because I knew he had a 10am conference call and needed his sleep. He went to his kitchen and made me some toast and tea. He sat next to me and rubbed my back while I slowly sipped and nibbled.
"Ahhh..the color's coming back" he said and lightly pinched my cheek. We hung there for awhile then laid down on the couch and fell asleep for a couple hours. Patrick skipped the gym, showered and got into a cab with me. He got me inside, made sure I was okay being alone and then left for work.
"Get a good meal. Call the diner across the street and get some eggs. Eat something, for christ's sake, and make sure to have juice. I'll call you after my meeting." He kissed me goodbye and headed out.
So, here I sit, typing this out and wiping Hollandaise sauce off my keyboard. No work to do today, just sleep. I'll have to make it up to Patrick tonight, though.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Fatal Attraction
DATE: 6/15/2005 11:33:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Blaire (of the scary "MarryBalire.com - Do You Know My Husband?" infamy where she built a website hunting for a husband), is leading a workshop called "Embrace Your Inner Psycho." Don't even get me started on how terrifying the idea is of Blaire teaching her women-only class to perpetuate her "it's all the guy's fault-live in a self-absorbed bubble like me" bullshit.
Why is it that when women get angry or express their frustration, they're labeled a psycho? It's bad aenough when a guy does it (and, yeah, there are times when it's actually justified) but for a woman to actually hold a class like this? Wrong on so many levels. By naming her class "Embrace Your Inner Psycho" she's sending the message out that if you react a certain way or get irritated or frustrated by a guy and then communicate it...you are then "a psycho." Why not "Embrace Your Inner AlphaFemale?" Why not put a positive spin on it? Why solidify the already tired and unfair image in guys head of angry/outspoken woman = Psycho.
Also, rather than get a group of women together and excluding the men...wouldn't it better serve the ladies if the workshop was open to guys? That way the men and women could communciate so that the women and men would be aware of what the opposite sex finds frustrating and/or confusing. Isn't the lack of communication between men and women the biggest hurdle singles face? Why do Blaire's little tricks and secrets need only be given to women? (And why do I get the feeling that Blaire will, again, snag this idea and try to pass them off as her own? I've been doing workshops like this for well over 3 months.)
Finally, I wish Blaire and other sites like hers would write their own damn copy (and come up with their own original concepts and events) for their websites and stop copying mine. I get the whole "using it for a guideline" thing and I'm okay with that. But changing a few wodds here and there doesn't make it original text, Blaire and various other "flirt fetes." Geez...
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Haven't Got Time for The Game
DATE: 6/15/2005 07:28:00 AM
-----
BODY:
You know what?
I'm tired. Just exhausted. How exhausted, you ask?
Patrick woke me up this morning, his stiff cock jutting into my ass, and nibbling on my neck.
"Wake up.." he whispered and slid his hand under my thin white tank top. I could feel a bit of scruff rubbing against my shoulder.
I made a weak attempt to roll onto my back but as I did I felt every muscle in my shoulders tighten.
"I'm tiiiiired..." I said as I returned his kiss. "My back hurts."
Patrick rested his chin on my arm and started to rub my back. "Come take a shower with me. That'll loosen you up." He almost had to carry me to the bathroom with him.
I felt bad, especially because or sex life has definitely slowed down. We're at a point where we schedule time specifically for sex. On one hand, it worries me that we're both so tired and/or busy, but on the other I like how we make a concentrated effort to do this. We acknowledge that we both have certain needs and work to meet them. But this part of our relationship has become "work." Not that I'm complaining, as we still have an amazing realtionship and I'm happy to do the things needed to be done to keep things going. I don't expect things to be effortless. But, god damn, it's WORK.
It's funny...all the games and power plays and moves that we make when we're single and looking to meet someone? WOW...look at all that work we put into just getting someone to meet us for a drink or to hook-up? All that wasted emotion and time and energy. I honestly think that that's part of the reason I'm so fatigued (that and travelling more to teach workshops and my event schedule tripling.) I look back at all the times I feigned disinterest so as not to "lose hand" in a relationship. All the times I sweated over waiting for a phone call. All the coy, stupid games I played just TO GET A DATE. I spent most of my 20's and 30's dating guys who weren't looking for comittment as well as telling myself I was okay with the limited, contained types of relationships I was having. Looking back on it, it was such a waste of energy. The games, the power struggles...Jesus...if I wasn't already wiped out, just thinking about that stuff would do it to me. That shit is exhausting.
The ironic thing is...that stuff is all unnecessary work...and none of it prepares you for what really lies ahead when you do find someone. Not only is there physical exertion - going over to his place at midnight because that's when he finally gets home now a days, him coming to mine at 1am, meeting for lunch when he's working through the night, hauling my ass out of bed at 6:30 am so we can have a little quality shower time and he can get to the gym before work. Sunday night I'm sure Patrick would have loved to just have gone home and crashed. But he didn't, knowing it would disap[oint me.
The work, you see, in a relationship is in putting the other person first. And for anyone who's lived an independent life lnows...that ain't easy. When we're dating and flirting and "out there" we're thinking about ourselves. We're looking out for number one. We're working overtime just to pretend. But once you're in that place with someone...guys, let me tell ya...you thought figuring out if someone was into you or not took a lot out of you? Multiply that feeling by 10.
I have to admit that this is my first "real" relationship like this. Which I'm sure adds to my uncertainty and sometimes clueless behavior. I've never been at this point in a relationship before. At 36 years old...never. As a sometimes-jock, you'd think I would have known to stretch before playing. Unfortunately, there is no stretching or warm-up out there that prepares you for this.
As I told my workshop group last night...enjoy being single. Enjoy living just for you. Enjoy being answerable to no one. Both sides of the coin has it's merits, believe me. I love Patrick and I'm happy with him. But don't think that sometimes we "coupled" people don't look at single people and get nostalgic for those days.
Gah. I sound so preachy. I apologize. I don't mean to sound condescending or liek a know it all. I'm just tired. From all this work.
Yoru thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Slow Burn
DATE: 6/12/2005 06:37:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Patrick got here about eight o'clock, sun burnt and tired. Things went well in the Hamptions. It ended up being a "employee only" excursion that included a surpise staff meeting over steaks. Nobody brought spouses or girlfriends and only 3 of them actually stayed the night. Lots of food, lots of booze and way too much sun. We were going to head to dinner, but we were both too fatigued from the heat and hung over from the night before. (I had far too many beers with my softball team and almost collapsed at one point during the game.) Patrick and I ended up laying on my bed eating pizza and watching "Entourage."
For those of you who don't watch the show here's a quick re-cap:
Eric and his girlfriend had been separated for three months while he was in NYC filming a movie and she was in LA at school. On his return home, he headed straight to her place hoping for welcome home sex. No deal. His girlfriend had her period. "Can I at least get a blow job" he asked. Not happening. They agree to make a "sex date" for the following Saturday. She calls last minute and says she has food poisoning. Eric tells his friends what happened, they call bullshit and take him out to get his mind off things. Eric is sensing that his girlfriend is blowing him off. Eric sleeps with model and feels guilty for it. He goes to his girlfriend's place the next day to confess, but they start fooling around. Rather than both of them just shutting the hell up, Eric starts saying how he thought they'd never sleep together again because he thought the universe was "working against them." Her getting her period, not being able to fly to NYC to see him, her food poisoning. "Are you accusing me of something?" she asks all huffy. Eric says no. She questions whether or not he truly was faithful to her while in NYC. He adamantly says he was and backed it up by reminding her of how they agreed that they would be exclusive while he was away. She says she never agreed to that. The girlfriend then cops to sleeping with someone while he was away, he feels like a fool for having stayed faithful for three months and for beating himself up over screwing someone else the night before. She didn't cheat on him once, but twice. She was lying about the food poisoning. She begs him to stay using the "we can work it out, don't leave angry" line. Eric turns and snots back, "I'm not angry. As a matter of fact I came over her to confess to you that I fucked a Perfect Ten model last night. And this morning. Buh bye."
And...scene.
I said outloud that I thought he was an idiot for wanting to confess his infidelity. Okay, probably should have used my "inside voice" for that but...whatever.
"Dumb move on his part. Glad she confessed first though." Patrick asked.
"Right? He didn't plan on seeing the girl he slept with again, why tell her? Not to mention, his gut was telling him all along that she wasn't completely sure about where they stood. Why open that can of worms?"
"Exactly. No need to be that honest. He didn't care about the girl he fucked, he was just pissed that she blew him off."
"Of course. He still should have kept it to himself though. He was in the clear. He just told her about screwing around to hurt her and to prove he was right. Should have kept that to himself."
"Would you?" he asked. Wait, when did this become about us? Or me, to be exact.
"Would I keep something like that to myself? Well, probably. I mean, I guess. What if they got back together? Then she wouldn't trust him. Then that things would always be hanging over their head."
"But who do you think was more wrong? Him, because he did it out of feeling hurt. Or her?"
"She was. She didn't know they were exclusive? That's bullshit. She knew. She was just being selfish."
"So cheating out of feeling hurt isn't as bad as doing it out of selfishness. It's more easily forgiven?" he asked. Why did I feel like my words might be used against me at some point?
"No, just easier to understand. The forgiving part would still be difficult. Especially for me. Why...something I should know?"
"Of course not! I'm just asking, is all." He lightly slapped my thigh and stuck his tongue out at me then went back to watching TV.
Here's the thing...if I asked him what was behind those statements, and he had strayed, would I have gotten the truth? Probably not.
Did I think he was feeling me out to see how I'd react if he did, in fact, ever cheat on me? Yeah. Totally.
Do I think he wanted to gauge whether I'd stepped out on him? No.
Am I worried that he cheated? My radar went off a bit, but I think that if he had strayed he wouldn't have pushed the issue and attracted attention to himself.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: A Weekend Away
DATE: 6/10/2005 09:00:00 AM
-----
BODY:
At the last minute Patrick called and asked if I minded if he went to the Hamptons this weekend with a co-worker.
"Which co-worker?" I asked. I hated asking somethign liek that. I sounded like his Mom.
"Well, it's one of the mucky-mucks, actually. Face time stuff. Just for a night. I'd leave tomorrow am and come back Sunday."
"Yeah, don't sweat it. I have my game tomorrow anyway and planned on being out til about 8 or 9 or so. Plus I have work to do for my Philly trip on Tuesday."
Was I supposed ot asl if I could go with him? Should I have inquired if wives/girlfriends were invited?
If I had acted all "Wah Wah Wah, you're not including me" I'd suffocate him. But if I didn't seem concerned or interested I feared he'd think I didn't care.
I understand the "face time" thing, but I don't want him using it as an excuse, you know?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Be Cool
DATE: 6/09/2005 05:52:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Chicago Singles - My company is having a happy hour tomorrow at Bar Chicago. 2 for 1 drinks, free beer. Ages 25-42 or so. Post a comment if you'd like to attend.
Philly Singles - Flirting Workshop June 14th
Boston Singles - Champagne Open Bar Party June 16th
Enough MoxieintheCity.net pimping. On to the blog.
This morning, I received the folling e-mail. This gentlemean was inquiring about an event I'm having tonight.
From: chili palmer [mailto:miraclefilms@xxxxxxxx.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 8:44 AM
To: xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: interested but not sure
if we would fit in
ecclectic group of gentlemen: WM, 6' or better, fit, 40s
NYC fashion photog,
retired pro athlete (NYY),
one of cosmo's top 100 eligible bachelors in usa
we generally have been dating women 18-25 y/o
whaddya think?
What do I think, Chilli? I think you're a douche bag. Want to know what else I think...I think you date 18-25 year olds because they're too young an inexperienced to know that...you're a douche bag. Any woman over 27 would be able to tell you're just some midle age poser with no discernable character.
Of course, for business purposes, I couldn't respond like that. My professional response was "I think you'll never know until you try. We don't have anyone younger than 21 at our events due to liquor laws so most of the female attending or 25 or above. As my Italian grandmother used to say, "Try it, you'll LIKE it."
Hee!. Except, not. Even if I were a giggler by nature I'd still have gritted my teeth while typing that response. Asswipe.
Is he delusional or just really clueless?
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: I Was Once That Girl
DATE: 6/07/2005 03:20:00 PM
-----
BODY:
The Greek Wrote:
I've been with my girlfriend for about 9
months and a couple of weeks ago I was out with guys from work and
met a girl. We flirted all night, got drunk and she asked me for my
card.
I told my GF I was out with the guys, which wasn't a lie. But of
course I didn't tell her I hung out with some random girl.
The girl called me the following Thursday and asked me to go to happy
hour with she and her friends. Just drinks, right? So I grabbed a
buddy and we met up with them and hung out. Again, telling my GF I
was having drinks with "joe."
Nothing happened with me and that girl, but I know something could.
She called me the other day and we talked for a bit. It's fun. It's
harmless. I told her I have a girlfriend. If she keeps calling me is
that my fault? I haven't done anything with her, nor do I plan to.
It's just a diversion."
Moxie: Knock Knock
Thegreek: Who's There?
Moxie: Yor
Thegrekk: Yor who?
Moxie: Yor cheating.
I worked with a guy named John years ago. We played softball together. Then hanging out after games turned into going to lunch. Then the movies. Then the occassional work related party together. His girlfriend lived in Florida. For the most part is WAS just a friendship.
Yeah...I was that girl once. "He's not cheating! We're just friends!!!!"
My friend Karen would shake her head and say, "You're asking for trouble, Moxie. And, yeah, it is cheating."
Then I fell in love with him. That's where things went wrong. All my friends saw it happening and tried to warn me. John's girlfriend moved up to NYC and I assume things would change.
They didn't. Except of course that his girlfriend use to drop by our office unexpectedly, show up at our games unannounced, and drop by the gym where she wasn't a member while John and I were working out. I would get annoyed with her and my friends would remind me that she WAS his girlfriend after all and had the right to pop in. Obviosuly, she sensed something was going on. (Mind you, at this point we had never been physical. That didn't happen 'til almost a year later. It was a one time thing when we were drunk and we never spoke of it afterwards. No sex, just a bit of petting.)
Soon I started to notice a change in John. And that change was named Marti, his secretary. Her provocative outfits, the way she'd spend time in his office instead of doing work, The way she was intensely interested in being my friend. Something was going on, I just knew it. John denied it, of course, claiming to think Marti was just a bimbo and he'd never be interested in her. But you know how you'll be with two people and they'll have some sort of weird inside joke that you just don't get...but you KNOW it's there? That's how I felt.
One night, at about 2am, my phone rang. It was John's girlfriend and she was worried because John wasn't home. Did I know where he was? Even in my groggy stupor I still managed to ask, "How the hell did you get this number?" I didn't know where John was, I told her, as I hadn't been out with him that night. But there was something about her voice. Anxiety mixed with shame. She knew he was cheating on her, I knew he was cheating on her....just not with me. Suddenly we were both "that woman" on the other side wondering if her man was straying. For the first time...I felt sorry for her. I felt ashamed for what was going on. I felt sad for her. I finally saw, up close, the affect that my friendship with John was having on this woman.
A year later, after I'd moved on to a new job and cut John out of my life, I learned that John was most definitely fucking Marti. While still living with his girlfriend. All his co-workers knew because, while John tried to be discreet, Marti insisted on flaunting it at work functions. And when John's girlfriend would come around there everyone would be - pretending that they didn't know that John was cheating on her - but having to save face and play dumb. How humiliating...for everyone, but especially for her.
John's girlfriend knew. He'd come home late, frequently mention Marti or leave books and CD's that he borrowed from Marti around their apartment. She knew. Why else would she follow him to the gym, call my apartment at 2am or drop by work?
She knew. And she stayed with him. I have to be honest and say that that's what keeps me from totally sympathizing for her. She knew, I know she knew, how could she NOT know?
Marti forced John's hand and made him break up with his girlfriend and ask her to move out so she could move in. It was said that John and Marti's relationship was one of convenience. Marti was living with her then boyfriend when she met John. They broke up. Marti may have needed a new place to live. She was rumored to have lost room mate after room mate and wasn't exactly on the fast track in her career. Maybe she got with John out of need. Whatever. They eventually married and now have two kids.
I passed them on Amsterdamn Ave last summer. John looked fatigued. Marti looked cranky. The weren't talking. They weren't looking at each other.
So much for being The Other Woman.
That relationship changed me. First real heartbreak. My entry into the Bitter Barn. That was my "Men Are Shit" phase. But what really sticks out in my mind from that time was how I refused to be accountable for my own actions and subsequent pain. I rationalized and justified everything about my relationship with John. It was hearing John's girlfriend voice on the other end of the line that made me realize that what I was doing. And it was the searing pain I felt in my chest that I felt when I heard that he was sleeping with Marti that sealed it.
Served me right.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Is Phone Sex Cheating?
DATE: 6/07/2005 06:19:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My friend Logan (a guy) confessed to me yesterday that he's been having phone sex with an old lover, unbeknownst to his current girlfriend.
"Well, don't you think that that's an indication that things aren't going well with your relationship?"
"No..not at all. Things are really good. It's just that this girl I have phone sex with has this really dirty side that I like."
"Then maybe try to see if your girlfriend can be dirty like that? Is she uptight?" I asked.
"No, actually thing are pretty good in bed with her."
"So...why do you do it?"
"Dunno...."
I thought for a second and then said, "Well, let me rephrase my question...Do you think maybe you're just a selfish asshole?"
It was a hpothetical question. I had my answer. 'Caue if you care about someone, then you don't do something that you know would hurt them. And if you do you eventually if not sooner feel bad about it. That's that funny little thing called a "conscience" poking at us from the inside like a kidney stone.
When I told Patrick about it last night, he just laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"Ahhh... Calm down. It's not like he's sleeping with her."
"Ummm...kinda not the point. And keep in mind that I, you know, REMEMBER our conversations."
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'D do it" he said. Translation: Please don't stop having sex with me.
I asked Charlie the same question. "Nah...that's not cheating. If the person on the other end of the line was some phone operator then it would just be some him rubbing one out. It's harmless."
What-evah.
Now, this post is two part. With the topic of cheating on the blog, so to speak, here's my next question:
Do people KNOW when they're mate is cheating?
I think women sense these things better than men, though men often think we're stupid and won't think twice if he suddenly starts working til 9pm every night or when their assistant suddenly starts asking us, "Whom May I Ask Is Calling?"
Umm...his girlfriend. The woman who's been calling here for six, eight, ten months and whom you usually greet with a chirpy "Hey there, Suzy! Hold on, I'll put you through!" Now suddenly there's a question? Which could only mean one thing...there's another woman calling frequently and the receptionist/assistant/office mate doesn't want to call us by the wrong name.
Yeah. We know. We sense it. Women can smell guilt a mile away. Or at least indifference. Because men either ignore a woman after they've cheated or they pile on the affection and attention. (Remember that consistency thing I always talk about? That's a big reason why it's important. Stray from the norm and we'll assume the worst.) Here's where, I think, women have the upper hand. When we cheat (and we do) we justify it. "He's never home/I think he's cheating on me/He been acting strangely." By rationalizing it, we convincve ourselves we're in the right. Not to say that we're souless. We do feel guilt, just not right away.
Men, I think, usually take a bit longer to catch on to infidelity. I have to wonder if it's an ego thing. "Oh..she wouldn't cheat on ME! I'm amazing!" They've got their heads so far in the clouds that it's almost like it never occurs to them that we might step out on them.
The biggest reason Patrick has a chip on his shoulder about his ex-fiance cheating on him isn't that she was screwing one of his co-workers. It's that he was, as they say, the last to know. He felt stupid. Cuckolded. "I never saw it coming" he said.
Your thoughts? Ever known when you were being cheated on? Were you ever the last to know? Did you know and just ignore it?
EDITOR'S NOTE: No, I am not worried that Patrick is cheating on me.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Beauty of Men Being Men
DATE: 6/05/2005 04:14:00 PM
-----
BODY:
I sat on the grass in Central Park this weekend watching various teams play softball. Now, I'm all for co-ed sports, but I have to say that there is something about watching a group of men (and only men) compete.
As I've oftened mentioned, I'm a guy's girl who is usually put right in "the friend zone" when I meet a man. I attribute this not to being crass or lewd...but to my communication style. I say what I have to say, I don't coddle or hand hold and I rarely sugar coat anything. But the other thing that I do is assimilate. I try not to stand out from the rest of the pack. Especially when it comes to leading a sports team as I do. I love "my guys." I don't crush on them, I try not to flirt with them and I never use emotional tactics like pleading or guilting them into doing what I want. I acknowledge their egos and their need to be themseleves. I don't ask for them to refrain from cursing or discussing women. I don't get uptight if I hear the "P" word. I don't cringe when they discuss sexual conquests. In that situation, I choose to be among them and wish to be treated as one of them. No special treatment. If I were uncomfortable with that behavior then I shouldn't be there.
Being "one of he guys" isn't pretty. I don't really want to see that much o ftheir "real" selves, much like men don't want to hear about my cramps. From the inside, their boorishness and competitive "my dick is bigger than yours" can be exhausting.
Ahhh.....but from the outside. From the outside it's pretty damn sexy. Especially when watching guys be athletic. Then their crudeness seems charming. Boys will be boys. To be a girl in the stands (on in the grass) and cheering for a man makes me feel girlie, which is something I don't often feel. I guess that's why I love to watch. Because it brings out that giddy, demure, flirty cheerleader that I just never was.
The funny thing is when men KNOW that women are watching them. Now they really need to impress. Their manhood is on the line. To win would indicate their ability to protect and provide. In sports, men are nothing more than primal beings following their instincts. It's not about common sense or emotion. It's about survival and need. There is no thinking involved. No...well..games. Throw the ball, hit the ball, catch the ball, run. That's it. That's when men think most clearly and honestly, as they're following their gut instincts. No outside factors to interfere. Run, throw, hit, catch. You want to see a man for who he really is? Watch him compete. Chess, checkers, football...whatever. You'll learn if he has integrity, drive, heart and passion.
My friend and I watched a team of Big Ten school leagues play ball yesterday. I was drawn to one image in particular...the shape of a man's calf when it flexes. That, and the outline of their shoulders through their t-shirts. When each guy whould get up to bat, their jerseys fit snuggly around their shoulders and accentuated their muscles. I started to picture each of them topless, their semi-hairless chests all sweaty.
They'd lift up their tops to wipe of their forhead and brow, exposing their tummies. A little happy trail of hair trickled down just below their belly button. The trail my tongue would follow as I went down on a man. In this case, his skin would be warm from his accelorated activity. He'd taste slightly of salt from perspiring. That scent, next to certain colognes, is the most intoxicating. It conjures up images of drive and passion.
This is the perspective I prefer. I like a little bit of mystery. I know men all burp and curse and think nothing of discussing their bodily functions. I accept that...but I prefer to never see it. Just like men don't need to know about how we tweeze and pluck every stray hair that peeks out of our thongs or have the random stretch mark. It's funny how the more emotional imperfections we see or learn about in our mate can bring us closer, yet the aestetic peccadillos tend to drain the relationship of romance.
"But if they love us, then they should accept us for how we are!" you cry.
Umm...yeah. About that......
Goldie Hawn was once quoted as saying that she rarely ever let Kurt Russell see her before she did her face in the morning. Not because she was insecure...but because she felt that that was one of those little things she could do to maintain mystery in their relationship. And they've been together how many years? (Granted, they never got married either which could be why they're still together, but I digress. You see my point, eh?)
We all have those moments, when they aren't looking or aware that they're being watched, when we think the opposite sex is at it's sexiest.
What's yours?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Dark Side
DATE: 6/03/2005 10:50:00 AM
-----
BODY:
"Fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side."
-Yoda, Revenge og the Sith
Interesting quote. I must have been in Patrick's lap when Yoda uttered these words. Who new a Muppet could be so introspective?
But the little green Jedi is right. The fear of loss IS a path to the Dark Side. It makes us hold on to things too tighly or keep them at a distance.
It also causes us to behave in ways that we aren't even aware of. It's the intention vs. perception issue. I talk about this all the time in my Flirting Workshops. People sometimes try so hard to seem aloof and cool that they come of cold and disinterested. And who wants to get close to someone like that? The loss people fear in this sort of situation is rejection. But what some people don't seem to realize is...rejection, loss, hurt....are all parts of life. They're things that make us realize what our limitations are, what we have and who we are. We need those things in order to fully experience and appreciate things. In other words...we need to lose to remind us why we wanted to win in the first place.
The other thing I took from my dreams was how much I resented my mother. Not for dying, becasue that was out of her control, but for not saying goodbye. For not even trying to get close to me. For not realizing how keeping her distance would affect me. I gre up thinkign that that was an okay way to deal with a fear of loss. My mother never, so it appears, acknowledged why she was afraid to be close. Then again, that shouldn't surprise me, as my mother apparently let fear rule her. Her refusal to do a breast exam or go for Dr. visits. Her decision to quit chemo. Her lack of attention to me. Those were all ways that she insulated herself and tried to prevent herself from feeling the pain of knowing she'd have to say good bye. So she just never said.
Patrick brings his own fears to the relationship. Trust issues, mostly. Having a fiancee who cheate don him had to have rocked him tot he core. His Dad died when he was younger (while Patrick was in his teens I believe.) Loss is not a stranger to him either. After I told him about my mom, he said he felt like he knew me a bit better. He now understood my insistence on "me time."
The thing is, I'm not sure if the "me time" issue is really about a fear of abandinement or self-protection as much as it's about just liking to be alone sometimes. Or needing to be alone. Lots of people need alone time, right? That doesn't mean they're runnign away from something or avoiding.
Right?
Dunno.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Kept
DATE: 6/03/2005 08:04:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick and I watched the new VH1 reality show "Kept" last night.
People...you gotta watch this. I've grown so sick of all these faux "dating" shows where viewers are supposed to buy that these two strangers meet, date, fall in love and get engaged in 2 months. Trista and Ryan, no doubt, will divorce once she realizes that her hunky fireman husband has no desire to be a celebrity. Trists, on the other hand, still pimps herself out to shows like "Dancing With The Stars."
Honey, it's over. You're married. Move along.
Back to "Kept." Brilliant. Brilliant fucking show. And unlike "The Apprentice" or other shows where famewhores all compete for a fake position or job...this one actually seems real. They don't need to fall in love with Jerry, and Jerry doesn't need to fall in love with them. She's looking for a boy-toy, a pretty little accessory to take to parties. You see, she's been married. She's done the "love" thing. She doesn't need to be taken care of. Well, she needs to be serviced but that's a whole other story.
Watch it. The guys are hot (some are painfully vapid) and smarmy. Good, mindless fun.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Rewiring The System
DATE: 6/02/2005 08:04:00 AM
-----
BODY:
I had a dream about my mother last night. I don't dream of her often, but she has certainly popped into my mind more lately since I began dating Patrick. She died when I was seven and, to be honest, I don't really remember her all that well. There's something from these dreams in the back of my mind trying to poke at me. Something about my Mom's appearance in my nightime visions. There's a message there, and I think I've figured it out.
I've alsways been someone psychic. Ever since I was a kid. I knew the day beofre my Mom died that she was going to pass away. I knew when my uncle would drop dead of a heart attack. I've known who's calling (long before the days of caller ID.) So I guess that's why I rely on my instinct so much. When I want to sort out a problem, I think about it as I fall asleep. It may sound kooky, but I have always felt like certain people visit me in my dreams to warn me or make me aware of something to come in my furture.
Back to the dreams....
Like I said, my Mom died when I turned seven. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer when I was about 3 or 4. I don't remember much about her, except she wore really dark red lipstick and had this suede brown coat that she'd wear. (She had exceptional taste in clothing. I know this because I can remeber her silk Gucci blouses with the big G's and golden cuff links.) It's funny the things that you remember about someone. She liked Nat King Cole, LOVED Christmas (hence why my real name is spelled a little wonky), had two dogs that were fiercely loyal to her and loved to talk on the phone. She had a thing for underdogs, I'm told, and took one of my sister's ne'er do well friends under her wing when she learned he came from a home with alchoholic parents. She was compassionate, she was outspoken, she was tough...and she was very, very weak. My Mom never knew she was dying, only that she was sick and had cancer. By the time she was diagnosed, she was stage 4 and was given about 9 monmths to 2 years to live. As strong as she was, the news that she had only a couple of years left would cripple her. Only my Dad knew. He carried that secret with him, never telling my sisters or me. I'm angry that she waited so long to go to the doctor. I'm even angriere that she chose to quit chemo because it made her feel weak and sick. She had children, 5 diughters, to spend time with. Didn't that mean anything to her?
I knew my Mom was sick because she'd always be lying on the couch in our back porch. She'd often be medicated so she never really knew who I was, especially near the end. But even in the early stages of her illness, when she was still able to walk and get around.....I don't ever remember my mother saying "I love you." In fact, I often felt like my mother avoided me. Sure, she'd talk to me and acknowledge me from time to time. She'd never berate me, yell at me or hit me. It just was as if I wasn't there. She'd talk and laugh and socialize with everyone else...my cousins, my aunts, my older sisters. But rarely me.
The few images of her I have in my head all seemed...strained. My first day of kindergarten, as we walked to school, she sat me down on the curb to tell me a secret.
"Mommie's very sick" she said. I just sat there, clutching my American Flag pencil box. As she started to say more, my cousin pulled up in his car and offered to drive us to school. I had been put in class a year early, which I originally thought was my Dad's idea because he worked in the school system. It wasn't until I was an adult in my late twenties that I realized I was put in school early because people thought it was best if I wasn't around my Mom.
"People?" I asked my father. "Or Momma?"
My Dad wouldn't answer. They wanted to conceal her sickness from us as long as they could, and with me around every day while they went in and out of Boston for chemo treatments it would be impossible. Not to mention, she was losing her hair. My mother was also quite vain, so this was greatly disturbing for her. She didn't want anyone to see her bald spots.
But there was more to why I was sent off to kindergarten early. It wasn't that I was some prodigy. My Mom didn't want to get attached to me or have me get attached to her. It was easier to keep me at arm's length. She didn't want to get too close. It would be easier to say goodby that way. (Was this to protect me...or her?) Ironically, I never did get the chance to say that. I woke up one morning and she was gone. My Dad sat me on his lap in our den, my oldest sister at his side, and started to tell me that God had sent for my mother becasue he needed her help in heaven.
"She's dead." I said. It wasn't a question. It was an acknowledgement of the truth. Even at seven I had no patence for bullshit.
She and I rarely ever played together as mothers and daughters do. I was just sort of kept on the sidelines, never really acknowledged (but not totally ignored or deprived, either. Let this be clear...my father was an honorable and amazing provider. He just wasn't all that great at the nurturing stuff. But how many men in the 70's were..and Alan Alda doesn't count.) I was often by myself, even at 4 and 5 years old. Not abandoned, mind you, just...alone. I played by myself. I walked to school by myself from the time I was 6 or 7. I had friends on my street that I'd ride nikes with, but I never felt compelled to hang out with a group of people. To this day, I often prefer being on my own.
I lay in bed the other night and my Mom popped into my head. Just like I dream of sharks when I'm fearing confrontation or competition, I now realize I dream of my Mom when I get afraid of getting too close. That's what her image in my dreams represents to me.
As a child I was taught that the way to avoid pain and avoid loss is to detach. Make it easier on yourself for when things end. Because they will end. I have to wonder...do other children who lost a parent at a crucial age feel and operate the same way?
I don't want to live like that anymore. So the first thing I did? Tell Patrick about my dreams.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Twizzler
DATE: 6/01/2005 08:04:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick's tongue, I swear, is made or rubber. When he goes down on me, there are things he can do to make me feel like he's fucking me with his tongue.
From time to time I'll look down at him while he's between my legs. His tongue is folded in half and he's darting it right underneath my clit. Flick, flick, liiiick, flick. Liiiick, flickflickflickflick. He'll focus his attention right on my little pink button. His tongue goes from soft and pliable to rigid. He places the tip of his tongue right in the middle of my clit and swirls his head counter clockwise, simulating what his finger might do if he were getting me off with his hand.
That? Makes me come. Every. Single. Time.
He teases me at first. My pussy lips get puffy and he laps gently at the juice that trickles out. He licks up and down the slit, slipping his arms underneath each leg and the around so he can grab my knees. This is the sign that he's ready to dive in. He'll pull my legs ope, wide to fit his head and shoulders between them. A man needs his space, no?
His lapping becomes quicker, his tongue swirling in and out of my pussy like a tiny, lovely, orgasm-inducing drill. I love it most when he holds my hands down at my sides, refusing to let me grab at his hair or head so I can direct him. He likes to be in charge then, so I let him.
He knows not to stop once I'm close. And he knows I'm close when my inner thighs start to tremble. He just licks faster, circling his head around and around, feeling my clit stiffen and seeing my tummy contract and spasm. By that point, I'm so wet that his nose, cheeks and chin are shiny and slick.
I prime myself for a gloriuos, ass-off-the-bed, "I'm gonna fuckin' come" climax. When I feel his tongue fold and lift up my clit I know what comes next. Me.
In the elevator of his building Saturday night, when we got hom from the movie, Patrick reached over and cupped my ass. I opened my legs slightly and, as expected, he slid his hand underneath and rubbed my pussy.
Patrick got inside his place and didn't even let me kick off my heels before got behind me and walked me against the wall of his foyer. He turned me around, kissed me and lifted up my skirt. He stripped off my thong quickly, lifted my leg over his shoulder and went to work. I grabbed his head tightly, horny from sucking him off in the theatre, and so already close to my own orgasm. I didn't need much encouragement. Neither did he.
It was a record for me. I came in less than 3 minutes.
Your thoughts?
Ever given head or a handjob in a public place? Ever tried and failed? Share, people, SHARE!!
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Would She Go Down On You In a Theatre?
DATE: 5/31/2005 08:43:00 AM
-----
BODY:
And the answer is ...yes.
Patrick and I saw "Revenge of The Sith" Saturday night. The 11:00 showing (as he worked though much of Saturday trying to catch up on a week's worth of e-mails that came in while he was out of the office.)
While for the most part I was engrossed in the story (it brough me back to when I was 8 or 9 or however old and saw Star Wars for the first time) there were times when my mind -and hand - wandered. Maybe it was Ewan McGregor's accent. Or Hayden Christensen's lips. (Hello, pretty.) Or the fact that Patrick had his arm around me and was running his thumb up and down my right nipple. For whatever reason, I got horny.
Thankfully, it was the late show and we were in the back with no one else in our row and no one behind us.
I rubbed his cock through his pants and felt it twitch a bit. He smirked but looked straight ahead at the screen. (Ahhh...boys and their intergalactic battles.)
"Unbuckle your belt" I whispered. I rustled my bag of Twizzlers to drown out the sound of Patrick unzipping his fly and pulling out his cock. He turned once to kiss me as I grabbed his penis and started to slowly give him a hand job (an under rated sexual act, I might add.). His shaft grew rigid and thick. While I had his attenion, I had him look me in the eye as I licked my palm so I could stroke him with more ease.
"You're so dirty" he whispered.
I began to prime the pump.
"You're going to take me home tonight and fuck me" I said softly in his ear. "Then you'll get me on my stomach and pull me up on to my knees so you can pound my pussy from behind. I want to feel you slam my ass down on to your cock."
He shifted in his seat.
"You have a nice big load saved for me, don't you? You gonna give me thick, load of cream to swallow?" I jacked him a bit faster now and could feel his hips thrust forward slightly, matching my strokes.
I dipped my head down and slid the tip of his cock between my lips. I let a small bit of drool eek out and slide down the sides of his shaft. I tongued the underside of his prick and rubbed my thumb over and over the now pulsating vein. Patrick's eyes were closed a bit and his mouth hung open. His hand was gently massaging my scalp and grabbing at my hair.
Another inch of his shaft went in my mouth. I breathed deeply through my nose and pressed onward. His pubic hair tickled my nose. Slowly, slowly...soon I could feel his cock tapping at the back of my throat. My hand formed a base around the stem of his shaft and followed my mouth as I dragged it slowly back up . Then down again. My fingers gripped his dick tight enough so that the combination of my hand and my mouth (as well as the warm wetness of my saliva) felt like my pussy.
Patrick's hand had ventured down to the base of my spine and up again, sliding under my shirt. He unhooked my bra and started to fondle my breasts. He'd pinch the nipple tightly, knowing that that would elicit a humming groan from me. Which would reverberate over his cock. Each tweak a bit tighter than the last.
Only a slight slurp could be heard (but with of the saber fights I don't think anyone was listening.)
My attention was on a different saber. And it was starting to twitch in my mouth. I lifted my head quickly to tell Patrick how my clit throbbed thinking of what he was going to do to me later. He kissed me roughly and begged me to finish sucking him off. His hand went around my head and lightly pushed it back down into his lap.
I lapped his shaft a few times, salivating more than usual. I let a finmger slip down further and run across his sac. His balls were tight. Sadly, I wasn't in a position where I could get at them. That's my favorite part. Nibbling on his sac. Tickling it with my tongue. Flicking and sucking his balls.
My head bobbed up and down, quicker now, sensing Patrick's impending climax. I closed my lips tighter around his cock and made my grip of his shaft just a bit tighter. Once more I deep throated him, taking him all the way into my mouth and back, letting my teeth (VERY!) lightly graze the shaft as I came back up.
A few quick strokes of my hand and I knew he was ready. Patrick gripped the arm of his seat. He couldn't moan or shout. He just twisted and lifted his ass slighly up off his seat. I could feel the first stream of cum travel up his cock and shoot out in a blast. Three quick, thick streams of cum. Whoops, no, make that four.
And, the champion that I am, I swallowed every drop.
I wiped my mouth discreetly and took a sip of my drink. A Slurpee. How ironic. I just had a very different kind of Big Gulp.
Patrick could barely zip up his pants, so he untucked his shirt and let it cover his now limp penis.
"Give me a sec" he said. "I just need a minute."
On the screen, Obi Won ponied a giant lizard though what appeared to be some underground cave dwelling. Gotta love those Scotsman. They certainly know how to use those beasts between their legs.
I rested my head on Patrick's shoulder and offered him my bag of licorice.
"Twizzler?" I asked.
"Wait til we get home. I'll give you a Twizzler."
And THAT? Is for tomorrow's entry. But here's a hint. A "Twizzler" is something Patrick does with his tongue. To my clit. Really, really , really well.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Rookie
DATE: 5/28/2005 06:31:00 PM
-----
BODY:
"Why Are You In This Relationship With Patrick?"
Hmmmmm...........
Well, for starters:
Because I like being with him. I enjoy him and his company.
Because he challenges me and pushes me (although I don't always appreciate it at the time.)
Because he's loyal and honest and driven and fair.
Because he doesn't try to impress me.
Because he tells me when he thinks I'm wrong.
Because he doesn't take my bullshit (that's frustating at times, though.)
Because he likes to take care of me.
Because he's not intimidated by me.
Because he lets me be me.
Because the sex is great.
Because, without even trying, he impresses me.
Because I believe in the idea of a partnership (Just not the conventional idea of a partnershiop.)
Because I like being his cheerleader.
Because I like that he lets me try to comfort him.
Because I'm impressed by his willingness to be vulnerable.
Because I hope some of his patience will rub off on me.
Because he lets me be alone.
Because he needs me without being needy...and because he's not afraid to need me.
Because he's teaching me how to need him.
Because I like being vulnerable with him (in small doses, but those doses are getting bigger.)
Because I realize the importance of taking a risk and think he's worth that risk.
I feel like everyone expects me to handle things in a certain way. Guys, I'm not perfect. I fucked up, he fucked up. But I'm a big believer in the idea that we are all led down certain paths and thrown curve balls for reasons. Maybe Patrick and I had our moments of weakness because we needed to be shown how much we value each other.
Life, to me, if one long series of tests. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we pass. But the important thing is, hopefully, we always learn from our failures.
I didn't walk away from Thursday's night's discussion rubbing my hands together, smirking and saying to myself "Ha ha! Sucker! I got him! What a door mat." Funny thing is, I got a number of e-mails from guys telling me that they think Patrick slept with that women because he was acting guilty. Did he? Who knows. I'll never know, will I? But what I do know, what I'm certain of, is that something happened to Patrick to make him realize how he felt about us. Something happened between me and a bartender that made me see the depth of Patrick's loyalty and ability to be vulnerable. I crossed the line further than he did (supposedly), which showed me that I was going to have to step up my game in order to keep Patrick.
Guys, I'm human. I fucked up. But I know that I fucked up. What you get here in this blog is a real time detailing of my relationship. This is where I get all the fears and neurosis and missteps out in the open. This is where I vent. It's where I take a verbal "step back" and re-examine things.
I am not and will not ever be perfect. This isn't Desperate Housewives. This is unscripted. And sometimes I'm selfish or horny or anxious or pissed or any of the other dozens that emotions that people in love go through. I define "partnership" differently. I view relationships differently.
You're free to watch this side show oddity. You're welcome to be a spectator (and even welcome to coach.) But you must know, upfront, that I'm learning as I go along. I'm just a rookie. My perspective and my opinions are clearer and more concise and on point when it's not my behavior under the microscope. Which isn't an admission of hyposcrisy, just one of hyperopia.
Things at an emotional distance I see clearly. It's the things that are close to me that appear a little fuzzy.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Yup, Something Happened
DATE: 5/27/2005 06:55:00 AM
-----
BODY:
...but it's not as bad as it seemed. Actually I think it was a good thing.
Patrick arrived at 11:30, overnight bags in hand and stone cold sober. He won't have more than 2 drinks in front of his staff, so he ended up nursing just two Guinesses the whole night.
He dropped all his packages on the floor and gave me a great big bear hug.It felt good to be in his arms again. There has always been something comforting about his hugs. His arms wrap around me and he pulls me tightly into his chest. They make me feel protected and safe.
"Yay you" I said and smiled up at him.
"Yay me" he said as he kissed me.
I had opened a bottle of wine and poured two glasses for him, sat down on the couch and patted the cushion next to me. I turned to him, sitting Indian style on the couch and asked him to tell me all about it.
"I will," he said and grabbed two of his shopping bags and joined me on the sofa, "...but first things first. Close your eyes."
I did as he asked and heard him ruslte through the bag. When I opened my eyes, he had a baby tee shirt with the Kanji symbol of strength emblazoned on the chest. It was identical to my tattoo. I loved it. I stripped off the top I was wearing and put it on.
"Thank you" I said and kissed him.
"You don't think that's it, do you? I'm not that cheap."
He had a rectangular black box in his lap. He opened the plush velvet top and rotated the box around so I could see what was inside.
It was a silver necklace with a teardrop shaped diamond pendant. The only other diamond I had was the one my Dad bought me for my Sweet Sixteen. I was stunned. But as soon as I saw it, I got a pang in my chest.
"Oh my God...this is beautiful. It's just..." I suddenly flashed back to my kiss with John and winced. I felt overwhelmed. The gifts, the call, the kiss. the last few weeks. Everything just came to a head. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I looked at Patrick and started to cry. Tear flowed freely down my cheeks.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing...I just....that call the other night. I got worried that something happened."
"What do you mean?"
"You just sounded so..I don't know. You just sounded like something was wrong." I was crying hard now, releasing all the fear and guilt and tension I had been feeling for the last few weeks.
Patrick covered his mouth with his hand and was quiet. Too quiet.
"Please don't cry, Moxie. Please. Everything is okay."
"Are you sure? Things have just been so fucked up."
"I know. I know they have. Don't cry, please." He was pleading now.
"You were going through so much and I was just such a bitch. I totally pushed you away. "
"No. Stop. You didn't. Stop."
All my neurosis started to bubble to the surface. It wasn't what Patrick was saying that triggered it. It was what he wasn't saying.
"Why did you call me the other night? Were you okay? Patrick, you know me. You know how I pick up on stuff. Something wasn't right. Something in your voice."
"I was just tired and drunk. Everything is fine."
"No. I know you when you're drunk, Patrick. You weren't that drunk."
"I don't know what to say, Mox. I got in and I was thinking about you and I wanted to call." His eyes kept darting from me to my cat on the floor and then back up.
"Patrick, stop. Please. Please! You're hardly looking at me."
He looked down and ran his hand through his hair. He still wouldn't make eye contact with me.
"Did you sleep with someone else?" I asked.
His head snapped back up and his eyes were wide.
"No! I swear. Fuck, no."
"But you almost did, didn't you?"
"Mox, come on. Stop. Don't do this."
"Patrick...something happened. We can drop it, but it's always going to be in the back of my head. You've been stressed for weeks, so I know your stressed out voice. That call the other night, how you sounded, was different. I believe you when you say you didn't sleep with someone else. But something happened. Just tell me."
He finally relented.
"We went out Tuesday night with Noah. We met up with some of his friends. There was a girl there that I started talking to. A friend of Noah's. We chatted for an hour or so. I got up to leave and she asked if she could share a taxi with me on my way back to the hotel. I got dropped off first and she asked if we could go the the hotel bar for a drink. We had one drink and when we were done I said I was going upstairs to my room and started to say goodnight. She asked if she could come up with me and she put her hand on my dick under the table. I said no, excused myself and went upstairs. That's it."
"But you considered it, didn't you?"
"I'm a guy, Moxie. Of course I considered it. But I said no and left. Nothing else happened. I swear to God, nothing else happened. All I wanted to do was go upstairs and call you."
"Why did you say no? You wouldn't have gotten caught."
"Believe it or not, I said no because she wasn't you. Because I didn't want to. Because I didn't want to be 'that guy' who screws some random girl on a business trip while his clueless girlfriend sat at home. It's so cliche. I've been that guy. And I've been the clueless sod sitting home waiting for his girl. And seeing as though I can't even call you without sounding guilty, I suspect I'd certainly get caught."
I was such a shit. I couldn't even resist a drunken kiss from a cute bartender. My warning lights were flashing "STOP THIS CONVERSATION NOW!!!!!"
So I did. But I was worried that if I DIDN'T react or didn't seem upset Patrick might wonder why and I'd have to tell him that I had my own slip.
"You swear that's what happened? You're telling me the truth?" I asked.
"What does your little voice tell you? Do you not know me well enough by now to know I can't lie for shit? I shouldn't have put myself in that position. But I was tired and just feeling...I felt so damn tired of everything. Work, fighting with you....it was just a weak moment. Nothing more."
"I think we've both had out weak moments the last few weeks" I said. Ain't that the truth.
"Are you mad at me? Do you believe me."
"Yeah, I do. I do believe you. I don't like that you put yourself in that position and I don't like that you felt so frustrated over things with us that you'd be hanging out with another woman."
"Wait. Just so we're clear. She asked me to share a cab. She asked me to have a drink. If I had heard that our deal with Noah was official, I wouldn't have been so worried about turning her down. I didn't want to do something that would piss her off. I politely turned her down and told her I had a girlfriend. And I left her sitting there. I swear to you."
"Patrick, I believe you. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. Let's just pretend that this last month or so hasn't happened. We've both been selfish pains in the ass."
"You're taking this rather well" he said.
"No, not really. I've been pissed for so long that I'm just tired of it. I just don't want to fight. I want to go back to how things were."
"Me too."
"Good." I kissed his cheek and laid my head on his shoulder.
"Are we okay?" I asked. Were we starting to fall apart or were we getting stronger?
"Yeah. I think so. For real this time."
I couldn't be upset. I couldn't fight with him. I had zero ground to stand on. Drop it, I told myself. You will not win this one. Both of you will lose. Let it go. Be happy that he was honest with you. Be thankful that things with you two weren't damaged so badly that one of you took that full step across the line. Move on.
We talked for another hour about his trip, the meeting, the pitch and how happy his staff was for him. He felt like people were expecting him to fail and was psyched that he proved them wrong. We were in bed at 2. The sex was the slow, languid type we had when we first got together. It wasn't about fucking or dominance. It was connecting sex. Regrouping sex. And after we lay there talkinG softly, listening to each other breathe, feeling each other's skin against our own.
For the first time in weeks, I felt like things were truly back to normal.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: A Surprise
DATE: 5/26/2005 10:03:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick's company officially acquired their Chicago client. He and his co-workers are taking an earlier flight home and are expected in around 5:00 tonight. Being the Boss that he is, he got approval to take the whole department out for drinks after work. His office is closed tomorrow, so I suspect that they'll all get rip roaring drunk.
"I have a surpise for you" he said.
"A surprise? Give me a hint?"
"It's something that's strong and that you'll keep close to your heart."
Hmmmmm....a necklace perhaps? I'm not much of a jewlery girl, but the idea that he bought me a present made me smile. Although I still have his 3am phone call in my head. That coupled with a gift? Yeah, there's some guilt there.
"So, can we meet up around eleven? I can come over to your place" he said.
"Sure. I have an event tonight but I'll be home by ten or so. I'll see you after that? Just call before you leave the bar."
"Will do. Cheers" he said and hung up.
Well, I guess I'll find out what was behind that phone call tongiht. I have this sick sixth sense. Ever since I was a teenager I coudl always tell when a guy had cheated on me. Call it a vibe that I pick up, call is a suspicious nature. Whatever. It's NEVER wrong. Something happened. Not necessarily something unforgiveable or crushing...but something.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Ummm...What?
DATE: 5/25/2005 07:47:00 AM
-----
BODY:
My cell rang at 3am. On the other end of the line was an obviously tipsy Patrick.
"Hey...it's me. You sleeping?"
"What? Yeah. What time is it?"
"Three your time."
"Are you just getting in?" I asked.
"Yeah...I..I just wanted to call and say I was thinking about you and I love you."
????
I chuckled a bit and said, "Okay. Well that was sweet. Thank you."
"No, Moxie. I do. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"I'm a shit."
"You're drunk." I teased.
"Not really, well, just a little but I still know what I'm saying. I do."
"Okay, I appreciate that. So what'd you do tonight?"
"We went out with Noah (his client rep in Chicago)and some of his staff for dinner then had drinks."
"Are you just getting in?"
"What?" he said. He sounded distracted.
"Did you just get back to the hotel?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna go to bed now."
"Okay. Drink a glass of water and take an aspirin so you're not hungover."
"I don't get hugover, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Well, get a good night's sleep. Pleasant dreams."
"Moxie, I love you."
Was this the third time he said this? He doesn't typically get mushy when he drinks. Horny? Hell yeah. But not mushy.
"I love you, too."
"Sleep well" he said and then hung up.
Hmmm.....
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: The Day After
DATE: 5/24/2005 07:45:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick finally called me as I headed out to my workshop last night. He apologized for not calling earlier, citing exhaustion and that he fell asleep for an hour or two when he got to his hotel.
As I type this, he's meeting with the client.I asked him to make sure to call me when he's done so I could hear how it went. Let's see if he does.
I have to be honest...I don't know how guilty I feel about kissing John. It seems like no matter how I communicate to Patrick that I feel like he's pushing me aside, he still keeps doing it. Yeah, Friday night went well and I told him I'd try to hang out a bit longer while he settled in to his new job. But have I really been asking for all that much? A phone call to let me know his flight arrived on time? The opportunity to sleep next to him so I could see him off on his trip and kiss him goodbye and say good luck? I don't think that's an inordinate request. And the thing is, I don't think he thinks that either. I think he just would rather be by himself. Is this how he handles stress? Does he retreat into himself and just want to be alone?
What I don't like is how he acknowledged that things had been rough with us and then...went back to doing things that he knows makes me feel alienated. Yes, I said I'd hold on and try to be more patient. But, in a way, I kind of feel like he said "Things have been rough with us" as a way to get himself off the hook. As a way to say, "Look, I know I'm being selfish and I'm acknowledging it so that I can turn things around and say 'I told you I needed you to be more patient. I communicated what I needed. Why are you still unhappy?' " It's like he used that Friday night as a safety net. Sure, yeah, he probably did want to see me (and did want to have sex) but was it just to quell me so he could continue on this selfish path without feeling guilty or a way to justify being self-absorbed?
As far as my kissing John? I felt like being selfish. Part of it was loneliness. But another part, a bigger part, did it because I wanted to. Not out of revenge or to stick it to Patrick. But simply because it was something I wanted to do. I wasn't thinking about Patrick in that moment.
As far as self-sabotage...Look, I hang out with guys all the time. Did I think John was cute? Yes. (I have a thing for Southern boys. Well, boys with accents in general.) But I honestly didn't think he was interested in me. Most men that I meet immediately place me in "the friend zone" and I didn't think this was any different. Walking me home? I have no problem with a guy who offers to walk a woman to her door at night. I don't think of that as a come on. That's a respect thing and I appreciate it. Not to mention, I had a 60 pound bag on my shoulder. But did I do it assuming or sensing that he'd make a pass at me? No.
Patrick finding this blog - Doubtful. He barely has time to sleep with me. You think he's going to sit online and search for my blog? And how could he search it? With what key words? He has a URL for it. It's just not THIS url. Why would he have to search for something that he has? Could he lose it and decide to Google it? I guess...but he's promised me he wouldn't read it and in the last 3 months he hasn't. Nor has he asked about it, nor have I brought it up. Honestly? I think he forgot about it. I never meet up with him while out at events. My private life is kept far from my work life. I learned my lesson with Stefan.
Your thoughts?
ETA:
Patrick just called. His presentation went well. So well, in fact, that the client is taking Patrick and his two co-workers for a steak dinner. Why do I get a funny feeling that a strip club will be part of this little jaunt? Tomorrow he meets with one other smaller client for a "meet and greet" to introduce himself and then Thursday he's due to fly back after a morning meeting with the client from today.
"You sound so relieved" I said.
"Baby, I am. It went smashing. George and I are going for a pop now to celebrate."
"I'm happy for you. I'm glad you'll get some time to relax. The hard stuff is over now, go have fun."
"I will. I miss you."
He misses me. How ironic.
"I miss you, too."
"Talk soon. I'll try to call you tonight at some point. Love you."
"Love you, too."
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: I Slipped
DATE: 5/23/2005 09:10:00 AM
-----
BODY:
Patrick left this morning at 7am. He stayed at his place last night, wanting to be rested for his early morning departure.
"I just wouldn't sleep with you here" he said. So I headed into my ball game a bit sad that I wouldn't see him until Friday. I don't know, I guess I felt slighted again. All i wanted was to come over after my game, hop into his shower and crawl into bed with him. I wanted to make him coffee in the morning and then kiss him goodbye. I mean, god forbid, what if something happened? What if he didn't make it to Chicago? Okay, I'm being a drama queen. I admit it. But it still bummed me out. Although I didn't fight him or pout or whine or anything when he said he'd rather sleep alone. I simply said, "Okey dokes. I'll hit a homerun for ya. Text me and let me know your flight got in okay."
So, I went out with my softball team after our game (in the rain) and got drunk. I think I'm the only person who drinks Cosmos after softball games (or so one of my team mates said last night) but whatever. I had fun. A lot of fun.
Too much fun.
I write this now KNOWING what sort of response I'm going to get. I'm prepared because I guess I deserve it.
John is a very cute, very Southern bartender over at Blondie's (a popular sports bar in my neighborhood.) I met him last week after my game and promised to bring my team in again. As a show of gratitude, he gave us a few pitchers of beer on the house in addition tot he 7 we drank. And he gave me shots.
As people headed out around 9pm, I stuck around and hung out with John.
(Yeah..you see where this is going, right?)
John's an actor. I'm a movie geek and ex drama major. So we movie-quoted each other all night. One shot turned into two, and two into three. He offered to carry my equipment bag home for me, as I lived just a few blocks from the bar.
Now, keep in mind I mentioned I had a boyfriend. Twice. I even called Patrick at around 9 to say Codington. (No answer.) I think that's what did it.
When we got to my door step, I reached into my bag for my keys. John propped the equipment up against the wall.
"Well, thanks. I had fun" I said as I tried as I opened the front door.
"Yeah. I did too. Bring your team in again. You made my shift go by real quick."
I went to kiss him on the chick, a gesture of thanks for carrying my stuff. He put his hand on my hip as I leaned in. My aim was clear and I got his cheek. But then he turned his head and kissed me on the lips. It was light at first, a half cheek half lip kiss.
But then it became a full lip kiss. Then a full tongue kiss. And the worst part? I kept kissing him.
I pulled away after a minute and said, "Okay. Shit. Wow. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be" he said and then stepped off my stoop. "I'll see you next week after your game? Bring everybody by. I'm on til seven."
"Umm...Yeah, I think. Okay, I have to go. Thank you."
I always thought I was stronger than that. I mean, I don't ever believe that people stop finding the opposite sex attractive when they get into a relationship. I'm not naive enough to think Patrick doesn't notice other women. I just never thought I'd fall off the wagon.
Your thoughts?
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: Getting There
DATE: 5/21/2005 01:30:00 PM
-----
BODY:
Patrick called at around 10. He had gone home and picked up clothes and packed a bag so that he could get ready to go into his office from here.
I picked up a bottle of wine and ordered a small gourmet cheese and cracker platter. We could have a small picnic on my bed, I thought, and just relax and catch up.
While waiting for him to get here, I came across a link to Britney and Kevin's "Chaotic" series online. Jesus H Christ! I have to bleach my brain after that 42 minutes of mind numbing drivel.
I had it loaded and playing when Patrick walked in.
"What is that?" he asked, kissing me on the cheek.
"Britney Spear's reality show."
He looked fascinated. I got up to pour us wine and he sat in my seat. For the next 30 minutes we downed wine and listened to...Britney whine. If nothing else, it provided a funny diversion and allowed us both to loosen up.
We carried our glasses of wine and the bottle over to bed.
"How you feeling?" I asked and motioned for him to lay his head in my lap. I bruched my fingers through his hair as he talked about the various campaigns he was working on. I had never heard him sound scared before.
"This just means everything to me. If I pull this off and get this campaign for us, I can relax and settle in. As much of a git Jack (his old boss) was, I wish he had stayed around to see this through. There's no grace period for me."
I had never thought about it that way before. He was literally thrown into this campaign. If it weren't hard enough to become The Boss, he also had the anxiety of having to land a client just a month into his tenure.
I didn't say much. I just sat there, rubbing his scalp and drinking wine. There wasn't anything for me to TO say. My job last night was to just be there.
Patrick looked up at me and said, "Things haven't been good with us , have they?"
"Things have been tough. Yeah."
He kissed my hand and then sat up to face me.
"Can you be a bit more patient? With the job thing, I mean. Because I don't know when things will get better."
"I can try. I will try, I mean."
"That's my girl."
I had no choice but to drop it. This argument was over and no good would come from dredging it back up.
He lay back down and patted the spot next to him on the bed. We fell asleep just like that. Fully clothed and everything.
We woke up at 8am and took a shower together. His shower has much more room for us to...err..position ourselves. Mine? Not so much.
It took a bit of manuvering, but he was finally able to slip inside me. It's funny. After almost 10 days or so of no sex, I found myself tensing up as he entered me. I had to get used to his girth all over again. Ah, but when I did? It was fabulous. Patrick opened one of my shower doors so I could place one foot on the rim of the tub for balance. He grabbed on to my ass as he pumped in and out of me. Just before he climaxed he pulled out. He gave his shaft a few rough strokes and then blast three thick ropes of cum onto my stomach and thigh.
Once he came back down from his orgasmic high, he washed of my tummy and leg. We kissed for what felt like tfifteen minutes or so, then washed each other's backs. We joked and goofed around, imitating Britney's "There mah knees, y'all!!!!" idiocy. It was the first time I had heard Patrick do an American accent.
I was impressed.
AS A BONUS:
Close your eyes and you'll get an idea of what Patrick sounds like.
Click Here.
--------
AUTHOR: Hollie Go Lightly
TITLE: That's What I'm Talkin' About
DATE: 5/21/2005 11:54:00 AM
-----
BODY: